Mom tests the limits of perception in here on a daily basis. Today she came to my room and wanted to know who brought her here and where wer they now. The issue here is that in her world someone defintely brought her here from somewhere. in my world she has been here almost a year. She is convinced as I am with my view of reality. Both realities seem to be real.
My dreams take me so far out into another reality and when it involves family there is a raging dysfunction going on and in this dream is a solution that is merely playing the rel roles that we were brought here to play. Mom's dreams are of loneliness and betrayal of family. family just doesn't exist. The gap is from uncle Paul from the fifties to now. The truth behind these dreams into different perspectives is that what has been broken cannot be fixed. I cannot fix what i have broken in my life. I will never walk again and I have to go to dialysis every other day of the week and the failed kidneys will complicate my life in many ways until it kills me. Mom will never realize the family she had. The potential of a perfect family, the love that could have been experienced. She will stay lost in the reality of wht her life ws as little girl and how her family betrayed her. How we betrayed her. Of course her dreams may be designed to bring the truth to the surface and by doing this she has made her own choice in this lie and she is starting over.
We have a resident woman here that is a large woman with enormous breasts which she just doesn't care what these unleashed monsters look like in a t-shirt. Actually she is advertising and on a cold windy night those behemoths might be nice to cuddle up to, until you begin to see this woman's personality. She's had moments of salping other residents and can just be completely out of hand at times. This is fascinating in its own right but not what I find the most disgustingly interesting about this woman are two things. She lusts after men, no big deal but she professes to be an ultra-conservative and religious fanatic. One again terrible people believing in terrible things. This again is fascinating but not the most fascinating. The most attention getting aspect of this woman is how she eats. Mom and I were subject to it at Thanksgiving last year. She was seated with us ith all the other misfits and when they started bringing out food she tore into it like a pack of gazelles. If someone relinquished their pie she delightfully took It and devoured it. She ended up eating four pieces of pie. the empty plate rule struck true to her. Everything was gone and like everything is true with her it was done noisily and viciously the way she showed up to the table with her walker. I was subject to her violence when she started eating snacks one night and ound out that my daughter was a lesbian and she kept calling her lessie and how she was doomed to hell while she shoveled food into her gullet. She flirts with me all the time but that was no done. I did not acknowledge her existence fro that point on. Which she noticed. She began a different approach to me, more respectful but she never gave In on her horrible ideas about my daughter and I never forgave for her behavior in reference to my daughter.
She sits at the table with all the remaining misfits and my mother sits there sometimes and mom threw two pieces of candy on the table the other day and said go for it and this woman had both pieces of candy in front of her with no guilt or shame and was unwrapping them and devouring them feverishly. She did acknowledge our very fat yorkie and fed her some chocolate not acknowledging that chocolate kills dogs. On closer view she was digging out the middle od the candy bar and feeding the dog.
The little nurse we had tonight ask me what my red fingernail meant as if there was some significance behind me having it painted. I smiled and shrugged my shoulders. I did have a reason except I liked it painted red.
That concludes the ravages of time and space as the viciousness of both time and space are ripped party from this woman until such time when we will find her on the floor eating the yorkie and no one, not even the owner who is a wealy man will approach the woman out of fear of losing an arm and finally there she would sit stomach protruding from the feast of the little fat dog and those giant breasts hang down on both sides with that glazed look of satisfaction in her eyes.
Mom just came to my room looking for a way to go home but realizing that someone else lived there and that there was nowhere to go home to. Sh sat or a few minutes prodessing this and then said she was going to go back to her room. Moments later kisssy came down the hall, "Hey, hey I'vegot to get out of here. Hey hey, will you go with me?" Over and over again. KIssy was saying outload whe we all felt. I want to go home. Will youi come with me?
This is life in a nursing home...