Trying to find myself  today after spending most of yesterday in tears. I ended up at the first time in many years at a family outing by myself. Just me, no children, no grandchild, no husband, and I was as much a fish out of water as I ever thought I would be.

My oldest daughter seemed more than uncomfortable when I tried to talk to her and who can blame her after all the years of the second family taking front row she probably thought too little too late and I don't blame her. She had her life planned already when I took on the new family, but still I was so busy with two jobs and she was, by then, 18 and I bring in a 3,4 and 7 year old. I really hold no grudge against her for being mad at me.

I left early to go and sit by my son's grave and talk to him and mom and Toddy and just sat and cried. Trying to find reason for life, trying to figure out what was wrong with me, trying to explain to them I was just a little worried about myself and my next move.

My sister and I have talked about bringing Hospice in to help take care of the husband but now that he is taking his pills right he is not so out of it, so ready to fall and I don't know if they will come. But he is still demanding so they might, I will be giving them a call Tuesday...

I won't be able to call Monday because I need to go back to Fresno tomorrow, the town where my son died to take, must have, classes. Not once but 3 more times before all the classes are through. I never wanted to see Fresno again, drive that road I sped down so many times, then one last time crying all the way home. I don't want to go back...

Maybe that is my real problem, I don't want to drive that road again, I don't want to remember the worried drives, the unknowing of what I would find on arrival, my fear growing with every mile.

But it's my job, it's all these new crazy government rules, it's my fear that this time they will really find out I don't have a clue what I am doing, that I have been faking it for 20 plus years and I realize how silly that sounds when said out loud.

I am overwhelmed, over worked, and just plain sad....I miss singing but don't seem to have the voice anymore, and find loud music bothers me.

I think I am suffering from grief for my son and grief for my soon to be empty nest and grief that the husband lies dying on my couch.

When does it all become too much?

This is what I listen to over and over on my Ipod, in my truck, driving down the road....It makes me sad yet gives me hope all at the same time.

Views: 55

Comment by Katie Badger on August 27, 2012 at 6:17pm

Our situation are so different but I can relate to your feelings just the same. Get it out. Cry when you need to. Sometimes you have you relive the pain to heal. 

Comment by Katie Badger on August 27, 2012 at 6:18pm

And I love the entire soundtrack of the Last of the Mohicans. Moves me for some reason .

Comment by Jenny on August 27, 2012 at 7:21pm

I pray that peace finds you soon

Comment by Scylla the Rock on August 28, 2012 at 2:26pm

I have to words for your sorrow.  Many prayers of peace and strength.

Comment by Scylla the Rock on August 28, 2012 at 6:28pm

Sorry about that I meant "no words".  Forgive me please.


You need to be a member of Our Salon to add comments!

Join Our Salon


10 More Great TV Series

Posted by John Manchester on April 23, 2019 at 10:08am 0 Comments

Notes From Earth Day

Posted by Robert B. James on April 23, 2019 at 7:36am 2 Comments

Earth Day

Posted by Anna Herrington on April 22, 2019 at 10:30am 8 Comments

The Big One

Posted by Robert B. James on April 22, 2019 at 7:26am 0 Comments

Vũng Tàu

Posted by Rodney Roe on April 22, 2019 at 6:53am 12 Comments

© 2019   Created by lorianne.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Privacy Policy  |  Terms of Service