She finds herself at places before her marriage and her children or finds herself at places when her boys were still young enough to not be getting in real trouble like with drugs or getting caught with a woman who is pregnant.
I got drunk before I told my parents that my girlfriend was pregnant. My younger brother decided to get drunk and tell my mother and father that his girlfriend was pregnant. He decided to tell the this right after I had told them. He didn't plan this it just worked out that way. My mother was fine to hear that I was going to have a wife and child at the age of seventeen with a place to live with Maggie's mother. She was however not ok hearing an hour later that her sixteen year old second son was with a pregnant wife to be and really had nowhere to go. My mother spent the next three days in the basement smoking.
These are the times and period of times that my mother does not recall.
Probably just as well...
I finally get home from dialysis and wheel through the common area when I hear two of the nurses talking about my mother. Apparently she had been a problem this morning. I figured I might as well go and see how she was.
She was completely out of her mind. As soon as she saw me and I saw the look on her face it was obvious she didn't have a clue. She exclaimed, "How did you get here?" I ask where here was and she said London Hospital which I would guess the last time any of us including mom had to deal with London Hospital was when one of the kids were sick.
I became immediately upset with the situation. I tried to say to her as patently as possible that we were in Lima, Ohio and the place we were at was Lost Creek nursing home. She told me to get my head out the clouds and listen to her.
That for some reason just infuriated me and I started yelling that she was in Lima, Ohio at the nursing home Lost Creek. I finally threw my hands in the air and told her I was leaving. This obviously upset her terribly and she got teary eyed and told me that she didn't get upset when I told her she was wrong. I settled down and apologized for things that didn't even pertain to the current situation. I just wanted it all to be ok.
How do you deal with a situation where the reality that one person is thought of as not as real as the other and which one is real. My mother packed a bag and went to London Ohio for something, some reason. I logically knew that in the time that had passed when I met back up with her she hadn't gotten any farther than packing a bag.
My brother Nathan ask me the other day on text what was I doing and I said Well I'm having a nervous breakdown. He texted back to me, Well it's about time. I understood his response completely.
My next text was, "Mom was absolutely right, I drank all of the diet Pepsi"
My brother's response was, "That's 24 in 4 days. You gonna die."
I responded, "Mom drank her share but I drank more."
I participated in making crafts today. Made a rock boy standing on the bank throwing a rock into the water showing the ripples of the stream. It was a simplistic view and nobody got it which is the essence of my art. Nobody gets it. The activities director found an I-station of music and we glued shit to a whiteboard and sang to Patsy Cline and Roy Orbison. I felt like I had been transported to a different universe. We were in a gentle hell. It was hell but it was not completely a place of pain.
I had that feeling of being transported to another universe a lot lately. I wasn't sure which was real anymore. I wasn't sure of how I had spent my first sixty years of life anymore. I had fears that it was almost over this plane and I was about to be transported again.
As I write each chapter of the collection of stories for the blog book I try to make sure each one is five pages long or at least going onto five pages. Recently I figured out that it was ridiculous trying to fill space with words and instead let the flow of thought take up what space it needed and leave it at that. So be it...