The tropics. I remember the tropics from being a little girl living on Oahu and then on Guam. It is dense here with the air heavy and ominous. Dark clouds are gathering for tomorrow because of another hurricane that is off the coast but degrading to a tropical storm as is the pattern. Hot, sultry and threatening, the night waits for tomorrow with dread.
The last four days have been perfect. Not just ok but glorious. Paradise crows with delight as the mornings ring in clear with just the right amount of breeze to keep the bugs at bay. I am completely off the grid now as the little men came and took the hot wire away. I tore down the temporary power pole that has been up since 1997 and I am at the mercy of the weather for sure now. It is official that when the sun shines I have power and when it doesn't I don't. The hurricane last time brought several dark days in a row and I had to turn everything off. I have a generator now so I feel more secure. The doldrums set in as the island braces for another hit.
We wait for the coconuts to drop but the leaves drop first. Waiting and worrying about how it would feel if one dropped on my head. I saw the big leaf fall first. Several have come off the palms and the growth and death come rapidly and then there is the wait for the new leaf to be born. Life and death in the tropics is more intense than other climates. Decay and birth happen fast. I imagine what palm tree I would tie myself to if the winds got really strong.
A leaf fell off another palm and left two little birds without their nest. I could see the two of them so concerned about where to put the latest piece of their structure when the rest of it was on the ground. I saved it and marvel at the round construction of the little soft bag. No eggs seem to be inside. I see lots of nests around my yard. Hope amid the terror.
This new leaf is taking a long time to form and unfold. I wait for the fanning. Waiting, waiting and then suddenly it will be born. I don't think the other leaves will celebrate and I doubt that they miss the one that just turned brown and hit the ground. I picked it up and saved it under the stairs. Waiting to see what I can do with old fronds. Waiting to see how it all unfolds and then decays and unfolds again. Watching the life all around and the death, trying not to judge and yet judging fiercely because I want to survive.
I want to be able to stay alive for awhile. I can feel the gravity dragging my body towards the center of the earth more each day. My spirit is ready to soar and yet I don't know where. The doldrums have tight hold of me in this muggy weather. Hawaii gathers around itself and seems to mourn the passing of time and celebrate the renewal and yet it all happens with little feeling. It is mostly just the way it is. Creation is all around us always, no way out.
In preparation for the building of my front stairs tomorrow I cut back some plants and realized that I had cut off these two blossoms. One might be going to seed and I could harvest them but it was all so tragic. I may be too sensitive to be a gardener. I worry and relate to all the deaths and births in the plants and this murder by me of these two beautiful stalks took me down. There is a time of reckoning, when we know that the path we took was the wrong one and we pay. I try to find a good thought that maybe the flowers would have been trampled with the construction and the storm and I can give them a last bit of glory and life here in my sink. It doesn't work. It is just sad that these blossoms were cut down in their prime and I did it out of carelessness. Oh, the doldrums of life that ebb and flow through my heart, making me ride the waves of regret and hope, over and over again.