what to do with this .. thing? [crafty helpy}

This .. this .... thing, is eight feet long. She bought it for twenty dollars from poor white people on craig's list. Went to looking for a thing, Asia did, and I guess this one stood out. A bit cumbersome I muttered. Yet intriguing she whispered in return. It was hell to get home. Luckily the main drawers were missing, and one huge foot, making it lighter, but not shorter. I haven't included before pictures---don't want to overload the internet---but suffice to say it was a bad brown, had spiders .. all that. The process involved this great new thing, "chalk paint" .. who knew? The rest of the details I'll spare. Most people have done something like this so know it sucks, the rehab. And note: I only watched but will say it was a long process. 

So YAY Asia right. But that's not what I'm here to talk about. No! Now I need help designing scenery and making puppets for the missing drawer slots. 

What sort of scenes could be set up in the lower luscious red regions of the thing once we throw the black towel over the topside nativity at midnight Sunday? For the rest of the year, you know. There are six opportunities here, bottom two being largest.

The Marquis de Sade's basement torture chamber?

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest where Nurse Ratchet turns off the World Series?

One really decadent mess of a vampire orgy, possibly from True Blood?

Ricky Ricardo telling Lucy she has some 'splainin' to do

or .. in that vane, Ralph Cramden winding up to punch Alice over the moon in The Honeymooners?

OH! Dick Cheney being ass-pirated by Satan as partial payment for .. you know. No question mark here. This must be done. Argghhh!!

Need a little help.

The sky is the limit but we will need someone to sew dolls and such. For that I nominate SBA. Maybe Phyllis. Hmmm

And ideas, ideas are needed. Thank you my friends. It's going to be tremendous. How tremendous? Very very tremendous!

Views: 152

Comment by JMac1949 Today on December 23, 2016 at 1:25pm

It's perfect but you need to make some drawers Dude!!

Comment by Safe Bet's Amy on December 23, 2016 at 2:04pm

They look like perfectly good "shelves" to me!  (because making properly fitting drawers... especially trying to match those drawer front curves would suck ass, muchly)  That will give J(ihadist) a place to keep her serving platters and all of the expensive china/crystal you are going to buy her.

P.S.  Even if I DID sew (which I most certainly do NOT!), I would have absolutely nothing to do with Dick Cheney's ass and/or Mike Pence's dad.

P.P.S.  Couldn't you find a better place to set your beer while you took the damn pictures????  LOL

Comment by nerd cred on December 23, 2016 at 2:34pm

That's really ugly!

i would google DIY ugly chest. 

Comment by lorianne on December 23, 2016 at 2:49pm

baskets where the drawers once lived...  or better yet, wooden crates if you can find some to sorta fit. then if youre feeling inspired, you can paint the sides of the crates that face front in a faux finish to match(ish) the marble top.

Comment by koshersalaami on December 23, 2016 at 2:57pm

I'd put something cross hatched like the side of an animal crate in cront at the opening,, then install a stuffed toy of some sort behind it. 

Comment by Safe Bet's Amy on December 23, 2016 at 4:23pm

BTW, that thing is a steal for 20 bucks and it is FARRRRR from ugly.  (Tell J, I said she did a great job refinishing it too)

I'm still trying to figure out what furniture style it is.  According to my book on the subject the marble top and carvings would make it Victorian, but that doesn't look right either.

Comment by Rosigami on December 24, 2016 at 12:58am

Chalk paint is SO fun! I don't think it needs drawers, either. It's perfect just like that.

I would probably go looking for odd dishes and platters to put in the spaces. No puppets, they creep me out. 

Comment by Julie Johnson on December 24, 2016 at 8:57am


Comment by Carole Dixon on December 24, 2016 at 9:51am

Oh. So much fun. Have you any toys left from years gone by? Take your time. I have a rock garden with aliens and knights and cheerleading statues, dinosUrs, and Buddhas. I keep a toy phone by the pet cemetery.  Never know when I will need to call. So much possibility for those spaces. The green house has a beginning mosaic from loose tiles and broken things. Life is art. Enjoy. 


Comment by tr ig on December 24, 2016 at 3:46pm

JMac you jest .. dude is making no draw's

Amy .. Mike Pence's Dad .. haha. I blew my chance there. Our friend Mattie says it should be the other way, Dick dicking Mike Pence's Dad, being that he's actually more evil. Oh I thought you sewed. And the beer, dammit. A Negro Modelo, my favorite at the birthing of Christ season, and other seasons.

nerd cred it is not ugly! may a hex and a pall fall into your stocking!

lorianne .. shut up!

kosher .. a stuffed toy then? inhaling deeply .. but cross hatched like the side of an animal crate sounds disturbing

yes still seeking a furniture style. I was calling it baroque last week, but doubting that that is a furniture style

Rosi chalk paint is super matte, right? She went through several trial and errors getting it how she liked. One section could be puppet clowns .. would that be better?

JJ .. Curtains would make it mysterious. Ok

Carole Dixon .. thanks. Just occurred to me thanks that our mom loved faeries and faerie related items. She had several very cool miniatures deployed strategically around her house, in tree nooks, around the coy pond .. before the heron decimated the coy, but that's another story. We must have a faerie scene, and maybe a Pan pond with nymphs. We are, here in real time, at the apex of what was, historically, the greatest party of the year folks. Full Pagan life solstice festival if you can imagine, day 3, coupla thousand years ago. Happy holidays indeed, back then. Now everything's all fucked up :D Naah, life is sweet


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