Trying to find myself today after spending most of yesterday in tears. I ended up at the first time in many years at a family outing by myself. Just me, no children, no grandchild, no husband, and I was as much a fish out of water as I ever thought I would be.
My oldest daughter seemed more than uncomfortable when I tried to talk to her and who can blame her after all the years of the second family taking front row she probably thought too little too late and I don't blame her. She had her life planned already when I took on the new family, but still I was so busy with two jobs and she was, by then, 18 and I bring in a 3,4 and 7 year old. I really hold no grudge against her for being mad at me.
I left early to go and sit by my son's grave and talk to him and mom and Toddy and just sat and cried. Trying to find reason for life, trying to figure out what was wrong with me, trying to explain to them I was just a little worried about myself and my next move.
My sister and I have talked about bringing Hospice in to help take care of the husband but now that he is taking his pills right he is not so out of it, so ready to fall and I don't know if they will come. But he is still demanding so they might, I will be giving them a call Tuesday...
I won't be able to call Monday because I need to go back to Fresno tomorrow, the town where my son died to take, must have, classes. Not once but 3 more times before all the classes are through. I never wanted to see Fresno again, drive that road I sped down so many times, then one last time crying all the way home. I don't want to go back...
Maybe that is my real problem, I don't want to drive that road again, I don't want to remember the worried drives, the unknowing of what I would find on arrival, my fear growing with every mile.
But it's my job, it's all these new crazy government rules, it's my fear that this time they will really find out I don't have a clue what I am doing, that I have been faking it for 20 plus years and I realize how silly that sounds when said out loud.
I am overwhelmed, over worked, and just plain sad....I miss singing but don't seem to have the voice anymore, and find loud music bothers me.
I think I am suffering from grief for my son and grief for my soon to be empty nest and grief that the husband lies dying on my couch.
When does it all become too much?
This is what I listen to over and over on my Ipod, in my truck, driving down the road....It makes me sad yet gives me hope all at the same time.