It's ice social and arts and crafts day. For me it's the butter pecan ice cream that I get for mom and I. We sit quietly and eat our ice cream together. Eating ice cream with my eighty year old mother is a nice thing to do be doing on a windy Thursday. There is something special to know that mom and I don't have to be talking all the time that we are together. It' a wonderful thing silence.
Muffled day of cushioned voices and grand dreams. I finally got awake enough to go and see mom only to find out that she was in the dinning room with the rest of the clientele getting ready to have dinner. I found her sitting with the ones that needed help to eat. Mom was not one of those but she did drift in her thinking. I talked to mom for a minute and nessie, that's what dad called mom, in this case it was the infamous lady of the group that babbled all the time and tried to go home, wouldn't shut up. I finally told mom I was going back to my room and I thought it was wonderful she was out with the group. As I was leaving she belted out, “When are we going home?” I thought to myself how it had almost been a perfect moment and I weighed telling her later but instead I sad mom we are home. She got angry and when I told her that I would check back in on her as l was leaving she said don't worry to hurt me. That was the good old mom. It did hurt and in the past I would leave her alone long enough to hurt her but I wasn't going to play that game any more I knew I would just check in on her like I always do.
My days are filled with muffled over medicated feelings of sounds colors and movement. I sleep and I paint and that is how I spend my days. On the days I go to dialysis it feels like two days have passed into one and I go to sleep after they get the needles in. I sleep long enough to awake to an Adult Swim cartoon and I am lost, confused, nothing makes sense oh I know where I am, go back to sleep, that's it, yes...
I am washed and clean. I am sufficiently medicated. It's time to sleep. I am completely awake listening to bootleg King Crimson. I am so wound tight. Gonna be a long night.
I checked on mom earlier and she decided to get in her bed coffin and go to sleep. Sleep away another day of her eighty years. Hell she might be in better shape than I am. The kidney failure thing kind of turns the tables for health issues.
Alas the waiting...
The waiting in a place that I do not want to be in. I know the staff is good group, they care. The administration tries but this is still an upscale prison. Too many of the clientele here spend most of their day trying to get home. In prison I would be able to listen to my music, play with my computer and paint my pictures. I might have the added forced blow job or a buttfuck but that's it. I'm pretty sure some of those things go on here it's just not forced. We have or had a few couples and we even have a lesbian couple. They are old and very nice together.
Thursday is long gone. The next Thursday coming up is thanksgiving.
So harry has been without a brother now for five years and that means dad was without his little brother five years before. Harry has been without his little brother for ten years. I don't know if they had anything to do with each other anyway. But Harry must be laying someplace near death thinking about playing with his brothers. Must be different than most of us realizing the family they had. Dad's dad was a monster. I don't know if they had a normal period of life their entire lifetime. Me and my brothers had at least normal periods of time when we played like brothers do. Unfortunately some of the play was just exactly what brothers do together.
Paul was fourteen months younger and since the day he was born he didn't like me. I don't know if it was competition or what but it was there. As we grew up together he always seemed to be there when I got hurt. The time the ax came down and split my head open Paul was there. I was standing there with blood gushing out of my head like some eruption and Paul was going, “we don't' have to tell dad, it's not that bad.”
Paul was there when he threw the baseball bat at me and I knew in a split second to either jump or duck. I jumped and the bat came across my knees. Of course my mother's response to all of this was, “oh you'll be OK.” They are both evil creatures.
They had our thanksgiving feast today where the families all came in. mom and I sat with the losers whose families didn't come in and mom sat at a different table because my table was too tall. She was actually just a table away and there were only two tables where we were seated. She had a great time with the girls.
Thanksgiving in the nursing home rehab is a sad place for me especially with mom being here also. Mom always fixed thanksgiving feast for all, all by herself and it was always good. I miss the scalloped oysters that she basically fixed for me. I remember getting her secret recipe and realizing how simple a recipe it was. I started fixing it for myself at other times than just thanksgiving. Mom and I participated in the festivities today even though both of us didn't want to. It was a break in family tradition from our normal stubbornness.
Nathan's two boys came over to visit and bring goodies and I was asleep when they got here which was always upsetting to me. I looked forward to their visits. It was important to see them. They are the continuation of our family. They are both a special link to the future and more importantly they are a connection to right here and now. I love all of them so much and love seeing them.
My daughter and grandson are obviously the number one and two of the family visiting. She has farther to come to see us so sleeping is not an option. I have to be awake.
The week of thanksgiving coming up we are going to see them all more and it's a week to look forward to which hasn't happened in a long time. Not since it was warm out and we all had a chicken dinner outside in the vestibule. That was the last time that we were all here, both families and me and mom.
Even if we were all hung over or fighting with each other or hating someone's wife we all got together for mom's thanksgiving and don't think it was anything else than mom's. She was the prize winner for this holiday. She did up Easter and Christmas also but not to this degree but even though as I think about it she did the holidays right.
Living with her temporarily now for the first time during the holidays and her first holiday in this place is an emotional roller coaster for me. I just feel so many different things and to see her as a vulnerable creature now instead of just mom is heartbreaking.
So it goes. This is what life hands you in the end.
The painting has slowed down finally. I really produced some work there for a while but it's down to one piece every couple of days. I am also out of paint again for the most part. Nathan seems to have no worries purchasing paint for me and I do. I want to sell enough to buy my own paint but it's just not happening right now.
My God My God how the world teeters on the verge of some kind of catastrophe. How I sit here and wonder what the new day brings. This time of thanks has turned into a time of fear and rage toward the innocent.
I stand resolute as the world stands with me. I weep for the children and the children tell me don't weep we are on our way to our new home.
I am a prisoner in this nursing home. A comfortable prisoner.