Scientists Close to Cloning a Woolly Mammoth

[Johnny Robish]

Scientists Close to Cloning a Woolly Mammoth:  Scientists say gene editing technology like CRISPR may soon open up a shortcut to resurrecting the woolly mammoth, but some argue doing so could be both risky and unethical.  

My feeling is why bother bringing them back, it isn’t like we really need the wool.  Hell, I was just over at Nordstrom last weekend and they seemed to have plenty of sweaters.  Call me old fashioned, but its a hell of a lot easier counting sheep than wooly mammoths.  Don’t try and pull the wool over my eyes.  And mark my words, bring back these damn mammoths and the next thing you know, you’ll have all the mammoths and elephants body-shaming each other.   

Meanwhile, others argue if we start bringing back things like woolly mammoths, can cave men be far behind?  Not a great idea.  Has anyone thought this through?  First of all, do we even have enough caves to accommodate them?  

What are we supposed to do, put them up in town houses until we can find enough vacant caves?  You’re not gonna find those listed on Craig’s List my friend!  Good grief, let them occupy all the caves and before long you’ll price all the mountain lions out of the market.

 And it isn’t like these guys will be able to just head over to Sears for all their stone tool needs.  That means we’ll probably need to offer toolmaking classes at our community colleges.  And who’s supposed to pay for all those painting supplies they use to decorate their caves?  Taxpayers?  If we spend all our money on cave art, how we gonna pay for Trump’s wall?  Oh wait, I forgot - Mexico.

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[J.P. Hart]

What? Wooly-Bully Hattie told Mattie again climbs to the top of the Playbill Charts? Now, right when my man cave only needs that neon palm tree from Margaretville ?  Besides, aren't most metro bridges too low, aren't the expressways already too crowded? What happens at those four-way intersections?  And what about all that you-know=what in the petting zoos?  Those brims on the pith helmets are only so wide, you know.  On the other hand maybe the mastodon herd could roam the polar caps, its huge shadows and coarse residual hair repacking the ice --- giving the shivering penguins something to squawk about, a time of dance with happy feet!  Waiter, what's this mammoth hair doing in my Glacier Water?

[Johnny Robish]

Its a complicated world!