Last year, I had weight-loss surgery. I plateaued due to emotional bullshit after the initial 100-lb. loss.  I still have another 100 lbs. to go, but it's not a huge focus for me right now.  I have bigger health-related fish to fry.  I was celibate for over two years, and the first guy I get with after that hiatus infected me with a gift that keeps on giving.  My "here's your sign" moment was when I endured my initial outbreak and honestly, strongly, considered suicide.  It'd been a while since I've seriously had that ideation, but when you can't even pee without blacking out from the pain, it puts shit into perspective. this thing will never go away - it will always be in my system.  It also compromises my immune system, so everything is fucked.  ever since the surgery I have had malabsorption issues anyways, so this is scary bad.  Now I've been having nightmares about the fucker for two weeks now, where usually sleep is my only respite.  It's like the fucker has radar, because he dared try to contact me last night on the only remaining medium on which I haven't blocked him, and that's only because I'm not entirely sure how to block someone on emails.

Last fall, I started a job as an actual teacher at a public elementary school.  I had heard numerous horror stories about the school, but I was naive as always and everything, so I still went in.  It was perpetual trial by fire.  I have started this school year extraordinarily disillusioned and burnt out, and the writing on the wall says that I should bail.  Understand that it has NOTHING to do with the kids, but it has EVERYTHING to do with the fucky administration, the fuckily-paced curriculum, the psychotic District, and the revolting data obsession.  This is not how I envisioned teaching to be.  I actually like to fucking TEACH, not produce data as it's needed, apparently, at least in this particular educational setting. I know I would be right within my zone working in a private school or another charter school, and I've always had a love for ESE.  I just know that something needs to give, and soon.  My mental state is deteriorating.  From what administration is wanting us to produce in our classrooms, I know that I'm not the woman for the job.  I'll be damned if I'm going to let them make a fool out of me, either by shipping me off to a portable to pull small intensive groups like they did with my good teacher friend from last year - his kids had no notice that he was being replaced, and he had no notice that he was being banished.  I won't also be an example that is made to pack up my belongings IN FRONT OF MY KIDS and escorted off campus just because I dared defy instruction and show the fact that I'm not a fucking automaton.  This happened (the packing up) with three different teachers last year.  The latest teacher was made to do this the day before the last day of school.  In front of her second graders.  Can you imagine?  I don't feel secure there at all.  You know how sharks always look like they're smiling?  My administrative bodies are always smiling.  Don't trust people who do that.  

Anyways. I love kids, but this environment is literally killing me.  I have considered subbing.  There is a significant shortage of subs in our county, and I've done it before, and the pay is almost comparable... well, not really, but the stress isn't the same. Idk anymore.  I just know that something needs to give, and soon.  I work a second job on the side, in retail, and I'm friends with the manager.  We were actually friends a long time before he offered me a job there, so when my nutty ass tried to resign on the spot, he gave me some time to cool off and hasn't processed the request yet.  I do actually like the job, but the stress of seeing people that I know from my school job there is... so much.  Otherwise, most of the customers and the staff make it almost a cathartic job.  I applied to work in Corrections again, and I really like that supervisor, but we'll see if I get selected.  She's going through many avenues of hassle to get my background and references checked and such, so it seems like I legitimately have a shot, because otherwise why would she bother?  I worked in a probation office for over seven years, and I miss (in some regards) that sort of environment.  It comes very naturally for me. But, I also like teaching kids.  I've tried to figure out how to reconcile the two, but not successfully.  Best I can come up with is teaching in a juvenile detention facility, but I feel that this is really not what I'm needing in life.  They need a strong person, which of course I am and can be, but it takes so much out of me.  Introversion sucks immensely.

In other news, my daughter just started sixth grade, and she's so broody, and given everything that I've been through this year and she is like a little emotional sponge and dealing with puberty in addition to that, and not being a fan of our living situation, it's all a perfect storm and I am trying to get back to being an uber-present mom for her.  Trying to rebuild that relationship.  When I was dating that piece of shit, he took a lot of time away from her.  I'm trying to recover that.  My mom is on disability, and my little brother is ESE but just turned 18 and for some reason, Social Security feels that Asperger's is instantly better as soon as one turns legal, so they've denied his disability claim, which is mental but that's government horseshit for you.  So, I am the bulk of the finances being brought in, which is a huge reason why I picked up the second job in the first place, and also that piece of shit that I dated wasn't worth much and couldn't keep a job so I was the breadwinner there also.  So yea, between my serious anxiety and depression and dysfunctional at its core relationship with my mother but simultaneously feeling that I owe it to her to get her and my little brother stabilized because she's not entirely sane and just yea, it's a lot.  My goal was to survive this school year and between what surplus I can hang on to from the teaching job, as well as the retail job and in conjunction with my tax return, that I'll have enough to buy a little place (trailer or rv park model) for my mom and little brother and another one for my daughter and I.  Well, I saw this place on FB Marketplace the day before yesterday that I saw yesterday and although it's been gutted, it has good bones and I like the neighborhood, and the guy who owns it is willing to work with me and I asked him if once I paid it off (which won't take long), could I pay him to make gradual repairs, and he said yes, and he is very nice, but I know that at the end of it he is a businessman.  I've been fucked over with places before, so I am cautiously optimistic.  I woke up sick this morning and I know it's widely because of stress so I actually had to call off today, so I'll have a shitstorm to clean up in my classroom tomorrow.  Also, going back to administration, they can send FOURTEEN emails in the span of less than two days, but then when I email something back, something that is a legitimate question (can I compile my own lesson plans, since I am the only remaining/surviving fifth grade all-subjects-teaching teacher who is left from the team from last year, so this shit is all old game to me?) and they can't respond, but you can bet your ass that I got three more emails from them after I had sent that one, so it's not like they weren't at their computers?  What the actual fuck?  It doesn't suit you, so you ignore it?  Do you know how quickly I'd have been fired from any job, but especially this job, if I had owned that sort of mentality?  I just can't even.  Talk about white girling it.  Good thing I am one.  I should pull on some yoga pants and go to Starbucks or some shit, but in all actuality I just want to go live in that gutted RV, drink some hot cocoa, and write.  Home school my kid, because she's what I'm about anyways in life - everything that I do in life ultimately is for her, and that includes living.  

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