prostate problems pissing on my personal parade

Some days I can piss mad torrents, the sheer force of my urine stream splashing toilet water and turgid pee out of the bowl and beyond. Other days my malevolent diseased prostate gland swells to the size of a nerf football, taking up space normally occupied by my bladder, which as a result of the consequential over-crowding can hold less piss than a dollhouse tea-cup. There is nothing more frustrating and less manly than running to the bathroom every thirty minutes and having to sit down to squirt, while the small bit of piss that there is takes just less than forever to weakly dribble and drip, barely disturbing the placid stillness of the bowl water. The toilet, if it were alive, would chuckle under it's breath at my miserable weak attempts at urination, or possibly, laugh aloud and smirk.

This reminds me; once upon a time in that brief teen period after I quit smoking cigarettes but before hardcore marijuana usage became habit, I decided one fall day when out hiking in the nearby country to piss on an electric fence, to see what would happen, if anything. When my fine strong urine stream crossed the hot-wire I discovered that pee does in fact conduct electricity and quite efficiently at that. So well that my then tiny and tame prostate did a cute little mini-back-flip, as my mouth screamed and eyes bugged.

I always had large eyes, even after my skull grew to full size, but when the rest of me was still very small, my eyes, and come to think of it, my ears too, were already adult proportioned. I looked like a midget elephant alien. Alien like ET, not like a person from eh, Canada---ET-like eyes . . . with elephant ears doontchaknoo. The old people of my family were used to my freakish appearance and took little notice, even to the point of saying "what a handsome little fella" --with roll of eyes and pat on head. Strangers however, like parents of my little friends, and early teachers, would do double-takes and laugh aloud at first, then cover their mouths with one hand and turn away for politeness sake.

Eventually my head and body grew to catch up with eyes and ears, but just thinking in retrospect; luckily a small child doesn't give much of a flip about their appearance, be it fabulous, or preposterous. Don't care about our friends' goofy toothless smiles or constant confounding drools, alien eyes or Dumbo ears.

We judgeth not at that age. It is told that Jesus once said "be as a child" or something like that. If that's true I'm guessing he meant the non-judging part as opposed to the looking like little freaks part. Sigh . . .

But man could I ever urinate back in those golden days. Wondering if it was that fateful piss on the low voltage wire that has now reduced my flow of pee to that of a flea?

Views: 434

Comment by Anna Herrington on March 5, 2013 at 11:15am

Sorry to read of your urination issues, I really am, but I am a little pissed by one of your dribbled verbal deliveries and in my comment stream I'd like to forcefully ejaculate...no...that's not it...powerfully spew...nah, that's not it either.....sputter my two cents worth?

Standing or sitting does not make the man.

I mean, really.   : )

Hope you feel better soon!

Saw palmetto? Do you know about, have you tried, this remedy?

Comment by Zanelle on March 5, 2013 at 11:18am

Peeing like a flea.   Ahhhh.   I truly am sorry but women have so many dam things wrong with them I welcome men into the human crowd.  These bodies were designed with some flaws.  What do the doctors say?

Comment by koshersalaami on March 5, 2013 at 11:20am

1. Sorry about your difficulties. Hope you find whatever it takes to improve.

2. Is moving from puking to pissing an upgrade or a downgrade?

Comment by tr ig on March 5, 2013 at 11:25am

OPEN CALL

PISS ISSUES!

As some kind of odd penance, ironically, off now to help my mom gut and repair her bathroom.

Later folks and thanks for pissing by-- I mean passing. JT......... HAHAHAHA

Comment by tr ig on March 5, 2013 at 11:44am

Con Chapman says zinc.. although I actually have heard of the saw palmetto thing.

Comment by Joan H on March 5, 2013 at 11:51am
Thank heavens this is one I can't participate in. :)
Comment by Anna Herrington on March 5, 2013 at 11:57am

http://www.usrf.org/cr-09-00.html

A Consumer Reports article that is objective, on saw palmetto, etc.

It's worked well for men I know...as article says, it's important to buy good quality, standardized extract:  320 milligrams...Rainbow Light, NOW, Yarrow, all companies I've used for herbal medicines...if zinc's worked well too, then good advice there, too. Both much less expensive than pharmaceuticals, not side effects either, for saw palmetto -- rather benign substance. Not always true for herbs, but it is for this one. It takes 1-2 months of regular use to kick in...but again, no side effects, like ED that some pills for this cause...

Comment by Oryoki Bowl on March 5, 2013 at 12:14pm

Some problems are mere pissants, while others are clearly anteaters.. 

There is probably a remedy for that, but first you must submit to the glove.  

Comment by chuck a stetson on March 5, 2013 at 1:26pm

Joe Theismann can't pass the nerf football like he used to... hike.

Comment by Arthur James on March 5, 2013 at 3:48pm

`

I guess we Humans all have ordeals.

This can't be called ` a Woman Issue.

chuck a stetson brag he vigor robust.

He Boast He Virile as sixteen young.

He desrves a free pedicure by who?

`

Oryoki Bowl, Just Thinking. Joan H.,

Con Chapman, Kosh al` de' Salami,

and

editor at Open Salon or Other Salon.

evening anchor news reports, smiles,

and wishes males healthy prostrates.

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