or people i cant tell you about.
wonderful experiences in my youth i cant share.
bc one was
1. a brief relationship i had with a young man so wealthy his mom sells a painting for about 20 million dollars, every couple years. i cant tell you anything else. i tell you anything else, i give it away, and any number of tags could get me discovered. where he would then see that i havent a very charmed life, and nah, shaking my head, not into that.
2. a much lengthier friendship with his best friend. i still have letters he wrote me from college, that i could use to blackmail him. he is head of a giant worldwide company, their number one overall head honcho CEO, in a field i cant fathom how he came to join, nor how he could possibly, possibly have transformed from the boy i knew, who was irreverent and hilariously, stomache-achey, top-tier funny, to being a man stuffy enough to rise as high as he has. him i think of getting in touch with and saying, come on, for old times sake, let me be your maid in one of your places in italy.
3. one i am still friends with, a little bit. he has the best job of anyone i know. far better, in my opinion, than the second guy has, because whatever may be good about his fancy worldly job - however satisfying it might be on some level - i dont know how he is there and there is no possible chance that the job itself is anything like fun.
this guy's job, his job has got to be fun, as well as satisfying. he was my love for several years in my youth. we fell out of touch, in touch, out of touch. somehow one of the times we met, a sitcom came up. he said oh and of course you like so and so bc of his job. and i laughed and said yes of course i did, and i did.
and this boy, a man now of course, now has that job. i'd tell you what it is, but only one person in the entire country has the job, so, again - give away. tell you where he works, give away. well, it wouldnt tell you what he does there, but, no, cant risk him finding this and seeing that things arent peachy. i mean, since he knows me a bit still IRL he knows they arent peachy, but nobody IRL knows me like you guys do.
except that they know these people.
the first one, i have no idea where he is or what he does or if he is married or happy or what. i cant find a word of him online except as a survivor in an obituary.
the second and third both went to state schools, you know, for college. so i use them as examples for kids i know in real life, to remind them that for the most part, not entirely but largely, you will get out of college what you put into it.
thats all i can tell you. i wish i could tell you the fun parts.
and i am being wooed by someone else i knew in the olden days. i am unwooable bc i am unable to get easy in my skin, to feel one second's peace about the idea of a romantic partner, so its kind of stupid. but he likes talking to me and i like talking to him. he is very attentive. so, thats nice. i dont expect it to turn into anything, tho he has invited me for a day of it in nyc for my birthday. i will do that.
watched first kisses on youtube tonight. i declare the best realest first kiss to belong to jess and nick on new girl. that show makes me laugh a lot. yes, i compared it to lots of other important first kisses, and it kicks all their asses.
busy busy busy for christmas. tomorrow i take an acting class, as a step towards voice acting. turns out voice actors are just regular actors. i dont think i need it to read a commercial, but i guess i need SOMETHING on a resume, so, there it is.
oh oh wait one last thing. last night for the second time in four or five years i read an excerpt from my memoir which is being written as a novel. its the only way to give myself some distance. anyway, i read it in my writing group and 1. they think its worth developing, which i knew but is nice to have said by others. but MORE importantly - 2. i have struggled with how to let the reader know exactly who is who the first time they encounter them? well, they CANT. bc life doesnt go like that. AND i realized....
my two favorite novels are 100 years, and sometimes a great notion. BOTH of them are 100% incomprehensible at first. you have to get to the end to understand the beginning. now, i am not saying my book is like them or as good or even half as good or that it will take that long for it all to make sense.
all i am saying is this: there is a precedent for books which are considered worthy, to leave the reader confused at first. thats all.
ok. now i have to go to sleep or i am going to ruin my whole weekend bc of tiredness.