Scanner & Sexy Sadie

I was supposed to have surgery this Thursday, but after a chest x-ray and a CT scan, it was canceled. You can probably guess why. Yep, it's time for the ScanMan to 'bite the dust. After going to my cancer doctor at the cancer center Friday, I was given the bad news. I think I took it pretty well. There were a few tears, but believe me when you hear you are going to die and there's not much that can be done, a few tears are appropriate I think. I believe I held up pretty well and so did Terri, better than I expected.

I've given this some thought. I've been in serious pain for over 15 years and to say I'm not tired of taking these goddamn pain pills everyday just for them to wear off so I can take some more is an understatement. I don't want to die, I'd really have to be an idiot to wish for that, but I am just so damn tired. 

I hate this damn device I need to talk with, and now that I'm coughing-up blood every morning, it just keeps getting worse and worse. I don't know how long I have to live. We're going to try some chemo, which I really don't want to do, but I'm a fighter and always have been. I'm not going to lay down for this shit. I'm dying with my flip-flops on, as any hardcore card-carrying Hippy would do. Man, I do miss the late sixties and seventies. 

So, I'm telling you about it because I have months to live, regardless, and I'm not through writing yet. I have a book of short stories I'm going to publish and I'm 43,000 words into my second novel. This book will be as twice as long as the first and I hope it will be funny and adventurous. I hope. I also hope I can finish it.

Please. Please, don't pity me. I have lived one helluva life, and have done more things in 61 years than most people have done in a hundred. I've been places and seen things that most people have never seen and have done things, both legal and illegal, sane and stupid, safe and very dangerous that should have killed me years ago anyway. I do not regret one thing I have ever done and believe me, I've done some stupid shit in my day.

So, that is my story. I will keep up with you all, or anyone who cares, as much as possible without getting too carried away. I'd hate to go out boring everyone. So until next time, here's a few death jokes to show you I will not lose my sense of humor, no matter how sick I get. Do me a favor, and don't lose yours either. I want to go out grinning and laughing and when Dr. Death comes to the door to get me, I may hide under the bed. Peace and Love my Friends~~~

                                         

                                                   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."

"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"

God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."

Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."

God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."

Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.

The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What was the name of the hair salon next to the graveyard?
A: Curl Up and Dye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.


She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.


As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."


Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Fred and DooDah go to their favorite lake to fish. After getting out on the water, DooDah hooks a huge fish, which pulls him overboard, and he drowns.


Fred is brokenhearted and goes to tell DooDah's wife the news. She opens the door and hears Fred say, "Guess who drowned in the lake today? DooDah! DooDah!"

               Ouch~~

Views: 1732

Comment by Phyllis on June 13, 2015 at 3:16pm
I'm not much with jokes so I don't have one to share. Let me know when those books come out and I'll get them in the library, too. :-)
Comment by Kenneth Sibbett on June 13, 2015 at 3:39pm

Thanks Phyllis, I'll do that~~

mac, I love that song and have the album. I saw him preform last on Letterman and he sang that song, teared me up big-time~

Comment by Jonathan Wolfman on June 13, 2015 at 3:45pm

You are one of a kind, Kenny. So, clearly, is Terri. You enlighten, entertain, and you teach, No more can we ever want of a friend. 

Comment by JMac1949 Today on June 13, 2015 at 3:56pm

God damn it Scan Man... there's no way this does not totally suck.  Please do us a favor and start posting the first draft of your novel. That way we can read along as you go.  Only the good die young... you got some solid company there: Towns van Zandt, he went out early and here's another fine song from Warren Zevon... the last song he ever recorded:

Comment by alsoknownas on June 13, 2015 at 4:16pm

Kenny,

Great to have "known" you. I hope you enjoyed some of the guitar tips I passed on to you in PM's.

Here you go friend...This is completely tasteless :

Mrs. McGillicuddy is setting there with her doctor and he is sobbing. He’s been her doctor for decades. He was there when her children were born and then when their children were born. But today he has sad news and must tell her.

 

“Mrs. McGillicuddy, I have terrible news to tell you.” He sobbed. “ I’ve known you forever and now I must tell you  how sorry I am that I ever said you should come to this old folk’s home. I should have let you stay at home. I ‘m so sorry. But we have completed all your tests and the final results on both of your situations. It is here that you came into contact with the virus that is going to take your life.”

 

Mrs. McGillicuddy sat there, speechless her jaw hanging open.

 

He went on. “ You contracted the virus and will die an agonizing death for which there is no cure or relief. It will rip you apart in pain, destroying your insides. It will cause you to go blind and be unable to see your loved ones. You’ll go deaf and be unable to hear their last praises of love. It will make your last days here on earth unbearable. “

 

He continued to sob  and then said ”But my dear Mrs. McGillicuddy there’s more.” She continued to stare at him in seeming disbelief as he wailed “You also have an extreme and advanced case of Alzheimer’s”.

 

At this she jumped up and said “ For Gosh sakes Doctor!! Get a grip on yourself. Lots of people my age have trouble with their memory.”

Comment by Lois Wickstrom on June 13, 2015 at 4:21pm

I couldn't resist passing this one along:

Hillary Clinton goes to a psychic who tells her: "Prepare yourself for widowhood ... Your husband is about to die a violent death."

Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and replies: "Will I be acquitted?"

Comment by Schmoopie on June 13, 2015 at 4:26pm

Love you, Kenny.  Because you and I "met" through my musical posts, all I have to offer you is this, since you are a fighter. https://aboveandbeyondcancer.org/10-best-cancer-fighting-songs-ever/

Comment by Lunchlady on June 13, 2015 at 4:40pm

No snappy come back from me, I tried, I really did but you have become my friend and I don't want a very good friend to suffer and by the Gods, when and if, I will find a way to put roses on your grave....

Comment by L in the Southeast on June 13, 2015 at 4:44pm

I can barely breathe over here.  I am so grateful to you for not keeping us in the dark, allowing us to get ready.  I wouldn't think any less of you if you decided to skip the chemo because I know how tired you must be.  I hope you and Terri will throw caution to the wind and do all the things on your bucket lists these next few months.

Comment by James Mark Emmerling on June 13, 2015 at 5:03pm

What's the difference between a friend and a real friend?
A friend will help you move. A real friend will help you move a body!

I like to think of myself as a real friend to you, knowing you so well

and so little , in fact going through most of my days without a thought of you,

actually I thought you died awhile back but that must have been someone else I barely know...

as a real friend

I will help you move yr body before the goddamn funeral industry gets a piece of you...

call me.

but give me a week's notice.

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