There is a saying that time heals all wounds. When you've been depressed for a long time you tend to disbelieve pat little statements such as this because it doesn't seem to be a truism for you. And then one day you think about something that used to break your heart, and you realize that it no longer hurts. It took me by surprise when that happened this week, and I realized that it's part of the reason for the lightening of my spirit these days.

I realized this week that I am no longer mourning the children and the family that I didn't have. Mourning works! Who knew. A year or so ago I gave myself permission to mourn what I missed out on, I was such a wreck whenever I'd realize that I wasn't going to be the loving matriarch that I had always envisioned, that kids and grandkids and their friends and spouses weren't part of the plan this time; but I refused to let myself feel the feelings, I stuffed it down and told myself that I was indulging in self-pity and to face reality. I posted about it here a few times, and the last time the comments asked why not mourn? Why not accept that I was sad, that something I had counted on to be a part of my life wasn't going to happen; why not mourn the loss? So I did.

I won't say I cried because, as I said in a previous post, it's not something I do much of, but I let the sad course through me and I felt it. I felt the weakness in my body and the anguish in my heart and the loss of a dream that I didn't know was a dream. And then, one day when I wasn't looking, it quit hurting.

I still feel a bit poignant, I imagine even that may go away eventually, and I'm not used to not being sad when I think about it so I am feeling my way through this new feeling, but it is nice to not be so sad whenever I think about that old dream. And it feels like there might be room for a new one now.

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Comment by greenheron on July 14, 2017 at 4:38am

As another #notamom, I get this. It seems that hot flash times both bring on the grief and also sweep it away. Maybe it's partly hormones.

With that option off the table, you have room for other stuff, as you said. I'm always a little shocked when people, almost always women, envy me my life of pushing a pencil around, of making stuff. It's pretty dreamy, yes, but so is enjoying people that you made. What seems key is that you love what you have, what you've been given, what you've chosen. When I start looking at other people's plates, I can feel discontent, and what's good about that?

Although....enjoying your own plate too much can keep you from trying new food. I met someone–at the local coffee place of all places–who wants to um, date me. We keep running into each other there and have a mutual friend. My first response on realizing this made me want to you know, RUN. I hung in though, because I'm not sure. The other day, he started talking about his spirituality, and how he believes we've become friends as the result of fate and the universe, and guess what, RUN again. Now I'm trying to relax and see if that's really a deal breaker, because you know, I'm a monk artist hermit introvert by nature, and am ambivalent about men, who can mean anxiety, pain and suffering, and unnecessary house cleaning and cooking. What feels right though is my willingness to give things time and not rush in just because there's no man in my life and has not been for five years. Things have to be carefully considered before they get on my plate. That seems one of the benefits of age more than anything else.

On a lighter note, how's the swing coming?  

Comment by Julie Johnson on July 14, 2017 at 6:06am

This was a good one, Phyllis. Just reading your feelings about mourning what we don't have, and never will have gave me a sense of peace also.  

Greeny, reading yours was quite interesting also.  I've never dated, but I've been married 3 times.  I totally understand what you're saying there.  You'll have to keep us updated :-)

Comment by JMac1949 Today on July 14, 2017 at 6:30am

My dream is one last road trip in a camper with a good dog for a companion.

Comment by Foolish Monkey on July 15, 2017 at 12:44am

 I think I had or have two mega dreams that werent fulfilled as yet but I'm not dead although it seems unlikely I will pursue employment that takes me all over the world - which was one of the big dreams. So i've sort of put that one to rest but not entirely.  The other is still possible, although unlikely but in my mind- never say never. 

I've had a life. Its been a good life. I've made more than an average number of miscalculations, not to mention hideous mistakes and lousy judgements but like in the perils of Pauline, I'm still alive and kicking albeit with one leg. ... the other is healing. 

So long as I'm here it remains an adventure, an unknown and I eagerly await my next phase whatever it is.

@ birdie, as you know loving is messy but It IS fun. When I was single i would never turn down a shot at a mad love affair... but thats me. I find the entire business exhilarating. But it is demanding. And makes for shitloads of clutter.. but such good clutter!


Comment by Phyllis on July 15, 2017 at 4:33am

greenie, I hope this person is someone that you want to stick around.

Julie, thank you. I'm glad it gave you peace.

JMac, I have that same dream, although the cats would do it for me, too.

Monkey, I wanted the world spanning career, too. Or at least the money to travel. It's still niggling in my head...

Since I wrote this I've been thinking, as I always do, and I realized that this mourning took care of a few of my issues. This is good to know, that things CAN be gotten over or past and that I can go on. Here's hoping that the next thing makes good memories.


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