Yesterday's Harp

[Harp]

Yesterday’s Harp worried about your opinion of him. 

He didn’t just consider it or think about it, he actually worried about it.  He couldn’t help it.  He grew up in a household where the opinion of others was important.  He realized years ago, that he had not been given the tools to build self-esteem, independent of Her opinion of him.   

In fact, independent thinking was not encouraged, because it might yield uncertain results.  If others confirmed these results as acceptable, then problems could be avoided.  Without such confirmation, She was ill equipped to decide for herself and therefore chose to condemn that particular thought process until further notice.      

Yesterday’s Harp reacted very badly to any attempt at manipulation. He grew up in a household where the primary currency was applied to produce desired behaviors.  Mommy doesn’t love you when you’re bad.  

His reaction to this attempt at manipulation was to deny its existence.  She doesn’t mean that.  

It would only become an active topic of discussion when the sibling, a younger adult Harp, expressed his own reaction to Her exact same pattern of withholding affection in return for behavioral conformity.   You don’t love me???

Held up for critical scrutiny, Yesterday’s Harp began to understand his own powerful aversion to attempts at manipulation, and while it may have been suppressed as a child, it has come out as ‘a Pet Peeve for the ages’ as an adult.  

Yesterday’s Harp was the last to count.

Everyone else always came first.  The needs of parents, friends, girl-friends, wives, sibling, children… and at times, even associates, co-workers and neighbors where almost always the priority.  Where does the tendency to put one’s own self-interests last come from?   Perhaps, once again this was a priority that was adopted within the household, where his needs and wants really did not count.   Certainly they were never more important than what She wanted.  I imagine that this is an easy pattern to fall into, yes?

Yesterday’s Harp was hard on himself.  Even his children would remark at how angry he would become when he made a mistake… when he was less than perfect.  The younger adult Harp Sibling somehow escaped this pattern of self-flagellation and has learned how to forgive himself for not being perfect.   He is fond of seeking to identify and curtail the feelings that cause Yesterday’s Harp to feel bad about himself, simply because he displays a weakness or needs help.  Those feelings are not your friend.     

He says that fairly often.

Yesterday’s Harp achieved success and recognition in a wide variety of arenas, and yet he still lacks the self-image that anyone else would say he deserves.   Perhaps that’s because he really doesn’t know how  to acknowledge someone else’s opinion of his success and recognition.   He grew up in a household where the opinion of others was already too important.  He realized years ago that he had not been given the tools to develop his own self-esteem… so he withholds affection from himself unless he achieves perfection.   Self-manipulation?

And besides, such self-recognition is really not that important.   There is so much that is more important. Frankly, I feel like Yesterday’s Harp, somehow managed to make it through the deep end of the pool … even though the son-of-a-bitch never learned how to swim. 

Am I being too hard on myself?    

Well shit, Tomorrow’s Harp is a toss-up!  He doesn’t exist yet.  I don’t have to answer to him… although I hope to hell he’s paying attention, but right now Yesterday’s Harp is the guy with seniority… warts and all.

Nevertheless, I feel like Tomorrow’s Harp should greet each morning with a sigh of relief and a new appreciation for the air in his lungs.  I feel like he should look forward to a whole new spectrum of clarity that he didn’t have before… but I have to be careful.

Sometimes my feelings are not my friend.   

[James Mark Emmerling]

Wonderful philosophical discussion!

Where does the tendency to put one’s own self-interests last come from?

Uh,

I dunno. The need to please.

Cuzza the strokes u get for being….pleasing…

~

My experience anyway.

 

New harp maybe gonna be born again every day I hope!

[M. C. Sears]

This hit a little close to home; let’s both have a little faith in ourselves.

[Din Mutha]

Be gentle, my friend. Sometimes we have no control over how we feel, but that's okay. Honor the shitty mood and honor yourself for your humanity. It's the experience that we ponder later. You are such a strong writer. Thank you for sharing this. It reminds us all that we are not alone. 

[Zanelle]

Tomorrow's Harp sounds pretty cool   There is always hope.  Hits close to home for me too.

[Marlene Dunham]

Liking Tomorrow's Harp - leave Yesterday behind.

[koshersalaami]

To today's Harp:

The trick is to figure out who you don't respect and to remember that if you don't respect someone, their opinion by definition shouldn't matter.

Given that one of the reasons one can lose respect for someone is that person's propensity to be hypercritical, particularly gratuitously and/or harshly, mean people self-select into the population of those for whom you lack respect.

[Harp]

Interestingly enough, I feel pretty good.   Yes I'm hard on myself, and I frequently have these deep philosophical conversations with my brother.  He routinely points out things that I perhaps understood subliminally, or missed entirely, or understood but saw very differently.   It's fascinating to see how two integlligent men could come out of the same household with such vastly different perceptions of what occurred.   Yet when we put it all together, we can see that we are looking at the same behaviors... only we bring differing views.    Yesterday's Harp was merely the product of that environment, and whether he is actually any different from Tomorrow's Harp is something only time can really tell.   The good news is that you've got a better shot at avoiding road hazards if you drive with your eyes open.

Much thanks to James, M.C., Din Mutha, Zanelle, Marlene and Kosh.  In a million years, I would never be able to enjoy a discussion of such issues with anyone else (except my brother of course) if it were not for the nature of this site and the vague anonymity herein.   We are strangers... but so not.   

[JMac1949 Memories]

Watch out for that "spectrum of clarity."  Clarity gets really tricky... best I've ever managed is "focused" with  a dash of "reconciled resignation."

[L in the Southeast]

This "stranger" is and always has been interested only in Today's Harp.  Today's Harp is my brother, my friend and a lot like "the one who got away" in my mind.  Reading this now helps me understand why you drive yourself so hard.  Your writing?  A+

[Jeanne Sathre]

It's time for Tomorrow's Harp to make his appearance. I think you're ready.