Sleepless night again. Four o'clock in the morning. Thinking about death now that mom and dad are both in the cedar chest. I have experienced death, near death, dead... Of course I came back.
I miss them, their human form, their humanness. It seems tragically stupid to live this life just to die with no explanation.
I lose time on a mythic level now. What feels like a couple days is really a couple weeks.
Wyeth gave me a hug today. It was beautiful in showing the transition and change people go through. My daughter and I just began hugging each other.
I still get angry at mom and dad, probably more now, because of finding those areas that were directly affected by their behavior and how it played out on us boys. Now the four boys just aren't there anymore. Hell, one lives in Minnesota somewhere now.
Each moment is an eternal dance of making each moment count.
Doc is one of those old men that I can just hate. He disgusts me. Every single day they yell at his slumped body propped up in his wheelchair next to his roommate Fred, "Come on doc it's time for breakfast, lunch or dinner according to what time it is. Doc always replies the same, "time for breakfast." He's right one out of three
Times. It's always morning to Doc.
Doc sits every morning at the nurse's mobile med cart for an hour or longer making animal growlrrrrrrrr hmnnngrrrr sounds. It just crawls up my spine.
Doc is the Travelocity yard Nome dressed in his OSU hat every day with his snow-white hair poking out and his white beard going in all directions. The aides pull a t-shirt down over his enormous hard belly. One arm is always rapped like moms nome and Doc is missing one leg which are covered by lounge pants which also cover his gargantuan groin which also resembles moms Nome that I kept running over it when mowing the yard..
The day progresses along as not planned, Dertn still trying her best to escape, Ella still dying and all of us progressing past her door in the room she shares with Sara, stroke victim that happened at a young age which left her with an undisguisable language, just bababababa.
And so we joyously continue