Once upon a time, long, long ago, and maybe not so long ago, but sort of long ago, if you look at things in a relative kind of way,
You mean like Aunt Sue?
and no, not those relatives. Think astrally.
So there was a girl and there was a guy.
Aren't there more than one guy and one girl? I see a whole lot of them every day.
Okay, there are lots of girls and guys but I'm thinking of only one girl and only one guy. Why in the world are you being difficult about this?
I'm not being diffi-, diff-, difficulter.
You asked for a story and I am really trying to give you one but you keep interrupting me.
You don't make sense!
Well, if you would SHUT UP maybe I could get to the point of the whole thing!
So this girl and this guy didn't know each other.
Why are we talking about people we don't know? Mama said we shouldn't talk about people we don't know.
Why am I talking about them?
Because they are going to meet each other. Why else would I tell a story about them?
Mama says we only talk about people to tell mean things about them and we shouldn't do that. So if you talk about them then you are a mean person and I don't want you to be a mean person.
This is a story about not real people.
Oh, pretend people. That's okay then.
So this girl and this guy ended up at the same pub one night. A pub called the Kings Arms on the High Street.
There's no pub on High Street called the King's Arms. It's called the King's...
I called it that and put it there because there is always a pub on the High Street called the Kings Arms. Now, SHUT. UP. already.
The girl got there first, and ordered herself a pint of cider. She quite liked the cider, and treated herself to a pint once or twice a week.
She's a lush. Mama says anyone who drinks cider is a lush.
No, she's not a lush. Really, two drinks a week makes a drunk? Where in the world did you grow up?
Here. Where else would I...
The guy showed up around half past.
Half past what hour? The hour matters. If it's too early then...
No, the hour doesn't matter. It's a story for gosh sakes. Are you ever going to shut up and let me get on with this?
The guy sidles up to the bar for a pint of stout.
Yes, stout. He is a guy, after all. So he gets his pint and looks around at his favorite booth and sees that it's occupied.
She's in his booth!?
Yes, the girl is in his booth. How did you think they were going to meet?
In the bathroom doing the nasty.
What? Where did you learn about that? No, no, don't tell me. I don't want to know.
The guy walks over to his booth with his most charming smile on his face. "Hello," he says. "Mind if I join you?"
Of course he asked. What was he supposed to do?
It was his booth! He should have just tossed her out.
Oh, you think he should have just thrown her out? And you wonder why the girls don't like you.
They do, too!
So the girl looks up, and gives him the old once over.
She beat him up?
No, she didn't beat him up. She checked him out, looked him over.
She needs to be clocked.
You need to be clocked.
Apparently, she liked what she saw so she agreed to share the booth with him.
Oh, that's fun. Mama says sharing is good.
They ended up having a really fun evening. They switched to wine after the first pint, a nice healthy merlot. The guy made sure that her glass stayed full and she did the same for him.
Oh, I know what's next! Cut to the ending!!!
But I have more story to tell. Do you really want the ending now?
Yes. Ending, ending, ending!
Have you never heard of building a story?
No, get to the good stuff!
Oh for goodness sake. Fine, here's the ending.
A guy on the train, two wineglasses with red residue, bandage tape on his forehead.
What happened to the sex?
You wanted the ending.