Millennials Blamed for Falling Sales of Canned Tuna: According to recent U.S. Department of Agriculture data, finicky millennial tastes may be one of the primary reasons why canned tuna sales have fallen so dramatically in recent years - with StarKist executive Andy Mecs complaining that “a lot of millennials don’t even own can openers.”
And while I can’t speak for the millennial’s distaste for canned tuna, I can report that my cat still seems to enjoy the delicacy. Now if I were “Big Tuna,” rather than target those canned tuna ads toward millennials, I’d address all future marketing toward their cats. Hell, when you consider all the money being spent on cat products every year, I think we can safely conclude that cats have more disposable income than millennials do anyway.
Of course, another solution to declining sales might be to start marketing the tuna as “gluten-free.” Do that and you’d instantly have every hipster from Maine to Seattle falling all over themselves to buy a can of the damn stuff.
Of course, you may say “but that still doesn’t address that pesky can opener issue.” Well, never fear - because Apple has come to the rescue - announcing their brand new, incredibly hip device called the “iOpener.” A device, which, if working properly - should make you think twice about the crap in those damn cans you’ll soon be shoving into your mouth. But, that said, this device is so hip and cool that even someone caught eating canned tuna will still be able to feel good about themselves. And I think that’s exactly what America should be all about.