Televangelist Jim Bakker Demands Viewers Buy His Pancake Mix: Disgraced televangelist Jim Bakker warned viewers that their grandchildren could face eternal damnation and President Trump possibly be assassinated unless they send him $60 (plus shipping and handling) for a bucket of the pancake mix which he is selling. All I can say is, let this serve as a warning to all of you who think you can just eat at IHOP once in a while and still save your souls - the Lord isn’t fooled by that kind of crêpe. In fact, I’m been thinking about designing a custom griddle that'll put the image of Jesus on all these pancakes. That ought to butter him up a bit.
Franklin Graham Attacks Ray Moore Denouncers: According to Evangelist Franklin Graham, those denouncing alleged pedophile and Alabama senatorial candidate Roy Moore “are guilty of doing much worse than what he has been accused of supposedly doing.” Smart observation on the part of Reverend Graham. I mean, if Alabama doesn’t elect this pervert to the Senate, next thing you know - hordes of transgenders will begin using public restrooms and our young people could be at risk of not believing everything they hear on Fox News. Give him a break, the good pastor is only trying to give loyal Alabama Republicans a little Ray Moore of hope.
Florida Man Accused of Impersonating Cop for Discounted Doughnuts: Florida police have arrested a man who was impersonating a cop so he could get discounted doughnuts at Dunkin’ Donuts. Police say it was easy to spot the imposter by the glazed look on his face. But there’s no point in sugar-coating this, this guy is going to jail and they’ll likely throw him right in the hole.