After falling asleep with my clothes on because I am exhausted from moving so many of deceased mom's boxes of stuff to Hawaii I have had the most interesting dreams. Two have been full of anger.

I moved my own boxes too and actually it was a pleasure to go thru mom's precious things, sorting them out, dusting off forgotten treasures and remembering the funny stories. However my brain is wondering what to do with the anger.

In a funeral whirlwind people try to remember the good things about a person. Privately some scoff at the real nature of the departed producing tears that aren't always from grief. Some shed tears of relief. Mom requested no funeral.  Fine with me.

In my first dream I was excited to get a dog and yet was passed over for one and ended up in a maze that was very constricting. As I finally was released out the door of some dream warehouse, a woman called after me, "We only give dogs to celebrities anyway."

I screamed back at her, "What makes you think I'm not a celebrity?!" I woke up madder than I have ever been in a dream. Shaking and sputtering I wandered around my house until I calmed down a bit and remembered it was just a dream. Ha. It was anger looking for a place to land. I think it was implied that I wasn't a celebrity because I have a big butt.

The second dream was a doozy that included sex with mom's neighbor but that didn't wake me up. Here is the story. A young girl was leading her beautiful horse out of the pasture after a show. I was walking along beside her and she said that she had been told to stop teaching her horse creative tricks as it was messing up his showing ability.

Later the girl gave me her card to reach her further because she and I had bonded. Her mother saw me reading it and snatched it out of my hand. That had been what the girl had feared and she shrugged. In a dream nanosecond I was on that bitch. I grabbed her from behind and shook her violently. "How dare you take that card from me!"

The girl was mortified as I told some other women to take the mother out of there before I did some serious damage. I had the card and gave the girl the thumbs up but she didn't respond. I wondered after I woke up if there would be consequences to the girl for my outburst. I remember the shocked look on the mother's face as I shook her, yelled at her and shoved her out. I enjoyed it.

There are spaces now in my mother's house that havent been seen in forty years. Stains and dirt, hidden notes and money. One Dream Whip container had money in it labeled Grocery Money which was crossed out and Earthquake Money was written instead. Her fear fueled her life. We have had some great restaurant meals lately with that fund.

My mom could have gone off the deep end. At 96 the paranoia was creeping in and most friends had been banished. Her best friend was there and mom died in her arms so I am glad I insisted that she keep this woman in her life and quit bad mouthing her behind her back. My mom's judgments hurt.

There had been some transformation between us with her becoming more like me these last thirteen years I have lived close to her and me becoming her. I get the German efficiency thing and the neighbors can't quite believe I have sold her house and shipped her stuff to Hawaii before she has been cremated. I am moving fast. Why tarry with emotion? Mom would have wanted it this way. I'm amazed at my own strength and as soon as I find out what to do with the anger I will be fine.

I am hauling out more than boxes from that house. There are subtle shades of memory that aren't too clear but remain to muddy the waters of purity that I always thought a mother should have. Mother love is something I hungered for and I made my peace with the way my mother loved. She wasn't that bad but only because I held strict boundaries to our relationship as per my training in the mental health field these last twenty years.

I was the perfect person to take care of her and I know her influence on me wasn't all bad. I have the feeling she and my dad had ascended even higher on some scale of celestial beings because her death was a rush upward as if she was taken. She passed the tests of life as in the end she appreciated me so much and realized that her snap turtle ways were harmful.

I realize that I can forgive. They say forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. I am putting a big bow on that and embracing the earth mother while I trample on this real mother of mine and rebel like take control of her stuff and her burned body in a way that is satisfying to me. Me.

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Comment by nerd cred on April 1, 2015 at 9:54pm

Forgive if you want and need. You've earned it, you've earned your anger. The best thing is, you're feeling it, not hiding from it. With all the packing and moving you might be getting out from under it. And when you get to Hawaii, if you need to crash, crash. As hard as you need to. Sometimes, ime, when people get to a point like that they just get good and sick - a forced crash.

I'm amazed at the detail you remember in your dreams. I lose most of that as soon as I open my eyes. Your dreams seem like they're constructive, whatever the exact interpretations might be.

Comment by Zanelle on April 1, 2015 at 10:15pm

Thanks NC.  I get that negative emotions can lead to sickness.  I have always tried to stay balanced.  Writing helps.

Comment by Zanelle on April 2, 2015 at 12:25am

http://www.brainpickings.org/2015/03/05/franz-kafka-letter-father/?...

Kafka wrote a 47 page letter to his narcissistic father.  Riveting for me to read.

Comment by Rosigami on April 2, 2015 at 12:34am

Once you figure out what is at the root of your anger you will be able to banish it. Sometimes all that is needed is time. Anger is certainly one of the stages of grieving. Your ability and willingness to verbalize will always help you keep your balance.  Life is your adventure, and you know it. 

Comment by Hannu Virtanen on April 2, 2015 at 1:16am

You can remember your dreams in great details. I have no idea what it means. And I can't grasp any meaning in your dreams. But in any case you seem to be in a good balance.

Grieving will take time. Memories will become good after some time.

Comment by Jonathan Wolfman on April 2, 2015 at 3:39am

when you can, do more art, and if you want, in clay    the anger will go there

Comment by JMac1949 Today on April 2, 2015 at 4:36am

"...a gift you give yourself..."  The flip side of forgiveness is that in order to forgive anyone, you need to forgive yourself.  Psychic wounds of and from family tend to be deep and take a long time to heal.  Sometimes they leave us with a limp.  R&L

Comment by Jerry DeNuccio on April 2, 2015 at 4:54am

Anger is a secondary emotion, the result of some other emotion.  So, it could be that the only things to do with anger are to figure out what the primary emotion causing it is, and to realize that completely surrendering to it can have ramifications one may later regret.  I've never thought containing it, bottling it up, is a healthy thing to do.  It's more about understanding it and what we do with it.

Comment by koshersalaami on April 2, 2015 at 5:38am
You're undervalued in both dreams
Comment by M. C. Sears on April 2, 2015 at 6:09am
Working out, painting and writing helped me after my folks past.
Once you get past this stage of cleaning up and sorting out these dreams will become less charged.
Be well

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