i fear that every year since i joined open, which was in september 2008, i fear that every single year i have said, "this was the worst year of my life. i pray next year is a good one."
2015 really was, no contest and hands down, the worst year of my life, and if there is a worse one, i dont think i will hang around after that. nodding. yeah.
i'm 50 now. guess i was only 42 when i joined open. 42. my son was, therefore, pardon me while i take a long time to figure this out, 11 going on 12. he is now 18 going on 19.
i done fucked up, salon.
i wish i got off the computer and left keith a full decade ago. you wouldnt even know him bc he would have been ancient history by the time i joined, and we'd have become homeless or whatever fate it was back THEN. if i had had the courage to do that, then by now all that would have been cleared up and we would be well back on track. instead of now, at 50 and almost 19, we are going to derail, and have to find our way back on track.
cant go backwards. i would give a lot to go backwards. i would miss my boss's funeral where i met keith. i almost missed it. if his very bad daughter hadn't waited till her schedule was open to have her father's funeral, i'd have missed it. yeah, if i could go back in time, i'd prefer to have never even met him.
life zooms by. zooms. ZOOMS.
i imagine i know more about most of you than plenty of your friends do, and i know you know more about me, in a lot of ways. not quite more all the way around, but plenty. or at least you used to. my memory is shot, and i am not necessarily sure anymore what i said when or how. i remember some pretty good feuds. pretty good for a feud, i mean - sustained and ugly, like a feud should be. not good as in sensible. fortunately, i can say that i was always on the side of right, so at least there is that.
i have seen friends on here come and go - some into the ether, and some up to heaven. i dont like it at all.
in those 8 years i lost weight once and didnt keep it off. i quit smoking - solid quitting, not for a day or two - a whole handful of times, but so far none stuck. shrugging - what drives me to smoke would drive most people to their knees, i cannot blame myself for it right now.
my son went from a small skinny unique kid with the world possibly at his fingertips, to a big burly kid with a big beard, utterly directionless, rudderless, and i am the entire tether.
the number of people and systems and organizations who havent been here for us is a foul number. that is a litany i need to let go of, somehow. but its hard to, when he feels the effect daily, and as he goes, so i go.
i went to a monastery and worked on my yaddo app. its all done. either they say yes or no. i know they are too fancy for me, but driving distance is necessary, i mean, easy driving distance so i can get myself home if need be. but i love the story i sent. if they dont like it, there is nothing i can do about it.
i set my intentions for the year. i did it last year and finally published my book of poems, so thats not bad. got accepted to lead a workshop at an academic conference, to be a featured presenter. that was pretty swell.
hoping to build on that this year.
as i have said for many many years, now
onward and upward.
happy new year, my online friends.