Some of you gals may recall a time when virginity was a virtue to be guarded. A time when fighting off your date on a Saturday night was a laborious process to be rewarded at some point someday in the future when your beloved dad walked you in white down the aisle. You fought this battle week after week in the front seat of many a car. (Some of you had this struggle at the local Drive-In. If your fathers had known about that, well, one can only imagine. My dad had a rule, " NO DRIVE-INS!" and, yes, on these matters he spoke all in CAPS. Those, and my pop was one, were some maniac dads! Although, truth be told, not a single beheading was recorded in those benighted times.)
That was long ago. But, in the interest of "gender solidarity" for just the one or two ( three may be too many) of you younger gals still fighting the good fight and trying to maintain " the wee sweet ideal" as my Irish ( Scots?) Great- Gran would have put it, a few tips from your Middle-Eastern sisters, for whom virginity is quite literally a life or death matter, on SAVING YOUR VIRGINITY, MIDDLE EASTERN STYLE.
In many a Range Rover, on a Thursday night, after the latest blockbuster snuff film from ISIS and a stop for lemonade and kebobs, the words that work for SAVING YOUR VIRGINITY!
1) Look, if I show you my hair tonight, we just know you'll wanna see the tips of my ears next week. And after that, you'll want to see the lobes. You and I both know, once we go to the lobes, we will never be able to stop.
2) I like to think you would not even ask this of me if you knew what a friggin hassle it is to get these robes back on again.
3) What do you mean that my "sweet kiss and the memory of our night of passion" will be something for you to carry into battle? You told me yesterday you'd bought a ticket to France in order to try skiing in the French Alps!
4) Well then why did you even bother to kidnap those schoolgirls to use as sex slaves?
5) No my family are not "closet Hindus!" I am insulted you even implied that! The expression, "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" is something my mom heard on TV! Now put away that dagger!
6) I know you don't know much about my family history, but all three of my sisters, as well as every female in my extended family, has died in honor killings. I simply refuse to put my family through that again. My brothers and father are totally exhausted. Geez, the clean-up alone takes days.
7) Well, you may forget that I did have a semester of English. I read that trash you posted on- line about loving Death! I don't know who this Death wench is, but when I find her, I'll scratch her eyes out!
8) Okay, if you want me to be honest, it is because I think you have never bothered to read that little posting on the mirror in the restroom that says, "In accordance with Libyan Legal Code 4.0, all workers are required to thoroughly wash their hands after beheading infidels." I mean, under your fingernails, Ali, totally gross!
9) Yes, I still am! And not that it is any of your business, but I am saving myself for Paradise.
10) Sure, if your intentions were pure you would blow yourself up for me, but I don't believe a word you say anymor...
What's that ticking sound?
(Posted previously on Open Salon)