One week from today is the memorial for Steve. My hope/plan is this be a celebration of his life. The theme is "Jazz Funeral" ish, or as ish as I can make it. It will be here at the house trig (re)built.

I would LOVE to know your favorite tr ig saying, trigism, glimpse into the man known as tr ig, stories and the like that I can read aloud or at least print out. Much appreciation. 

Views: 819

Comment by Jenny on July 19, 2017 at 5:55am

GH, yes screaming and pounding on the floor or steering wheel (screaming while driving), tears and hopelessness. It's like a tsunami when it hits. 

I know I'm in survival mode due to the service at the house on Saturday, this my focal point. I"m sure it will hit hard once i get thru Saturday. Planning to take a trip to CO to see my daughter, grandson and SiL in a few weeks. My ex died at 52, so she's struggling in her own way, worried about me, reliving the death of her dad.

I also need order, I need to function and make money, I can't lose too much ground with no safety net.  

And even with my low dose xanax, sleep is fleeting. 

Yesterday I met with the woman who bought Steve's last deck. She was widowed 4 years ago. She said last November was the worst when their anniversary rolled around. Then at the same time, in perfect unison, we both said "we had plans". 

I know it gets less painful, but I also know I need to embrace the pain, that hole in my heart, it doesn't need to heal, just scar over a bit. 

Comment by koshersalaami on July 19, 2017 at 6:15am

Going to see your daughter in a few weeks is a very good idea. Right now you're not alone with your grief. When the fuss dies down, you'll still need support. 

Comment by greenheron on July 19, 2017 at 9:35am

Oh Jenny. That sleep thing. When for a few seconds as you are waking, there is a moment of no grief, then it descends like a heavy damp gray blanket that you can’t shake off. No words can comfort. You are connected with every human who ever lived, yet you feel utterly alone. 

That little guitar of his would turn me to heaving weeping jelly every time I saw it :(

Comment by Rita Shibr on July 19, 2017 at 1:08pm

Sending love out to the universe dear Jenny,  it must be such a tremendous ache and pain losing the love of your life so suddenly. Hug over the miles to you. xo 

Comment by Jenny on July 19, 2017 at 3:56pm
Comment by Jenny on July 19, 2017 at 4:09pm

The above is another video I found of him. Today a friend stopped by and helped me start putting together a scrapbook, so that and I keep listening to him sing. I love to hear his voice and see him animated. Sometimes I shock myself with that image of him in the chair and the lifeless face as I tried to revive him. 

My bathroom is back together and very clean. People keep asking me what they can do to help, and I have no answers. I don't know what I don't know, so if something gets missed for the memorial, I guess it's oh well. 

Me and the pup will head to Colorado in a couple of weeks. He's a great traveling partner. Won't stay long, but will see my girl and grandson. Maybe hike the Manitou Incline for the 3rd time. I sprinkle some ashes into the wind. 

Oh, picked up his ashes today. That was hard. 

Comment by JMac1949 Today on July 19, 2017 at 4:22pm

Jenny, all my best to you and yours as you celebrate the life and passage of your beloved.  Here's another John Prine song that I think he might have enjoyed:

Comment by koshersalaami on July 19, 2017 at 5:14pm

I wish I knew what to tell you. Your pain leaps off the page. The memorial will give you something to do for Steve. That's a good thing. Don't obsess over what you miss - no one with a quarter of a brain will expect you to get everything right at the moment, and Steve sure as a Hell wouldn't. Frankly, if anyone close has expectations, put them to work on them. 

Comment by greenheron on July 19, 2017 at 5:48pm

Excuse me that I laughed a little at Steve singing “I am an old woman”, with his stubble, straw hat and sunglasses, the picture of testosterone.

It must have been awful, finding him. I can’t even imagine.

You'll do this. You already are.

xoxoxoxo,

greenheron 

Comment by koshersalaami on July 19, 2017 at 8:19pm

I knew what song it was from the chords before he started singing, and there's only two chords (repeated).

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