As a writer, I am always looking for prompt.  They challenge me, demand things inside of me to come out...and dare me to write beyond the prompt.

Today I woke up, jet-lagged and ready to re-writes on my book.  I made coffee and headed to the computer.

The jet lag is a result of a two week visit "home" to the States - nine time zones there; nine time zones back.  I specifically went to visit my daughter and her daughters- my littlest angel  just turned one.  I would have to introduce myself to her (I left last when she was three months old) and get to know her all over again.  The same would be true for the almost three year old.

I made the trip without Mario.

That alone, says a deep bowl of fishhooks.  

Mario is the steady, solid rock of a man who God saw fit to hand to me because I was such a loser.  He is my best friend and my lover... and I adore him.

Without Mario I am Janet.  A bright, explosive girl who loves her family and thinks out loud and has a great time saying the wrong things all of the time, noticing somewhere along the line that I sound like a judgmental know-it-all. By the time I repent, people are rolling their eyes. 

Especially my daughter. 

My daughter can't stand me, and says so.  She also loves me terribly and can't believe I traded being close to her and her girls for Africa.  She want me around to tell me how much she prefers her father and constantly reminds me that I was a religious mother who forced all of my beliefs on her and who still thinks I can run all over her.

gulp.

I swear it's not true.  At least, I never meant it all to be true.  

I gave up visiting my son in New Mexico, spending more time with my parents and sisters...to say nothing of friends - just to hear the constant litany of "how I wish you were different....maybe like ___'s mother" and other stuff.  

The third day I asked for a sit-down (amid her moving house and juggling two little kids and managing her boyfriend's erratic behavior)  and a private time to talk.  

It went something like this: "I know you're tired and stressed but I can't do this anymore...." followed by sobs.  At this point Mario would have said, "Daughter, I love you, we're leaving."

Instead, I was begging her to say "Please stay, you know I love you and I don't mean these things I say.  I'm sorry I'm taking my stress out on you!"

She kind of said that, in between more insults.

I left five days later, as we agreed I would.

I helped with the move, I watched the girls (who were angels and got to know me all over again) and did a little unpacking. 

When I said goodbye we both cried.

I came home, missing all of them and saying so.  I even implied to Mario that I would move back home tomorrow if he wanted to.

He doesn't get it.

"You mean, after all of that, you'd like to be NEARER to her?"  Mario loves our daughter, and she's one of his favorite people...but there is no real hatred toward him from her.

"Be nearer to my family, she is just part of it...."

I am afraid that I will lose her.  I am afraid my sons will distance themselves even more from me.  I am afraid.  I am afraid....

I am afraid my mom or dad will die when we are here.  I am afraid that my sister will be homeless.  Help me, Jesus...

Today, I looked into Our Salon and was greeted by a message:

"You have no friends"

It made me cry...and laugh.  The joy of anonymity - where I can spew like this and get away with it?  It is rare!  I feel like I am shouting "King Midas has Donkey Ears!!" into a hole I have just dug.  

Please...let there not be an echo.

xo

Views: 151

Comment by lorianne on August 17, 2012 at 10:26pm

  "A bright, explosive girl who loves her family and thinks out loud and has a great time saying the wrong things all of the time, noticing somewhere along the line that I sound like a judgmental know-it-all. By the time I repent, people are rolling their eyes."

sounds like someone i would have as a friend.  (and king midas does have donkey ears!)

Comment by Brazen Princess on August 17, 2012 at 10:56pm

Lorianne...thank you.  Just what I needed to hear!!

Comment by Sirenita Lake on August 18, 2012 at 12:54pm

Someone sent you a message saying you had no friends? Like, a private chat or something? WTF? I am bemused and aghast that anyone would take the trouble to be that mean. Whoever that was, whatever that was, it has nothing to do with your family. I'm amazed with the crap people feel entitled to say and the sheer meanness of it. 

The family thing is always fraught with drama. My mom was judgmental, she copped to it, we talked about the stress she had raising us and her upbringing and put that all behind us when I was 25. It wasn't all smooth sailing, but i had no lingering resentments. It's what you do as an adult--understand your parents, especially those who become parents themselves. I wish you well, and ignore the drive-by meanness. 

Comment by Brazen Princess on August 18, 2012 at 1:16pm

Sirenita - 

This was just what it said on my "start-up" page...simply because I had not "made friends"...it was an ironic thing to see when I was so down...this message is just to remind me to begin making "friendships" on Our salon. 

Thank God that you and your mom mended fences... my daughter ( a grown person ) is now able to voice things she was unable to give words to for years.  I respect her and was apologizing all over the place.  Part of me wanted to say "Hey! Take it easy on me!" through it all, though.  Thank you for reading.  

Comment by Myriad on August 19, 2012 at 11:38am

Sorry for the problems between you and your daughter.  Dunno whether your hanging in or what you said Mario would do, say bye-bye, is 'better'. Funny how people who love each other can make each other mizzable.

Comment by David McClain on August 19, 2012 at 1:37pm

I think that one of the marks of a good writer is to be able to take such a small prompt and write something so meaningful from it. Well done.

Comment by Brazen Princess on August 19, 2012 at 10:47pm

Myriad~ our beautiful, other-worldly, gentle breeze!!  So NICE to see you here!! Want to be my friend :))

David~ Also another "friend"!!!  Hahahaha!!!  Just want to thank you for saying I am a good writer for spewing in cyber-space.  

Comment by TG DE VORE on August 20, 2012 at 4:30am

We all need a little help from our friends...now and then...vinca still creeps!

Comment by TG DE VORE on August 20, 2012 at 4:33am

Oh the deep jar of fish hooks...priceless image! :D

Comment by Brazen Princess on August 20, 2012 at 6:53am

tg within...thank you!!!  Hey!! Let's be friends!!

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