After falling asleep with my clothes on because I am exhausted from moving so many of deceased mom's boxes of stuff to Hawaii I have had the most interesting dreams. Two have been full of anger.
I moved my own boxes too and actually it was a pleasure to go thru mom's precious things, sorting them out, dusting off forgotten treasures and remembering the funny stories. However my brain is wondering what to do with the anger.
In a funeral whirlwind people try to remember the good things about a person. Privately some scoff at the real nature of the departed producing tears that aren't always from grief. Some shed tears of relief. Mom requested no funeral. Fine with me.
In my first dream I was excited to get a dog and yet was passed over for one and ended up in a maze that was very constricting. As I finally was released out the door of some dream warehouse, a woman called after me, "We only give dogs to celebrities anyway."
I screamed back at her, "What makes you think I'm not a celebrity?!" I woke up madder than I have ever been in a dream. Shaking and sputtering I wandered around my house until I calmed down a bit and remembered it was just a dream. Ha. It was anger looking for a place to land. I think it was implied that I wasn't a celebrity because I have a big butt.
The second dream was a doozy that included sex with mom's neighbor but that didn't wake me up. Here is the story. A young girl was leading her beautiful horse out of the pasture after a show. I was walking along beside her and she said that she had been told to stop teaching her horse creative tricks as it was messing up his showing ability.
Later the girl gave me her card to reach her further because she and I had bonded. Her mother saw me reading it and snatched it out of my hand. That had been what the girl had feared and she shrugged. In a dream nanosecond I was on that bitch. I grabbed her from behind and shook her violently. "How dare you take that card from me!"
The girl was mortified as I told some other women to take the mother out of there before I did some serious damage. I had the card and gave the girl the thumbs up but she didn't respond. I wondered after I woke up if there would be consequences to the girl for my outburst. I remember the shocked look on the mother's face as I shook her, yelled at her and shoved her out. I enjoyed it.
There are spaces now in my mother's house that havent been seen in forty years. Stains and dirt, hidden notes and money. One Dream Whip container had money in it labeled Grocery Money which was crossed out and Earthquake Money was written instead. Her fear fueled her life. We have had some great restaurant meals lately with that fund.
My mom could have gone off the deep end. At 96 the paranoia was creeping in and most friends had been banished. Her best friend was there and mom died in her arms so I am glad I insisted that she keep this woman in her life and quit bad mouthing her behind her back. My mom's judgments hurt.
There had been some transformation between us with her becoming more like me these last thirteen years I have lived close to her and me becoming her. I get the German efficiency thing and the neighbors can't quite believe I have sold her house and shipped her stuff to Hawaii before she has been cremated. I am moving fast. Why tarry with emotion? Mom would have wanted it this way. I'm amazed at my own strength and as soon as I find out what to do with the anger I will be fine.
I am hauling out more than boxes from that house. There are subtle shades of memory that aren't too clear but remain to muddy the waters of purity that I always thought a mother should have. Mother love is something I hungered for and I made my peace with the way my mother loved. She wasn't that bad but only because I held strict boundaries to our relationship as per my training in the mental health field these last twenty years.
I was the perfect person to take care of her and I know her influence on me wasn't all bad. I have the feeling she and my dad had ascended even higher on some scale of celestial beings because her death was a rush upward as if she was taken. She passed the tests of life as in the end she appreciated me so much and realized that her snap turtle ways were harmful.
I realize that I can forgive. They say forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. I am putting a big bow on that and embracing the earth mother while I trample on this real mother of mine and rebel like take control of her stuff and her burned body in a way that is satisfying to me. Me.