I am speaking to Mister Good Guy here. This message could be construed to apply to the good woman too, but for now I'm talking to the good decent guy who either loses out to the "Bad Boy" each and every time or suffers at the fate of the "Cougar" he was in love with. This is a word about human nature and its self destructive tendencies which may indeed explain some of your questions about the seeming uselessness of matrimony today or for the simple harmony required to maintain a long term relationship. It's not all your fault, as a matter of fact, it's the influences going on through out our society that are part of the problem For instance, there is little if anything that supports the concept of faithfulness in a committed relationship from either Hollywood or on the Internet.
Even sociologists who are attempting to engineer our society into a haven for liberal hedonism by telling us that fidelity in a relationship is the exception and not the rule, that it is an obsolete practice in modern society. This is a falsehood that merely reflects the erosion of morality in our society. Even the US federal government has contributed to the concept that marriage is no longer a sacred lifetime commitment just look at the conduct of many of our office holders who are known philanderers!
But, what is the constant factor that undermines relationships. That one failure of human behavior that sabotages a relationship no matter how good the man may be or how honorable the intentions of a spouse? It's the human brain! Though Christian doctrine tells us that we humans are inherently flawed due to sinfulness and a corrupted nature there is an even more compelling reason that adds to this remorseless defeatism that seems to make western marriage an exercise in futility, and that is the human mind from a psychological aspect.
The chronic problem
The brain is like a sponge. It absorbs everything we experience in our lives, good and bad, conscious or unconsciously. It leads us to make decisions and choices based upon what we are familiar with. Familiarity can be wise or incredibly self destructive depending upon the family upbringing of the young child. If the family life was harmonious then the child will grow into adulthood seeking what he or she is familiar with, but if a child has been subjected to dysfunctional behavior and abuse, that child will grow into adulthood gravitating toward only more unhappiness and dysfunction. Why? Why Would a person consciously or even unconsciously seek out unhappiness and even abuse? Familiarity! Many people simply cannot accept happiness or harmony if they have experienced abuse, criticism, physical abuse, or sexual mistreatment. Even with counseling it is almost impossible for many women to accept normalcy without rebelling against it or sabotaging a relationship.
Impact of early influences
Many psychiatrists believe that sexual and mental abuse early in childhood has influenced many to adopt homosexual behavior as well. So, if you guys wonder why the lady you're with has resisted your best intentions, your love, your romance, even antagonized you to respond in kind to her hostility you can bet it's because she has chosen to relive what she was accustomed to growing up in her dysfunctional upbringing. She doesn't know how to be loved. Her self esteem has been hurt. Her personal barriers have been violated. She cannot reciprocate love when she has known so little of it herself. She is not comfortable with goodness and harmony even though it's good for her. She will invariably gravitate toward what she is familiar with-abuse, turmoil, and pain.
Ever wondered why some women seem so fascinated by the "Bad Boy" because he gives her everything she is accustomed to in that dysfunctional family she grew up in-pain, turmoil, and abuse, the very things she knew well and grew up with! Even when she knows intellectually that she is making the wrong choice she just can't help herself because it's all about her emotions. Her emotional being is much stronger than her ability to make rational decisions about relationships she enters into. Our modern day society is rife with encouraging hedonism, promiscuity, and unfaithfulness. Hollywood makes it all seem so entertaining. Even at the cost of the children born into these ravaged marriages who will forever suffer over the mother and father's divorce still most parents will not attempt to preserve the union for the sake their little ones.
The negative cycle
So guys, I'm talking about the "Good Guy" who always seems to finish last, it's not your fault. The woman who has been ruined by what the bad guys did to her before you ever met her, the young girl molested before she ever had a shot at an honest and pure relationship, these are events that have robbed you before you ever had a chance to love and be loved. Society has snatched that chance for happiness and a normal relationship that has likely been denied you unless you have something else to rest your strength upon. Personally, I would have to say that faith in God and a relationship with him the Savior, Jesus Christ is the only way you can be blessed with ending the insurmountable struggle of trying to have a love you can count on and live your life happily with. The cycle of abuse and victimization repeats itself without effective intervention.
I look back at past marriages regretting that what I know now could have helped then when I took it all personally and without the psychology of treatment or the love of God to end the self destructive cycle and social influences it was all doomed. I will never have that chance to heal those wounds or help her with the torment of the past that ruined the present. That would be more painful for me than any sorrow I suffered. However, these reflections over what was and can never be are typical of the human consciousness.
Proof in the dating scene
In the 1980's I recall an article written by a recently divorced columnist for the Dallas Morning News who put forth the proposition that single women were incapable of appreciating "Mister Nice Guy". He mentioned women's constant reference to seeking Mark Harmon look-a-likes. They didn't want anything to do with the "Walking Wounded" as they called broken hearted guys, and did most fervently not want a "Ready made family" referring to divorced guys sharing custody. These catch all phrases among others were prominent in the singles notices on newspapers before the Internet began the great profitable scam of online dating, which even today has led to many divorces.
The shiny Object
This writer did copy and publish letters from readers, mostly girls, who vehemently denied that women were this callous and uncaring, but typical of the human instinct for self preservation, you could bet these attitudes were prevalent among young females who were out for a good time and a "Bobby Ewing Junior" to add spice and fringe benefits to their lives. Jim Morrison of the Doors once made reference to Dallas (Big D) as well as a Pop song in the 80's "Welcome to The Boom Town" both attesting to the glamour and glitz of materialism in a glowingly popular metropolis that's hard to master!
Well, I'll get off my soap box now and wish all of you reading this hope and good luck in your quest for true love and happiness in this chaotic world we live in.