I got up early this morning, took a shower, got dressed and dried my hair, and I am sitting on my front porch eating fruit and enjoying the morning. This is exactly how I have envisioned starting my days in retirement, the only thing that would make it better would be an ocean across the street and some palm trees.
Fred's chrysalis is going to open today, too, I have been watching it get darker and darker as the morning has progressed.
There is, of course, a cloud hanging over my head, the universe scheduled Dad for atrial fibrillation this weekend and he's having a procedure to attempt to correct it this morning. I was put into the position, when I got home last night and saw the changes in the chrysalis, of having to choose. Do I rush to the hospital this morning or do I follow through on my responsibility to Fred?
I know that a lot of people wouldn't even see a choice here, they would say ditch the bug and go take care of your parent. I could have done that, and then I would have spent the rest of my life berating myself for causing an innocent to die. So I put the question to Dad. He could have said no, I need you here, but he didn't. He said that he had a whole cadre of doctors and nurses and that he would be fine. And he knows how much effort I have put into helping the monarch butterflies, so he told me to stay home and see this through to the end.
Four hours after my alarm went off I am still waiting for Fred to pop. I had about 6 dreams last night about butterflies hatching, the last one was apocalyptic and I don't think all of the butterflies survived, but most of them ended well. I have had an old phone recording non-stop since I went into the shower so that we don't miss the big unveiling, and according to this web page mine has been within minutes for about an hour. The big problem is that it could just not hatch. No one has any way to tell that until it doesn't happen. And I just read another page that changing their location can slow them down so I put it back into the plant cage.
My lesson for today. Let go and trust the universe. If it wasn't for parasitic wasps I could just put Fred outside and go to Dad. Since I can't do that with a clear conscience, I am stressing because my control issues think that I need to be there to keep Dad alive. I am asking if my choice means that the one I choose lives and the other one doesn't?
A hummingbird just buzzed the hollyhocks.
I know that Dad's survival doesn't depend on my presence. Fred would probably be okay, too, if I tucked him outside for the big reveal. I talked to Dad this morning and he reiterated stay home. I admit that I hoped the universe would make it possible to do both.
I know that no one is going to understand this choice to stay home. I didn't want to have to choose. Which one do you abandon, the one with a team or the one who only has you and doesn't have a chance to vote?
The sun just came over the trees.
Update- I am crying now, it wasn't just Dad that I had to let go of control over, it was Fred, too. He is as safe as I could make him in the milkweed patch, with plenty of room for his wings to unfurl.
Hale and farewell, Fred. May the Universe watch over you.
Update #2: I came home to find an empty chrysalis, Fred began this final journey as he did everything, covertly. As a caterpillar he lived on the underside of the bottom leaves. He created his chrysalis in the dark of night surrounded by leaves. And he burst free to fly in orange glory again surrounded by the leaves where he was born. I wandered over to see my neighbor, following a strange compulsion, and saw a set of bright orange wings fly over the top of her garage. I want to believe that was Fred, heading out.