There is a saying that time heals all wounds. When you've been depressed for a long time you tend to disbelieve pat little statements such as this because it doesn't seem to be a truism for you. And then one day you think about something that used to break your heart, and you realize that it no longer hurts. It took me by surprise when that happened this week, and I realized that it's part of the reason for the lightening of my spirit these days.
I realized this week that I am no longer mourning the children and the family that I didn't have. Mourning works! Who knew. A year or so ago I gave myself permission to mourn what I missed out on, I was such a wreck whenever I'd realize that I wasn't going to be the loving matriarch that I had always envisioned, that kids and grandkids and their friends and spouses weren't part of the plan this time; but I refused to let myself feel the feelings, I stuffed it down and told myself that I was indulging in self-pity and to face reality. I posted about it here a few times, and the last time the comments asked why not mourn? Why not accept that I was sad, that something I had counted on to be a part of my life wasn't going to happen; why not mourn the loss? So I did.
I won't say I cried because, as I said in a previous post, it's not something I do much of, but I let the sad course through me and I felt it. I felt the weakness in my body and the anguish in my heart and the loss of a dream that I didn't know was a dream. And then, one day when I wasn't looking, it quit hurting.
I still feel a bit poignant, I imagine even that may go away eventually, and I'm not used to not being sad when I think about it so I am feeling my way through this new feeling, but it is nice to not be so sad whenever I think about that old dream. And it feels like there might be room for a new one now.