A dear friend visited me and ask me why I wasn't writing. I didn't have an answer for her. I couldn't admit that I had just been lazy lately. I was feeling to depressed to put forth the energy to write about what was going on. Was was going on was that I had waited to long to get off my ass and do something about moving forward in life and becoming an example instead of just another casualty.

After some well needed computer time I decided it was time to go visit mom. I got to her room and she was nowhere to be found. I Immediately sent out a search and rescue of a couple aids and she was located down the three hundred hall at the end of that hall participating in decorating cookies. She was in second heaven and I found it both heartwarming and heartbreaking. I told the group there how this woman would bake every year at thanksgiving and Christmas enough cookies and fudges to feed all our families. She used to bake mincemeat pie and scalloped oysters that were to die for.
I found it heartwarming how simple volunteer programs for the elderly and handicapped could mean so much and heartbreaking how I tended to forget those moments in life that were gone forever.
It's to easy to get hung up in self centered mind games and to forget the simple things that meant so much. I am so appreciative to those individuals that volunteer and the nurses and aids that take time to make our lives easier during those times when we need some sunshine.
We are so much more than just casualties. We are all connected.

No, here comes the flood. We will say goodbye to flesh and blood. For some reason these lyrics strike me as being very significant to the lives that my mother and I are now living.

My mother and I participated in the new karaoke. It was very surreal. The staff wasn't really sure how to use the small karaoke machine. The entire evening was a disappointment to me. I've participated in a number of karaoke celebrations and this was not the way they usually went.

MY brother Nathan and his boy Chuckles showed up. Chuckles immediately joined in the affair going on and Chuck and I sang Hotel California and New York New York together. It was big fun.

Too many yule tide carols going on with each group coming through handing out bags of sweet goodies. It's just to good to resist.

Every day as I am surrounded by the miracle of our senses from people that are losing these gifts I become so unbelievably grateful for my ability to still, see, hear, smell, touch and experience.

This world is filled with dementia patients,Parkinson's patients and just those like my mother who just doesn't connect with the current world and being surrounded by this can bring me down sometimes and I get depressed but for the most I find it both enlightening and empowering. The consciousness involved is truly beautiful.

I've been depressed and over whelmed over the last couple days because of the holidays and how much play acting goes on during this time of year. I get tired of it all and want January 2nd to get here and all the hoopla be over. I used to feel a little guilty about my ba humbug attitude but the face is that most of us feel this way even when we are putting on an act otherwise.

The day of doom is only one day away. All the anticipation is now coming to a close and the feelings of depression and disillusionment fall upon us all like a ton of bricks. We played the game of denial and illusion. We built this day up to mean so much more and now that we are sitting around our gifts or sitting around no gifts both don't mean a thing. It was all false glamor or complete disappointment. We will soon be back to the daily grind and will not have fond memories to look back upon instead we will be relieved to be back into the normal rut, the normal routine, the normal OK. Who is to blame for this terrible time of year? Well of course it's the whole barrage of commercialism and the lies from our politicians that go on all the time but there is a very real precision to it all this time of year. This is the period in time when we get a glimpse of just how much of a lie our lives are. We are forced to see the veil that gently covers the truth of the illusion of our lives. We are merely a wisp of truth. We are a fingerprint of the scene of the crime. We are dreams and nightmares.

I suppose being incarcerated in this place of old age, dying and rehabilitation makes it seem that much worse with the carolers down our halls every day and the sweets and costumes every single day but I remember it feeling the same as it does now on different occasions under the different circumstances. The truth of the mater is that the lie has lost it's charm. There is no Santa clause and there just isn't the charm of giving gifts anymore. There are just to many wars and to many lying politicians for a trinket to alleviate our pain that comes from these things along with many more. So I say merry Xmas and we can't wait till January 2nd when it's all over and we are back to normal. We can all start building up for Valentines Day. It just never ends.

You know life just becomes the waiting. Once death has occurred in a family then the process of the waiting begins. A day by day occasion of wondering what is next and will they be there. Beautiful days and dismal days all blend together as we wait, just wait.

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Comment by Zanelle on December 24, 2015 at 10:47am

Sounds like you are growing up.  The world of illusion is everywhere all the time.  I am so glad you are having some fun there and that your mom got to decorate cookies.  Yes, I tumble down into deep depression and think of ending it all...why suffer more?  When I worked in a place like that everyone wanted a little room at the end of the hall with a red pill in it so they could check out of life.  But there were moments.  Good things in the midst of it all.   I always find it interesting that you think getting out of there would change things.  It is the same everywhere and being alone in a little room for the holidays is no picnic either.  Also being with dysfunctional family members and acting happy is like walking a tightrope over fire.  There are no easy answers...people with a full family in a home with a roaring fire and tons of presents under the tree are just balancing on the edge of sorrow.  There is no place to hide.  It all goes away and if you wait long enough it comes back...sometimes in only a minute.  That is the dance.  You are doing it and you are so lucky.  Thanks for writing.  We need to hear from you.  I wonder what then new year will bring?


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