Not certain, but I may have been macked on by an old lady at the grocery yesterday.

I try to go at odd times to avoid the rush. Getting buggy-trapped in the center of an aisle is an issue for me. Never hungry and never totally straight, I like to cruise the cart slowly, leisurely like. So I was doing just that, mostly unencumbered by crowds and kids, but it seemed every time I came to a section where I was actually going to pick something up, there was someone standing directly in the way of the item I longed for. As if in a bad dream, I was so close but yet so far, as some woman slower yet than myself stood for minutes straight, pinky finger in corner of mouth like Dr. Evil, staring at the actually rather sparse selection, unable to make a call and move on. 

So, I needed bread crumbs you see, but equal parts stupid and stoned, couldn't locate the bread crumb aisle. It was my last item; I'd been in there an hour and a half already and started remembering the world and my life out there. I was, after all, hoping to exit before the sun set. From the far end, I spotted them, Progresso Italian crumbs, and some other types. In big picture consideration, I would have grabbed any of them and fled to check out, if an old lady hadn't ducked into my aisle from the other end, and beat me to them.

There she parked, only other person besides me in the lane, di-freaking-rectly in my way, doing the slow ogle. A lady of quality and class, maybe, wearing the skin of some poor furry creature over her shoulders, she reminded me of Lovey from Gilligan's Island. Mrs. Thurston Howell III esq.. Not that I was staring, but that was the image that came to mind, mind you. I bided my time patiently, pretending to be interested in the items across from the damned bread crumbs as I waited. Time stood still as minutes turned to hours in my head, and finally, having had enough, I kind of snuck around to her blind side and long-armed me the biggest cardboard can of crumbs I could grab, so as to avoid having to once again bread crumb shop any time in the near future.

And off I went, or so I thought, but oh no. Lovey engaged me in conversation!

She turned to me and said "excuse me, I noticed that you picked up the Progresso Italian crumbs. Are those good?"

Her eyelashes were long, surely too long, heavy black mascara painted with upturns on each outer side, Cleopatra style. Her hair was white-blonde, well done by a pro, that was obvious, and I thought I could see that once upon a time she was probably quite attractive. Her voice and speech had certain lilting qualities that were pleasing to me. Surely, once again, a lady refined as the midwest has to offer, though on the slippery downslope side of life. 

"Well, yes" I replied "they are quite good." That's the best I could come up with. Are bread crumbs good? But of course!

"So, what are they, exactly?" This one set my head to spinning.

After a pause, befuddled more than a bit, I answered. "Imagine taking bread, fresh bread, and toasting it, then crushing it into small bits. Then adding some herbs .. and stuff."

She took that in and I could see the wheels were spinning behind those heavy lids. 

Then, "if you don't mind me asking, what do you use them for?"

"No, I don't mind" I offered politely. "There are a plethora of uses. Tonight, I will be coating meat with these breadcrumbs, to do an oven fry, if you will."

Seeing she might be on the right track .... "OH!"

So once again, I set the buggy in motion, wondering if indeed there would still be daylight on the outside.

But then "how about in a meatloaf?"

I smiled and gave an enthused thumbs up, and replied "AB-SO-LUTELY!"

And, finally, on my way.

As I strolled to the checker I muttered aloud to myself, how does a woman get to be that age and not know what to do with bread crumbs? Certainly, this was a ruse on her part to start a conversation with me. Did she make it this far in life, never having to prepare a meatloaf?

No way. It was ME that she wanted. Bwahahaha!!

I exited then, into the full darkness of night. 

Views: 501

Comment by JMac1949 Today on February 5, 2016 at 3:40pm

R&L ;-D

Comment by alsoknownas on February 5, 2016 at 3:43pm

Please confirm this was not at TJ's.

All I can tell you is just be glad you are not a shoe salesperson.

I was at a young age.

You want to get hit on ? Try that.


Comment by tr ig on February 5, 2016 at 3:48pm

Joisey, that would be passed, not past. My hands are my finest feature. Probably exactly what she noticed.

Thx JMac .. glad you read and liked

Ashamed to say aka, it was Walmart. They have big hunks of filet mignon for cheap sometimes, though not yesterday. So today I went to TJ's for purple potatoes, and saw a first for me there, a woman double my weight, in tights. Sigh.

Comment by Jonathan Wolfman on February 5, 2016 at 4:06pm

... hmmm     there's something here that bears subtle investigation....

Comment by Jeanne Sathre on February 5, 2016 at 4:23pm

I'm pretty sure she had just read an article about the best places to meet men. Although I always thought it was in the fruit aisle.

Comment by Safe Bet's Amy on February 5, 2016 at 4:34pm

"There are a plethora of uses."

I don't give a shit HOW stoned you were, you did NOT use the word "plethora"!  ...and even if you really did, there is no FREAKIN way she stuck around after you sprayed her with saliva from saying it!

Comment by tr ig on February 5, 2016 at 4:38pm

JW .. thanks dog. But, what needs subtle investigates?

Jeanne, HI once again. Thanks! In the fruit aisle, you find fruits. Solid boy-toy material? Bread crumb lane.

Amy that's hilarious. You're right, I made that shit up! God do I wish though, that I could work plethora (say it don't spray it) into my vocab more often.

Comment by Zanelle on February 5, 2016 at 5:43pm

She had her eye on you....she reminds me of me.  I am always on the prowl in stores.  Home Depot turns me on big time and I had a lovely gentleman helping me in the plumbing aisle last time.....then there was an old hippie getting propane at the same time as me and he peeked at me with the cutest face...apparently he just bought a new house...that is always a nice lead in line...he even helped me load my propane into the car...."I like your tail." I said..."Thanks," he said, "Ive been growing it a long time."  .....and that was it.  Maybe I smelled mind runs over what else I could have done but in the end if there is chemistry it happens and if not it doesn't....its been a long time since I hooked up with someone in a grocery store.  You were very nice to the old bat.

Comment by koshersalaami on February 5, 2016 at 7:58pm
Kraft macaroni & cheese. Those breadcrumbs are great on that.

She might not eat that. But it's WalMart, so maybe.
Comment by Veronica Corso on February 6, 2016 at 7:06am

Dawg! You must have been unshaven and wearing flannel. 


You need to be a member of Our Salon to add comments!

Join Our Salon


Pen for Hire ( Bathos, Pathos)

Posted by J.P. Hart on June 19, 2019 at 11:23am 3 Comments

Always Out Front.... Anyway

Posted by Robert B. James on June 19, 2019 at 8:34am 1 Comment

One Flew Under Radar

Posted by J.P. Hart on June 18, 2019 at 3:15pm 0 Comments

Tolerance and Bigots

Posted by alsoknownas on June 18, 2019 at 2:20pm 6 Comments

Where Jaws was Filmed

Posted by J.P. Hart on June 18, 2019 at 11:19am 3 Comments

I’m Not A Buddhist

Posted by Robert B. James on June 18, 2019 at 7:42am 5 Comments

2 Questions for Kosh and Jon

Posted by Ron Powell on June 18, 2019 at 2:30am 9 Comments

© 2019   Created by lorianne.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Privacy Policy  |  Terms of Service