“You may see me struggle but you will never see me quit”. It was a post on Facebook. It fit me to the T's. I have struggled a lot over many different things and there have been times when I thought it was over but I never gave into that moment of fear. I never quit.
This last time I never quit but I also learned when to give in to the sources of power and knowledge. The new power is the consciousness that is a part of us all and this allows us to understand that there are many different realities and this is what builds knowledge. Out of power and knowledge and the understanding of consciousness, the connection to the all as one, this is when we find peace and through peace generate love.
It's a waiting game. Has been for a couple days now. Waiting for Nathan and his boys to show up. They generally show up with goodies but it's nice if they show up empty handed too. It's just such a nice thing to see my family here in Lima. Being in here when they visit reminds me of all the things we used to do together. I was a significant part of their lives and I guess I still am. Just under different circumstances.
Mom gets confused and thinks she is waiting for the bus every morning, or she doesn't get that the bed she is sitting on is her bed and that is where she will be sleeping tonight in her room.
I sometimes wonder if being in that world that she creates isn't a better world than the reality that is so clear. I know I don't have a job anymore. I know that I don't have anywhere to be tomorrow. I know that I am one hospital visit away from this being where I spend the rest of my life. My hell is knowing every single second of every single day where I am.
I had to go back to my room to get the money for the vending machine and in the time it took me to wheel to my room and get the pop for mom there she was shuffling down the hallway, no walker, no wheelchair and no oxygen. I was taking too long so she went looking for me. When I got up to her I said in a loving kind of stern way, “You know better than to be out here without your chair and where is your oxygen?”
I felt foolish. I was the parent now. She does this and ends up falling and I just don't want her to fall anymore.
And so a new year begins... 2016... Seems like such a large number, a distant figure. My brother is amazed that I made it past fifty and he is overwhelmed that I am still kicking into my sixties. I was pissed off at him when he made fun of me in my fifties. Now in my sixties and what I've been through I'll sometimes think... But no!l I'm not going anywhere. My mother is eighty years old. I plan on living longer than she is and she is still going strong.
I was about to wheel into the cafeteria when I hear a hello from the administrator here. I thought, “oh shit what did I do wrong?” He didn't beat around the bush. He let me know that he found my blog and he was very kind about it. Told me how I could come to his office and shoot the shit whenever I needed to. Told me he noticed how the blog changed when my mother got there and I thought, “he read more than just the recent bog”, but it also opened me up to the truth that yes the blog had changed and I did dedicate a lot of it to my mother and what it was like being here with her and also feeling quite ok with her being the center of attention. She deserved it. She had been through five times as much confusion and pain than I had. There were three more brothers and a crazy husband on top of me.
It opened me up to just how closed I am. I have spent a lifetime being punished for what I said and what I believed and here was a man and organization that said, “we've been there, talk about, we'll, laugh a little cry a little, it's all OK”. I wasn't used to that. I was so ready to let go and to put my trust in something other than my silence.
The truth was evident to me at this very moment in time. I had spent two years in Columbus in facilities that were abusive and I didn”t have any way of getting that communicated because of past experiences with me. Here I was surrounded being cared for by gentle caring people who were just as dysfunctional as their patients were and it created a family experience that I was not used to and on top of that I was here with my mother and we were creating a relationship that we had never been allowed to when dad was around. Dad took a lot of attention so the four boys had to figure out how to get by on their own merits and that was fine by me I had had enough abuse. I was tired of being beat on over my beliefs.
Now I was around people that understood that. A group of small town people who were confronted with big town problems and yet they stayed local in their belief systems.
It was also fundamentally clear that it was time for me to trust the process from my therapist to the admin to the nurses and aids, to that very process.
Man it had been a long time since I had let myself trusts what was going on.
This included mom when it came to trust. Mom was vulnerable now and she had never been vulnerable when dad was around. She wasn't allowed when dad was around. If she turned on me this time it would be devastating. I was willing to take that risk though.
See it was about life and death and how much time was left and how no one knew for sure. It all came down to time. The time left, the time spent, the time that was gone and the time remaining. It was about a forty something woman who showed interest even if it was in the art and the artist. It was about not making the same mistakes as were made in the past. It was about the twenty something hippie love child that made me feel so young and so right. God it was about growing old and having death get comfortable right next to me. Death right there all snug and comfy sipping champagne glasses of my blood.
It was about being comfortable with the devil. The poor schmuck just got bad break. Hell he used to be God's right hand man. now he had the worst job imaginable.
It has been three years on the dialysis machine. The god chamber that was right next to me that took my blood and cleaned it and eventually returned it taking what it needed to keep. Three years. Yea I had a lot I needed to talk about. Everything was changing. I was changing.
Mom got hateful again today because I wouldn't play along with her delusions of going home. There just isn't a home to go to. These moments only lasted minutes and then she would be ok.