Preserving My Rights

[Amy Abbott]

I accidentally ate a pickle. My family and close friends know that I never will eat a pickle on purpose. Ever.

At the “have it your way” place, I ordered my burger with ketchup, mustard, onion, lettuce and tomato.

I punctuated my order with “absolutely no pickle.”

She must have heard “add more pickle.”

Arriving home, I opened my burger and took a big bite. ]

Ugh.

There—between the two buns, was a scrawny burger, ketchup, mustard, onion, lettuce, tomato, and six pickles.

Six. I counted the heinous, evil, slimy pieces.

I am scowling, thinking about the taste and texture of the sickening poison wafer.

I brushed my teeth four times.

Pickles are cucumbers gone bad.

I cannot say enough bad things about pickles. However, I will try.

They are disgusting, slippery, spiteful little sticks of green that try to ruin my life.

One local restaurant serves all its sandwiches with a pickle attached to an American flag toothpick. Attaching a pickle to the symbol of our democracy is akin to defacing our flag, in my opinion. I quickly give these pickles—American flag and all—to my husband who relishes them.

Pickle transfer happens quickly—I do not know what will happen to me if pickle juice touched my sandwich. Quick death, perhaps?

Let us consider the wonderful cucumber, freshly picked from an Indiana garden. The Latin name is Cucumis sativus, which roughly translated means, not fit to cure or can.

Does anything taste as good on a salad or sandwich as a fresh slice of cucumber? That is, of course, rhetorical. I give you that a Hoosier Big Boy tomato may be just as good.

Our neighbors shared their bounty of cucumbers with us last  summer. We have had the wonderful Indiana tradition of “fire and ice” several times. I’ve made cucumber salad with Italian dressing, and we’ve added thin cucumber slices to wonderful quarter-pound burgers from our grill.

Sometimes cucumbers are led astray, into a sour and bitter world for which there is no escape. They lose their fresh appeal, and fall into the brine.

For this, there is no cure.

My predicament with pickles began as a child. In the 1960s television situation comedy “The Andy Griffith Show.” Aunt Bea canned homemade pickles for Andy and Barney.

In order to preserve her feelings, Andy and Barney praised her “kerosene cucumbers.” Aunt Bea entered her canned pickles in the county fair and loses for the umpteenth time to her rival Clara Edwards (nee Johnson for you Andy Griffith purists.)

It just was not kosher. 

[David McClain]

I share your hate of the pickle and I've hated them my whole life. Of course I think of the cucumber is no better....hate them both...in any and every form. The pickle is just a cucumber showing its true colors.

[L in the Southeast]

I am astounded...gobsmacked, I say... that anyone could dislike dill pickles!  I love dill pickles and detest sweet ones.  As a kid we used to stop at the deli on the way home from school, select the biggest kosher dill from the brine jar and stab it with a peppermint stick, which served (after a few minutes of sucking ones brains out) as a straw.   Cucumbers, however, are Satan's produce.  If I eat just one slice, the taste of raw cucumber repeats in my mouth for a week afterward. 

[Steve S]

You need one of these.

[Joan H]

Well then what do you eat with a corned beef on rye????????

[Mimetalker]

I am with you, but I'm the only one in my family. I have to buy jars of the nasty things for my granddaughter. By the way... did you intentionally pun?

 "I quickly give these pickles—American flag and all—to my husband who relishes them."

Or are you like me, who does it accidently and doesn't understand why everyone is laughing and groaning.

[Arthur James]

` 

I have Preserved cucumbers,

carrots, beets, and always`

`

burps . . .

`

Pickles never agree with me either.

If I eat green-pickles I moan. Talk.

I get feverish=pickle's ` nightmares.

`If You have Rye Bread? Eat ` Tofu.

`

Fry ` soybean `Tofu with green` kale.

Add cinnamon `Aromatic Spice` to kale.

On January 1st ` we Gather for` Kale.

[Librarienne]

Mmmmm, pickles.  Kosher garlic dills especially.

[Alysa Salzberg]

You're lucky that your relationship with pickles is clear and uncomplicated. Some days, I feel like you, and other days I can't get enough of them! One thing pickle-wise that's a constant for me, though: "Pickles" is a great name for a pet. It always makes me smile. Sorry about your pickle encounter!

[Harp]

Too bad you don't have a real strong opinion about this.      

Actually I am with you... I don't like'em either, although I do like sweet pickles.    Dill pickles do not belong on my sandwiches... but I don't need to brush my teeth afterward (giggles) ... I simply poke em out and give them to my wife.   

[Jonathan Wolfman]

they are evil, yes