It must have rained the night before. I remember the scent of wet grass combined with the warmth of early June sunshine. I paced up and down the red brick sidewalk in front of my grandmother’s house on Collett Street, in deep meditation, before I even knew the meaning of meditation. It was early June, when we children would find our wings. When the whole summer was laid out in front of us, free from the shackles of classrooms and homework. I’m tempted to say I was excited at the prospect of my mother bringing a baby sister home from the hospital. Perhaps bewildered would be a better adjective. 

I vaguely remember my mother’s pregnancy. The guarded whispers about her being too old to be carrying a child. Since I had been the youngest of six, it occurs to me now that Chris is the only one of my siblings I have known from the day she was brought home from the hospital. When I think of my relationship with my baby sister, I am always drawn back to that red brick sidewalk in front of 610 Collett Street, as though it were specifically laid as the foundation for everything I am about to tell.

I was only 8 years old when Chris was born. But when I look at the photo of me holding her by her tiny little hands as her feet struggled to find balance, I can remember, all these decades later, the incredible feeling of responsibility that comes with teaching a child to walk. I knew intuitively, that once she mastered the art of walking, I would have to protect her from walking into the street. It was a combination of maternal and paternal instincts manifested in an 8 year old boy. Those first steps taken on the red brick sidewalk, with the help of her big brother, laid the foundation for a very close and honest relationship. 

The day I took possession of my first car, a light green 1965 Volkswagen Bug, I immediately drove to my mother’s house to pick up Christy Jo. With Chris in the passenger seat and my dog Cinnamon in the back seat, we began to explore the back roads of Vermilion County. She was always very mature for her age. When we recounted our adventures in later years, I was always shocked when she pointed out that she had been only 13 or 14 years old at the time. I had remembered us more as equals. 

Chris was the first family member to know I was Gay. I can still see that silly grin on her face when I told her. She thought I was the neatest brother in the whole wide world. Entrusting her with that knowledge sealed our closeness forever. She was young enough that she had not been infected by the prejudices society taught in those times. I am grateful to have had someone so close to accept me unconditionally.   

Chris was the one who came up with the idea that there are only two types of people in the world. Those who “know” and those who “don’t know.” In the beginning it referred to the fact that she knew I was Gay. But she later turned it into an expression to describe consciousness and awareness. She went on to study astrology and became a very good judge of character. later we began to refer to people as dancers, when we noticed particular traits in a person’s body language that revealed something hidden deeper inside. It was like noticing the rotation of a dancer’s leg from the hip socket, that causes turnout. There was so much packed into that simple expression of “he’s a dancer!” It was like a code, a language all our own.           

Chris came to live with me in Fort Lauderdale, Florida in 1975, when she turned 18. Gary Peterson and I moved from our small apartment to a larger house so Chris could move in with us. It didn’t last too long, but it gave us all a sense of family while it lasted. It was almost like we were playing house, like we did as children on the back porch of my grandmother’s house on rainy days.  

When Chris came to stay with Rob and I in Washington, DC, in 1981, she developed a deep bond with Robby. They were born one year apart, sharing many growing up experiences in common. She was an avid reader. She and Rob would quote passages from favorite books they shared. On the first day of meeting Rob, Chris pulled me aside. “He knows!” she said. “And he knows that I know that he knows!” She gave me a big grin and walked away. What she really meant was that she knew that he was the right one for me.

In all the decades Chris and I were apart, we were never apart. She always remained the one person I could tell my deepest thoughts and secrets. Throughout the writing of this story, I’ve had the urge to pick up the telephone to read what I’ve already written, to see what she thinks. Sometime after she was diagnosed with cancer, she asked me a question that breaks my heart as I hear it spoken now in my head. “Do you know that you are my hero?” she said to me. 

After witnessing her long courageous struggle with cancer, I have a question I long to ask my baby sister. “Do you know that you are my hero?”                          


JUNE 6, 1957 - DECEMBER 4, 2013

Views: 930

Comment by Arthur James on December 7, 2013 at 3:08am


I read this earlier. 

I had tears. Love.

Love causes tears.

Comment by Jonathan Wolfman on December 7, 2013 at 5:12am

She knows. 

Bless you both.

Comment by Rosigami on December 7, 2013 at 7:42am

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this. How wonderful that you had this beautiful relationship! 

Comment by JMac1949 Today on December 7, 2013 at 9:03am

Dear Lord, I knew that you were taking time away from blogging to deal with problems in your family , but had no idea that you were loosing someone so close to you.  Condolences and here's hoping we will read more soon. As Jon said, she knows and bless you both.

Comment by Myriad on December 7, 2013 at 10:14am

Tears.  She was beautiful, in all ways.  And this was a beautiful tribute. Condolences, for what that's worth.

Comment by Sheila Luecht on December 7, 2013 at 10:15am

This thing of beauty reflects her beauty and your own beauty in writing it. You are fortunate to have had such a sister.

Comment by Anne Armand on December 7, 2013 at 10:27am

Each time we lose someone close to us, a friend or family member, we are less. Our 'completeness' diminishes with their absence. Memories are powerful and tributes essential. Your Chris was very special. I send you my heart felt condolences on the loss of your dear sister.

Comment by alsoknownas on December 7, 2013 at 10:50am

Of course she knew Robert.

Be well with that.

Comment by koshersalaami on December 7, 2013 at 11:53am

God, what a loss. 
My condolences, for what they're worth, which isn't much. 

Make sure you spend some time with someone close to you in maybe three or four weeks. Maybe even in a month or three. Right now, while the death is fresh, you'll probably get a lot of support. When things are quieter and you're alone with your grief without the fuss, that's when things are more emotionally dangerous. 

Comment by koshersalaami on December 7, 2013 at 11:54am

Sorry, I commented on the loss but not on the writing. Excellent work.


You need to be a member of Our Salon to add comments!

Join Our Salon


Open Our Salon For Good

Posted by Robert B. James on June 25, 2019 at 6:52am 0 Comments

Hooking up on BS

Posted by Robert B. James on June 24, 2019 at 7:47am 9 Comments

Just a Little Too

Posted by Doc Vega on June 24, 2019 at 1:39am 0 Comments

Water View II

Posted by koshersalaami on June 23, 2019 at 3:00pm 11 Comments

The Merlin Of BindleSnitch

Posted by Robert B. James on June 23, 2019 at 7:07am 7 Comments

Old Soft Shoe (POEM)

Posted by J.P. Hart on June 22, 2019 at 1:00pm 4 Comments

I saw one Mountain Lion

Posted by Robert B. James on June 22, 2019 at 8:00am 3 Comments

© 2019   Created by lorianne.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Privacy Policy  |  Terms of Service