God bless Roy "the Boy" Moore, the one soul even the lowest of us can look down upon. Who knew a war-loving, greed based society could be filled with so many sexual deviants? And for as long as I can hide my own sexual sins I'm going to feign shock with the best of 'em. I'll have to if I'm to keep up with Roy Boy's ethics hearing before the Senate. I dunno, but when I see one weirdo being questioned by twenty other weirdos that's certainly a "What's wrong with this picture" moment for me. But I don't want to think about that too much as it spoils the fun.
While everyone lines up to throw that first rock, we must first have our incisive questions ready to go because, you know, inquiring minds want to know. An askroy!.gov website has been set up so the public can have input into the proceedings. The only rule is that every question must start with "Hey, Roy". Even Charles Manson on his deathbed got excited hearing Roy Boy speak, proclaiming he'd finally found a soul more craven than him. His question was quite unique: "Hey, Roy, have you ever had a hard-on for Hitler?"
Since this grave and moral proceeding will be under oath, certain questions do beg to be asked. Who knows? Maybe we'll find out Roy-baby is just like any other crazy uncle who's been banned from the mall for hitting on teenagers. Or maybe our high school sex education classes should include actual sex so kids won't grow up to be deviant D.A.'s in the future. In the interest of finding out just why guys are are so damn horny, I pulled ten questions out at random:
"Hey, Roy, have you ever got a date using a lollipop?"
"Hey, Roy, have you ever kissed a black woman Democrat and liked it?"
"Hey, Roy, can you tell us about your favorite farm animal and why?"
"Hey, Roy, have you ever changed a date's diapers?"
"Hey, Roy, have you ever fantasized about being abused by two angry lesbians with strap-ons?"
"Hey, Roy, why wouldn't you want to take my daughter to the prom?"
"Hey, Roy, have you ever been in a Turkish prison - and would you want to go back?"
"Hey, Roy, have you ever trolled the newborn room in a maternity ward?"
"Hey, Roy, have you ever wanted to walk naked through San Francisco with flowers in your hair?"
"Hey, Roy, are these questions making you HAWT???"
Regardless how things turn out, I think it's a fairly certain bet on what will be the hottest - and creepiest - Halloween mask next year - one sure to scare the hell out of trick-or-treaters!