sicker than i have ever been in body and in heart

chills that are breaking my back and a black hate for everyone i know

everyone who didnt step up to the plate everyone who is halfhearted 

everyone i ever met i dont care if i dont know them tomorrow

abuse so subtle you dont realize its abuse, it adds up over a decade or more

lack of respect shown in such small ways you didnt even know it till years went by 

or maybe not maybe you just learned so young how to deflect that you dont even know you do it

you know things are better than this elsewhere you know it is not just in situational comedies that friends can rally round

you have no tricks left no resources left you are empty except for rage

and tears

the fucking tears fuck the fucking tears they never served a goddamned purpose yet

there is no joy on the horizon

and so then what?

Views: 443

Comment by Jeanne Sathre on March 5, 2016 at 6:47am

Thinking of you, Daisy. And hoping things look better in the light of the day. Hang in there. 

Comment by DaisyJane on March 5, 2016 at 7:06am

hanging in, jl.  thank you.  

Comment by Lois Wickstrom on March 5, 2016 at 7:23am

Daisy, I used to get in glooms like that. Ever since I got hit by the car while riding my bike, and had a concussion, I now have a voice in my head that says, "it's all random."  This voice kicks in when I'm happy and when I'm angry. This voice takes the extremes out of emotions. It reminds me that millions of other people have felt what I'm feeling, and they survived. I'm just human. And this stuff just happens. And it's all random, so it's no big deal.  Even my death will be no big deal.  -- Hang in there. Because it's all random, you can trust that it will change.  Ask the voice in your head.

Comment by DaisyJane on March 5, 2016 at 7:31am

lois - it cant be any less effective than anything else i have tried.  its all random, huh?  thank you.

Comment by Lois Wickstrom on March 5, 2016 at 8:13am

Let me know if it helps.

Comment by JMac1949 Today on March 5, 2016 at 8:54am

DJ, for what it's worth I've encountered tens of thousands of people in my life.  I'm 67 this year and I can count my friends on one hand.  Aside from the voices I hear on NPR, all I get is the occasional phone call from my brother and the short exchanges I have with my housemates.  I know there are people in this world who have daily exchanges with friends and family, it just hasn't worked out that way for me.  So I'm pretty much alone except for chats and comments here on Our Salon and the voices in my head.

Comment by Amy Brook Palleson on March 5, 2016 at 9:23am

I like that "random" thing.  Yet I've heard that even "random" is a pattern; it's just that we cannot see it from the distance required to discern it.  

I've been to the dark place you're at, and somehow I came out, but had to let go of a lot of people who were once very important to me and who I thought would be in my life forever.  I just didn't want them around anymore, and didn't care to make myself fit into who they thought I was.  Mostly because the world is insane, truly it is, and if I tried and made sense of myself within it, I knew I'd be fucked.   

I just got home from attending the final few hours of a Sunrise Session (all night rave/art show/crepes at sunrise) thing; 47 years old and acting like a millennial-wannabe but I mostly went because I wanted to experience the sunrise in a new way, and at sunrise, they opened up the warehouse doors, and high on nothing except crepes, I stepped out of the dark smokiness and it was completely overcast--no visible sun--but there was this cloud that looked like the infinity symbol.  There's so much loss in life; but I don't miss those people, and maybe you won't either.  

Comment by DaisyJane on March 5, 2016 at 10:28am

lois i will let you know. it has already helped my shoulders relax a couple times.

jmac - there is a HUGE part of me looking forward to that, at least in my imagination.  its all these halfhearters i cant take anymore.  sending you a hug from my solitude over here, to your solitude over there.  <3

amy - crepes at sunrise and an infinity symbol sounds pretty swell.  i have been fantasizing for years about getting out of here - and its not to get new friends, but to get NO friends, since obviously, just like with lovers, i dont know how to pick them.  or maybe i have just changed, i dont know - but i do not think i will miss these people, at this point.

thanks, you guys.

Comment by Myriad on March 5, 2016 at 5:36pm

I think a lot of us are like JMac.  Days go by that I don't wear my hearing aids and I only talk to the animals. Okay, I wear the hearing aids to try to catch more of what the Brits in their infinite accents are on about in the various detective series.  For a lot of us, the people in our lives are disappointing ... even toxic.  Life is random all right - a random mess.  (Helped cheer you up, have I?)

Comment by JMac1949 Today on March 5, 2016 at 5:44pm

On the other hand, some of us have dragons... ;-D


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