As my mother grows older she has let her hair grow out and long for a couple
reasons; mostly because she can't get to the salon as much.
My mother will be eighty this summer.
My mother looks like me with her long white hair and no facial hair. It's her karma working. She always told me I was ugly.
Now this thinking gives way to two possibilities, my mother was just cruel or I am truly ugly. In any case mom is paying the price for her mean spirited ways.
I am very careful what I think and feel about others now. I can pinpoint my karma for every instance of learning the truth.
I have a picture of mom from the sixties where she is in a lawn chair and three of us four boys are standing around her in swimming trunks. The picture is perfect. We look like a family that would be used in an ad in a magazine.
Of course it was a mistake that the picture was so perfect and that sort of magical moment never happened again to my recollection.
My mother loves me and to this day loves me but we had a strange relationship. Mom and i were very close in our attitudes and this made her uncomfortable. I always said I was the daughter that mom wanted and never had. Not because I was gay but because I was so drawn to the feminine side of things. And maybe I am gay and just never perused that avenue. We have a very strange relationship and since dad died and me being holed up in hospitals and nursing rehabs for a solid year not seeing her for that year, only speaking to her on the phone, that has been fine.
Now my mothers relationship with my brother Paul who is a year younger than me, fourteen months actually has evolved into a good kinship. Paul lives right across the street and he makes sure mom is ok.
In the beginning it was a love hate relationship with mom and Paul. Paul was exactly like my father only as a child. What Paul brought to the surface is how demanding and how much work my dad was that is where the love comes in. My mom loved my dad even with his faults. My mother had moments of wanting to kill Paul. I watched her take a hair brush and chase him into the bathroom and beat him in the bathtub until we came in and stopped her. Paul got out and said something mean and she began beating him again.
One of mom's job with me was to protect me from dad and not let dad know that was what she was doing and there were those moments when she had to go along with dad's violence toward me but she always tried to make up for it afterwords.
My mother used to come into our bedroom at night. Paul and I shared a bedroom while Thad and Nathan shared another one. She would come into our rooms every single night and give us a hug and kiss.
One evening when I was a teenager she came in and I said I was too old for that and wouldn't let her.
My mother never hugged any of us boys or kissed any of us boys again. She may have with Nathan when she was old. I don't know. I need to ask him. I do know that for years I felt that I had done something terribly wrong which I did do as a teenager asshole thing but the shame and guilt I carried with me over that was profoundly and impossibly more than I needed to. I did know after that, even as a young man that I had to be very, very careful what I did with mom. Her emotions were fragile.
What I know about me now is that I was and can still be at times an arrogant, narcissistic asshole as my brother Nathan would say to me out of his love for me. Nathan and I have a beautiful relationship as brothers and best friends.
I have a relationship with my other two brothers but it is very different than Nathan and me. We are best friends and that is very special in brothers. Brothers sometimes just don’t' get long.
My father, well dad, who hated being called father, he would always say, “There is only one father”, indicating God, the father which was always such an ironic statement because for the most part my father was not a religious man, has been dead for more than two years now and his death still haunts all of us in the family.
The neighbors dogs never stop barking. I finally just start barking back a them through my open kitchen window.
I spend my days enjoying my freedom and waiting on Annie Cosmic to magically appear. Hell I would be happy to hang out with Aardvark Diggs right now.
I believe as I get older, that our lives here were meant for the lessons that we were to learn.
We were supposed to live simple lives that didn't focus so much on pleasures that could be achieved but instead to follow some form of spiritual path that would lead to consciousness and enlightenment.
I think we were to find that the animal kingdom and even the plants and such are living organisms also and need to have the same respect that we should have for humanity.
Of course the two primary things that we were to learn was that of peace and love. No violence, wars and hate. A calm peace is what really is the gift that we are to learn.
Now obviously we have our desires that we would like to call needs but fruits and vegetables grains and such do lead a person to a more peaceful life.
That free will thing always comes into play.
We are literally living the pages of the book nineteen eighty four. We are living other books written a ways back and I don't think we had a choice. Human nature that was able to create with their works the scenes of Clockwork Orange obviously were then able to see it happen before their eyes.
Our world is a creation of our imaginations.
If the one that started this dream ever wakes up. I wonder what will happen.
I miss my mom and I think about here a lot. My dear brother Jacob is getting ramps for his conversion van so that he can take my broken ass out to see her. I know she misses me in her very safe emotional way and I am ok with that. I want to see her for me more than her. With all of her faults she was a good mom in all of her very dry and co-dependent ways.
I finally got a glimpse through meditation where dad is and he is fine. It really looks quite pleasant. I am so relieved to know that now.
Through meditation I am finding the limitless control you have over your situations and your body. I can focus on the pain that I have and I can remove that pain with convergent meditation.
I can change the direction my life is going in by focusing through meditation.
It took a long time for me to get it right and once I got it right it became so unbelievably easy. You forgot all the books you read about position and all that. You can achieve deep meditation while sitting in a chair and getting quiet. Don't need all that weird stuff.
I was always so scattered and filled with a deranged chaos that when I was finally able to focus and slow down the thinking the world, the universe became something I could live in with peace and love. I find such peace. I immediately forgave everyone that ever harmed me and I forgave myself for my trespasses. Well at least most of them. I did find myself free of all of that negative thinking and I felt joyously free and happy to be alive. I could travel to the farthest depths of the universe and live such profound realities.
What constitutes genius such as Einstein, or Whitman is an understanding on a conscientiousness level that is sub-conscious. It's just achieving balance on a certain level of awareness and enlightenment. The Buddhas and gurus knew this, know this.
When we are finally able to meditate and achieve a place of balance and focus we find out the answers to the questions of the universe, our existence and what all of this means.
We begin to understand why we are here and for what purpose we are to follow.
We become consciousness. We become one. We are in the now. Right now this is beautiful life, a wondrous experience. A profound gift from the gods, the scientists, the grand gurus.
What I have also learned is that being alone is not a terrible ting. Instead it it a time when I am able to meditate and find peace within myself. Oh I guess I miss the companionship, the physical gifts from a relationship sometimes but those are human conditions that through a spiritual adventure you realize are not all that important.
Being at one with oneself and finding peace and a true unconditional love brings me closer to those who are my family and my friends. It is really a very nice thing and; I don't get into trouble as much.
My mother always said I did better when I was alone.
In an ironic way she was right. I think she knew she would have also done better if she would have had more time alone. I think that's why she is doing so well now. She has the time to be with just herself.
cool uber groovy cool