Tomorrow is May 1, the day that was going to be the start of my retirement from the workaday grind and have me learning how to support myself through gardening and creative works. It’s nice to have dreams, because even if they don’t work out you still had them. That’s a paraphrase from the movie Mrs. Parkington, I saw it yesterday for the first time. I do love old movies. This one was pretty progressive, with the women being treated like equals and the men being willing to change. I have to admit that, in recent years, I’ve given up on dreaming. I have been calling them failed plans, things that I want to do and can’t. Mrs. Parkington is a good example of what can happen if you dream, for all that she’s a fictional character.
I divorced my boss this past week, she’s done a lot for me over the years but it’s gone downhill for quite a while now. The kicker was this week when she got overly dramatic about me leaving early on Fridays this summer. I had been doing it every week a while ago because of counseling, and it’s just easier to have a steady schedule. I was scheduling all of my personal stuff during those Friday afternoons when I didn’t have counseling, also, and life was going swimmingly. The she decided that my being off was too inconvenient for her so I had to go back to staying all day except when I had counseling. Needless to say, my life went to crap and I used up all of my sick time. Then there was the recent Spring Break debacle where she got into a fight with our mail delivery guy and refused to turn in work orders, and finally the drama when I asked to have the time off again. The next day, I went into work and found out she had printed off 100s of pages for personal use the night before and I packaged it all up and went to talk to the department head. (He is my boss now, and everything is squared away with who is going to cover for me when I’m gone. I also found out more stuff about my boss that is going to tilt things a bit, but I’ll cover all of that after it goes public.) After the change, I cleaned my office and had my most productive week in years, including her personal attack Friday afternoon. She felt that I had stabbed her in the back for reporting her non-payment for copies. Maybe I did because I’ve been letting her get away with it for over a year, but how do you tell your boss that she’s setting a bad example by not following the rules? She was also being unfair on the time off stuff; we have someone who gets to be off every Friday during the summer, someone else who leaves before 3:30 every day, and someone else who is leaving early on Fridays! I was the only one not allowed to flex my schedule to fit my needs.
Luckily the attack was interrupted just as she was getting started and I didn’t get a chance to engage with her. I am forewarned now, though, and will be ready for the next launch. I did a tarot reading for work today, too, and it's pretty intense. I need to find the courage to let out the hidden parts of myself, be aware of the need for a scapegoat and to show composure and dignity whether it's myself or someone else who fills the role, and to know when to let a situation go. "Whenever we reveal hidden inner dynamics, we fear that we will be seen as ugly, demanding or excessive, even monstrous. We are conditioned to mistrust passionate desires and basic instincts... To become a charismatic individual who can make a difference, however, we need to outgrow fearful inhibitions placed upon our personalities and self-expression." "There is no moral stain on those who find themselves in the position of the scapegoat. There is one, however, on those who judge themselves superior and immune to this fate. The ordeal will have been worth it if it brings the participants, including you, to a new point of view and release from the past." "Know when to cut your losses. Tap the good sense Nature gave you and let go of the situation, accepting that it cannot bear a lot of positive fruit right now. ... There may be no advantage in traveling this road any longer. Outrageous developments have effectively negated agreements or expectations. It's like the system has crashed and the progress you thought you had made is lost. The lesson in a case like this is to know when and how to detach yourself from a situation. Don't go down with the ship ... he or she who fights and runs away will live to fight another day." That last bit about lost progress makes me nervous.
I am approaching tomorrow as the new beginning it would have been if I had retired. I have a new boss, my outlook is becoming more positive, and the stars are aligning for great things this month. They will amplify whatever we project, so my goal is to amplify the positive. I can be on a whole new track by the end of the month if I play my cards right, including more duties at work. I did what everyone keeps telling me not to do, I told the department head that I am under utilized. He asked me what there was around the department that I could do, I told him that I would let him know. I quit looking a while back because it was hopeless. Hope is back now.
I’m still waiting to hear about the service dog, my medical records got lost in the mail. It turns out that the VA sends them general mail, no tracking, so someone out there now has all of my information. At least I know who to blame if my identity is stolen. I’m not too worried, though, because I locked my credit several years ago so at least that’s covered.
I can’t mow this weekend as we are having torrential rain, and my plans to go to Ross yesterday were foiled by a physical collapse into sleep after quelling a raging hunger for food, so today will be the Ross store followed by laundry. I hope all of you have a swell day, and an awesome month.
I just hope my change doesn't include a forced job change... Rereading this, I can see where it could go either way for me, especially since I've shared a lot with my former boss. She can make my life hell if she starts spreading her version of our talks around. I went to her for advice, she saw it as me tattling on people. That came out in the aborted attack. I hate feeling like this. I really wish I could support myself without interacting with other people. Oh, well, I've never been wise in my choices.