An hour used to be a real hour. Time is passing by at the speed of light. 

No matter how much you accomplish in  nursing home rehab center it's contained in that environment. You are in a completely cemented structure  There is the real world and there is the world that you have become a part of our of no choice. Even those that choose this environment choose it out of no other choice available. 

For many, including my mother this become a good choice. 

Mom is taking the statement of sliding in bruised and beat up exclaiming "man what a hell of a ride!" literally. She currently has a hell of a shiner from her most recent fall. 

Been a few days...  Life seems endless sometimes here.  The three days a week hookup just never gets easy. Every single time is like the first time, filled with fear and disappointment. With each poke of the needle comes a reminder of what brought me to this place. 

We have a new resident named Martha who for solid days in a row tries to get out one of our six doors but has not been able to yet. She doesn't know the codes and whatever bracelet she has locks the doors when she gets near.  it's an unbelievable determination that is heartbreaking. My mother is doing the same by packing her suitcase and purse to get ready to go home. 

It's all heartbreaking to me right now. I feel such sorrow watching my mother each day. I find it devastating that my brother Nathan needs a break from mom and me. He sends his boys who love to visit. We are all lucky for these two. I am luckiest of all for having my daughter and grandson. I miss them so. 

I have to be so careful. I could stay in this room for days without any contact. The only break in my solitude is my trips to dialysis. Even those can be so lonely. A loneliness that is unimaginable.  It's a room full of victims who are eeking out the remaining years of their lives. 

What I know today is that this world, this round ball is really just an illusion that we all carry with us. Each of us has an interpretation of what the globe is. For some the description is similar so you have groups of people that have similar beliefs. Unfortunately these groups of similar philosophies are many times dangerous. We are seeing this right now with the Trump spring break going on. For those who have a unique concept they are the painters, sculptors, musicians actors and actresses. They create a colorful brilliant world that is the backdrop in a crazy violent world. I do not understand why ignorance is more powerful at times than intelligence and beauty and especially love. The attributes that should describe the world are lost in stupidity and violence. As we continue our journey to consciousness it is clear that the understanding of the now and the whole is farther away than it was. 

Mom just wheeled into my room and let me know that uncle Paul's car was parked in Nathan's driveway and that she had they keys in her purse so that no one would be driving around in the car. If I saw Nathan I was to let him know. 

Uncle Paul has been dead for years and any car that was uncle Paul's has been gone for years and who knows what the keys in her purse start or open.  I was too tired to go into battle with her again over uncle Paul being dead etc,. 

Mom joined the women in the common area and continued to talk about uncle Paul and they all agree with her that no one needed to be driving the car and then went into their own delusional stories. The crazy flowed through the hallways coming from the common area.  Kissy was shuffling around going "I don't know.  Where did she go?  I don’t know.  I need to leave this place."  Luanne kept wheeling up to people bumping into them asking similar questions.  Luanne was looking for someone.  We were all looking for someone.  Luanne was always in the way. Not just in the way of me but of everyone. Always in the way.  I wondered if she spent her entire life in the way. 

The music spilled from my speakers as my fingers flew across my keyboard locked up in my room, my solitude for another hour and then it was waiting for my ride to dialysis  My life was a series of waiting for Nathan and waiting to go to dialysis.  I have to somehow break this pattern.  I needed to find a new freedom.  To find a new journey.  A new adventure. 


Views: 44

Comment by Zanelle on March 24, 2016 at 4:40pm

Wow, you can sure write there.  I would take little outings in my mind.  please don't argue with your mom about what is real.  just nod your head. Hugs.

Comment by Sheila Reep on March 25, 2016 at 9:01am

My former secretary is going through dialysis now.  I try to stay in touch with her.  My dad is the only sane one as far as (we can see) in the family he chose.  Life seems to get rougher before it gets easier, for us all.  Thank you for your words, they do help.  As for finding new freedoms...sometimes it is right in front of us.  


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