Looking Forward

New year, not a new me. After this many years of counseling, I know better. All I can do is work on bringing forth the better aspects of me. That is my goal forever, not just for this year.

Some of the tasks I want to accomplish this year include beginning again with my art. I used to draw, I was moderately good at painting, I played a mean clarinet, and I’m a wicked good seamstress, and over the years it all drifted away. The past couple of years have seen me buying the supplies to begin all of those again. I made a shirt this year but I don’t like how it fits because the other thing that got away from me is my weight and strength, so they are on the list, too. This will be me resolving to live every day with the end in mind.

I’ve done it before, lived with a goal in mind, and it turned out well for me. I spent most of my life job hopping and looking for the next big thing that would fix what was wrong, and one day I stumbled on working for a university. I got lucky with the three jobs I’ve had on this campus and got supervisors who weren’t strict martinets on protocol. There are horror stories, and I don’t understand why, but they aren’t mine to deal with. I bought a house 13 years ago in May which stabilized my living expenses and gave me a safe place for my pets, and was way cheaper than renting. I’ve had luck in fixing up the outside in the form of a hailstorm that gave me money for a roof and siding and allowed me to pony up for the windows and doors, I had already put on new gutters and garage door and worked with the town to fix the drainage issues. I put up a fence, and did some work in the kitchen and bathroom, and that’s been it. The rest of the house looks like temporary quarters, but my bank account is happy. Looking back, those 13 years passed in a snap but it didn’t feel like that when I was living them.

I am ready, now, to apply the goal philosophy to the next step in life, and that is enrichment. While I was in the process of becoming secure I lost everything else. Well, to be honest, I never really had it. Too much moving in my childhood meant that I never learned about friends and personal relationships, all I know about love I got from trashy romance novels and my dysfunctional family. I never learned the art of forgiveness, what I learned was that people get one, and only one, chance and when that chance is used up then that’s it. My parents taught me that I was not allowed to say no which put me in a lot of bad situations when I started to branch out. When I finally did get out I would get incredibly angry if I felt that anyone was telling me what to do. I had a weird sort of pride that would pop out when I felt that people were taking advantage of me.

I also didn’t believe that I was any good at my art. Not any good and no one would want it. That’s wrong, btw, I am good. Really good. The problem is that no one wanted it. I didn’t know about all of the work and sacrifice that is involved in art, that it wasn’t just about being good it was about selling yourself and making contacts and putting yourself out there. And practice. And lessons. And history and technique. All things that I need to look into and learn about to make sure that this is what I want. Thank goodness for MOOCs.

I hope to look back a year from now and see progress, including finally playing Auld Lang Syne on that clarinet.

6 members like this

Comment by JMac1949 Today on January 1, 2016 at 3:23pm: "...good at painting, I played a mean clarinet, and I’m a wicked good seamstress..." Looks like a great foundation for progress to me. All the best to you and yours in 2016 and here's a Simple Gift for you:

Comment by Zanelle on January 1, 2016 at 3:33pm: Woo, what a great post. Flash that art around. Survival stuff can be brutal but it sounds like you did right by your house. That is nice. I think I am benefiting from your visits with your therapist. Thanks for listening an reporting. Important stuff and you are doing the right thing. Did you ever find out who sent all the gifts. Tink? hmmmm Not me. I havent a penny to spend on anything and yet I go out there and buy like I do. Eat too much. I think that is so important and you inspire me with your facebook mentioning of the delights you put together. Talented lady. I love your sewing. Did you see the movie JOY yet? So powerful and deep. Happy New Year!!!

Comment by Phyllis on January 1, 2016 at 4:27pm: Thanks, jmac. Jewel has the right idea.

zanelle, I should let you know that I haven't seen a counselor for a couple of months, mine moved away and I don't want to look for another one yet. Still a bit miffed, I think. As to the gifts, no, I don't know and at this point don't think I ever will. Too bad, they at least deserve a thank you. I wasn't planning to see Joy, I'll go look at it again and see what it's about. Take care out there. :)

Comment by M. C. Sears on January 1, 2016 at 5:04pm: It’s hard to reconnect with parts of ourselves following traumatic events but it can be done. I’ve only just returned to painting following a 25 year hiatus; at first it felt strange I still had my understanding of technique and colour theory and some muscle memory but good heavens control over my hand required hours upon hours of retraining and now it feels like I was never away. I look forward to seeing your artwork posted here.

Comment by Phyllis on January 1, 2016 at 5:22pm: M.C., it is an interesting journey, that reconnecting. As I was reading stuff this afternoon I was reminded of that saying about people never changing, and it's true. I'm thinking that we really don't change, we just air out different parts of us over time.

Comment by koshersalaami on January 1, 2016 at 5:57pm: I know about retraining hands because every several years I do a spate of classical piano. Technique has to be more precise. Takes a few days to lock in.

Sounds like you're learning.