The Hollywood Science Ninja Team From Corporate Hell!

What do you say we have a little fun with today’s post? It’s been nothing but serious serious serious in the news lately, and politics politics politics. The serious politics bit is why I’ve gone down to blogging one day a week. Everyone, including myself, is so paranoid about what’s going on in Washington, we’re not reading much for pleasure. Even I have the “Oh, Christ, what’s he done now???” mentality. So, what could we do today to lighten the mood? I have an idea.

I’ve been reading lately about Iron Fist, the new Netflix series. People seem to have two reactions to it; 1) it’s dull and not very good overall, and 2) it’s been whitewashed. Now, I remember when The Last Airbender film got released and I think it was Alec Mapa who posted on MySpace about going to see an Asian movie with no Asians in it. There have also grumblings about whitewashing in Dr. Strange, Dragonball: Evolution, and a number of others. Has Hollywood no shame?

I hope not because I have a terrific idea for an updated version of a Japanese/childhood classic! Have you ever heard of Gatchaman? Or, as we knew it in the US in the 1970s, Battle of the Planets. They’re a science ninja team who flies around in their ship, the Phoenix, keeping the earth safe from alien invaders. Sounds easy enough to recreate, right? But I think we need to modernize things a bit.

First, the leader, Ken (or Mark in the US anime version). Instead of looking out for his teammates, Ken should look after corporate interests, like making sure the ship doesn’t get damaged in battle (leading to costly repairs), they have rehearsed speeches with appropriate catchphrases for any interviews, and understands the concept of “acceptable losses” in sacrificing the other team members when they’re badly hurt or their usefulness has come to an end. Unemployment costs the company money as do lawsuits. Best to let insurance pay out.

Joe (or Jason in the US version). Here’s an angry man! Only we should have him angry because he’s sexually frustrated. He discovers his Zen calm through sex parties where he can gratify himself with multiple partners and in a BDSM setting, which ultimately helps him in getting along with the rest of the science ninja team during times of battle.

Jun (or Princess in the US version). I’ve always felt sorry for Jun because she’s the only girl in a pool of testosterone. Ultimately, though, I think it makes her the sensible one, and also the one the other men and corporation want to get rid of. Why? Because she’s read their contracts. She watches the changes made to company policies and their healthcare plans. And when she discusses settling down one day and having children, the bean counters start figuring out costs for maternity leave, accumulated vacation time since she won’t be going on as many missions, and retirement costs. They plot to off her.

Jinpei (or Keyop in the US version). He’s Jun’s little brother, only this little bastard is a sociopath. The corporation has been grooming him with subliminal messages and medication to become the ultimate soldier. He’s fiercely loyal to the bottom line, follows orders to the letter, never questions orders, has no qualms about killing anyone he’s ordered to, and can sell a lie or cover-up with complete sincerity.

That leaves the pilot, Ryu (or Tiny in the US version). This slightly overweight schlub is often played for comic relief despite his skills as a pilot. And he’s harmless…or so we think. What we don’t know is he secretly reports directly to the board and has their permission to destroy the Phoenix and everyone in it if he feels it will save them future liability.

See? The PERFECT Hollywood movie! And I’m fairly confident their casting only white folks would go over with the Asian community because the film would be a stinking pile of shit. The budget would be astronomical, the special effects phenomenal, the reviews horrifical, and the return not worth the effort to consider a sequel. I’d even offer to write the script for an exorbitant fee, and then be set for life.

How about you this fine Monday morning? Any ideas for a series you’d like to see Hollywood take on?

Views: 11

Comment by koshersalaami on March 27, 2017 at 6:54am

I'm hearing a Springtime For Hitler sort of hit.

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