Scientists Identify Earth's Oldest Known Animal Fossils

Scientists Identify Earth's Oldest Known Animal Fossils:  Scientists have used fat molecules to solve a longstanding mystery and identify an ancient creature who lived 558 million years ago called Dickinsonia, thought to be the first complex “multi-cellular” organisms on Earth.  Gee, multi-cellular organisms?  I had no idea they even had cell phones back then, let alone organisms that could afford more than one phone.  I can’t even imagine what their calling plan would look like.  Knowing how they lived back then, I’ll bet they were constantly saddled with roaming charges.

Six Siblings of a Republican Congressman Endorse His Opponent:  Citing the congressman’s increasingly extremist views on immigration, health care, birther conspiracy theories and white supremacy - six brothers and sisters of Arizona Republican congressman Paul Gosar are appearing in ads, pleading with Arizona citizens to consider voting for his Democratic opponent.  Sadly, I think a Paul Gosar is about the best representation you can expect from people who’ve lived just downwind from 40 years of nuclear testing during the cold war.  Paul Gosar represents Arizona’s the rural 4th District - an area where severe aluminum foil shortages are a fact of life as well as numerous UFO sightings.  One thing’s for sure, the Gosar Thanksgiving dinner this November should be quite memorable! 

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Hitman Jesus

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