Wiener Wednesday (because I missed Foodie Tuesday)

Today, children...  we will be discussing how to create an authentic Chicago style "Red Hot"!

Image result for chicago style red hot

First of all let me make it CRYSTAL clear that the ONLY authentic hot dog is the CHICAGO style one and everything else is a pale ass imitation.  Anyone who disagrees can go fuck off.

Okay... ready???

Image result for vienna hot dogs

The absolute most important thing is the hot dog itself.  When you bite into a Chicago style dog you feel a distinct "snap".  If it don't "snap" toss it because you got screwed.  The boiled to death crap you get from anyplace else (especially the utter shit they serve in New York City) is disgusting.  A REAL hot dog is steamed, never boiled.  PERIOD!  

Therefore, because I don't feel like wasting my time with dumbasses, the ONLY acceptable brand of hot dogs is Vienna Beef frankfurters.  Think differently? Go fuck off.  (and yes, Koshersalaami, they ARE kosher, but you can still go fuck off.)

poppy_hots_package

Next in importance is the bun.  "Red Hot" buns need to be fresh and have poppy seeds on them.  Anything else is not REALLY a "red hot" bun.  If you prefer sesame seeds on you buns, please go fuck off.

Next part II, is the "toppings".  You can go pretty wild here, but (unless you are a dumbass who needs to go fuck off) you will include either raw or lightly sauteed chopped Bermuda onions, bright green sweet pickle relish (I'm talk'in about the BRIGHT green glow in the dark shit here), a dill pickle spear (Puckered Pickle Company ones if you can find them, if not Claussen is okay), tomato slices and pickled sport peppers (if you don't know what a sport pepper is definitely go fuck off).  

If you really feel like letting your freak flag fly you can also add some chili, sauerkraut, coleslaw, etc. as long as you are adding it to the basic, REQUIRED toppings.

frenchs mustard yellow

Lastly and VERY importantly, are the condiments...  the ONLY acceptable condiments that should EVER be pull on a Chicago style Red Hot is yellow French's mustard and celery salt.  If you put Grey Poupon or some thing else "exotic" go fuck off.  It is YELLOW mustard ONLY.

Image result for ketchup on hot dogs

Which brings up ketchup...

People who put ketchup on hot dogs are simply perverted deviants who should be beaten to within an inch of their lives, cut a gazillion times, rolled in cayenne pepper then used as chum on a fishing boat after serving time in a Turkish prison.  THEN they can go fuck off.

*ahem*

When you are finished you should end up with something that looks like this.  Enjoy! 

Chicago-style hot dog 2.jpg

(If it doesn't look like this, then you are a moron who can't follow simple instructions and you need to...  )

Views: 827

Comment by koshersalaami on April 5, 2017 at 2:51pm

Actually, I don't keep kosher, but I don't eat pork, so I could do this. Never had one of these.

i have to agree that ketchup on a hotdog is a crime against nature. Mustard only. And I wouldn't use a Dijon either, but I might use a Gulden's. 

How long you steam them for? I don't steam or boil normally, I grill. 

Comment by nanatehay on April 5, 2017 at 3:14pm

I haven't got to the part yet where Amy slathers some innocent wiener in aioli or Hollandaise, but I would agree with Kosh about Gulden's except that I've found a new favorite mustard. My housemate is a major foodie, and in the Victorian Condiments section of our fridge I recently found this crazy Maille brand whole grain dijon mustard that has ruined me for any and all other mustards. Dont no one contradict me on this goddammit Amy if you havent tried it you have no idea wtf u r talking about and need to just fcuk off!

Comment by Safe Bet's Amy on April 5, 2017 at 3:22pm

We use a colander that fits over one of our pans to steam every thing.  With an inch of boiling water in the bottom we put the franks in for 4 or 5 minutes (or until they "plump up"), then put the buns on top of the hot dogs for an additional minute. (with the cover in place to keep the steam in).

Comment by nanatehay on April 5, 2017 at 3:23pm

WTF Amy? YELLOW mustard? You and I both know that there is NO mustard even IN that shit - it contains nothing but FD&C Yellow Die #37 and vinegar goddammit!

Comment by JMac1949 Today on April 5, 2017 at 3:29pm

Here in Texas we prefer smoked  or grilled spicy sausage called Hot Links.  Every joint has one or more recipes ranging from combinations of chicken, pork and beef, to all beef, to beef cheese and jalapeno. Southside BBQ here in Bastrop sells their stuff on line:

... but when you buy some sit down to eat they usually come grilled on butcher paper, with plain white Mrs. Baird's bread sliced raw onion and sliced dill pickles:

... BBQ Sauce and or Hot Sauce are the only acceptable condiments.

Comment by Safe Bet's Amy on April 5, 2017 at 3:31pm

  nanatehay, if you put anything other then classic yellow mustard on a hot dog you deserve to be treated like a ketchup eater.  Enjoy your time visiting Turkey, chum!

P.S.  When entertaining it is ALWAYS proper to serve hors d'oeuvres of cut up hot dogs on toothpicks with a side of both mustard and mayo.  A side of aioli is reserved for guests who possess epicurean tastes.

Comment by nanatehay on April 5, 2017 at 3:45pm

Despite him being in Texas and therefore a subhuman, what JMac shows there looks pretty damn delicious.  On the other hand, and it saddens me to have to say this, Amy's early-1960s, Mary Tyler Moore wannabe beehive-hairdo-and-Tang-infused sensibilities vis a vis nearly everything she just now said, make me want to projectile vomit. What's next Amy, a fondue potluck garden party with violently green Jell-O containing grated carrots for the side dish? Where's the Derisive Sneer Emoticon on this damn phone when I need it? 

Comment by Safe Bet's Amy on April 5, 2017 at 3:56pm

Here in Texas we prefer smoked  or grilled spicy sausage called Hot Links.

PFFFFFT!  I ain't getting into a "my sausage is bigger than yours" pissing contest with you JMac, but I'll put most any Italian sausage from Chicago against the best you got in Texas!  Bring it, dude!

A well cooked Chicago Italian sausage is grilled (we smoke cigars not sausages, FFS!), covered in spicy sottaceti & beer stewed green & red peppers and is served on a fresh hoagie bun.  Y'all can keep your "Wonder Bread" and glorified ketchup!  LOL

20120731-sausage-city-nottolis-sausage-sub.jpg

Comment by Safe Bet's Amy on April 5, 2017 at 4:06pm

Nana, you best stick to your San Francisco brie and white wine and stay out of this...  

If you're good, after I finish kicking JMac's Texas sausage eating ass, I might let you go have some nice, mild clam chowder in a sour dough bowl or sumthin...

Comment by JMac1949 Today on April 5, 2017 at 4:06pm

... sorry for the double posted comment... Texas Hot Links not only snap but drip grease and sauce on your chin, that why they have rolls of paper towels at the table.

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