Trump Visits Pittsburgh to Console Jewish Mourners: Amid thousands of protestors, President Donald Trump visited the Pittsburgh synagogue to offer condolences to Jewish worshipers who were mourning the 11 people shot to death during Sabbath prayers. Why, what a sweet gesture for the Trumps to go and offer condolences to mourners at a synagogue that was all shot up by one of his rabid followers who committed the crime after becoming all fired up by the President’s inflammatory, conspiracy theory-laden speeches. And look, it kind of appears that Melania may have even brought pizza for everyone to snack on. It doesn’t get sweeter than that!
Trump to Sign Executive Order to End Birthright Citizenship: Declaring that “birthright citizenship has to end,” President Trump promised loyal followers he will sign an executive order to end the centuries-long, 14th amendment-protected practice. Gee, apparently Trump must have mistakenly thought he had taken an oath to “deflect and destroy” the Constitution.
New Research Shows Neanderthals Not Hunched-Over Cavemen: By using 3D virtual reconstruction of a Neanderthal ribcage, scientists determined that Neanderthals were not the stereotypical “hunched-over and barrel-chested cavemen” that we had previously assumed they were. In fact, it turns out they weren’t cavemen at all, and many owned fashionable condos just a tad west of Cleveland on the shores of Lake Erie. Good grief, if these researchers are correct, then I’d say we owe Neanderthals and their descendants shopping in Walmart stores all across America - a pretty big apology.