kind of back, baby. the joys of salmon chowder, ella fitzgerald, bobby seale, black panther, oregonians,

  • fuck this shit; i cannot get this to format so there are real paragraphs. i will put it in a word document and post it again from there. this is a travesty.
    this is not edited and i apologized. i'm in recovery, finally, from a bad bipolar depression. so very happy and grateful to be sleeping again and not wanting to jump off anything. it would be great to wash my hair but it is what it is and baby steps and all that jazz. and thank god for those beanies that the young people are so fond of. i am actually a little bit hip. who knew?
    but i freaking wrote something!!! that isn't an email or a gratitude journal entry. and i think/hope that it's funny
    okay, so, i live in subsidized senior housing, which i call subsidized senior heaven. long story. but i am so blessed to have a nest egg. we are allowed to have other money but we have to only get a certain amount per month. and i love sharing any abundance i have and yada yada yada...
    so i had food delivered the other night -- a whole lot of it -- because i couldn't get myself and cocoa chanel out. and we got this salmon chowder from a local place called Seasons and Regions. it's too salty but if you thin it with water and milk or half and half, it's sooo good. and of course my critters love salmon. kitty LOVES it. and cocoa is a big fan too. well, she's a fan of almost any food.  
    there is no minimum for that place which is wonderful. and it comes with really good bread. i'm from boston so i miss fried clams and bluefish and mussels and such. allergic to crustaceans but i can have mollusks and fish. i never had lobster so one day before i die i am going to get a bunch of epi-pens and finally have one. preferably one from maine!!! 
    so our little family is way content. i claim that we have weekly interspecies family meetings. where we talk about competition and cooperation. it was more relevant when my little ella fitzgerald was alive because cc is EXTREMELY competitive and would body block her out of the way when anyone was paying her attention and she was so incredibly cute that small and could be easily picked up and it drove cocoa nuts. i would have to hold cc back so my mood-ELLA-vator could get her props. at the last meeting. she and kitty told me that they want to tweet!!! so i had to explain to them, once again, that they have no cognitive function or fingers and they told me that i have an attitude problem which is how all our gatherings end. 
    cc feels the equally competitive with Kitty but he knows not to get in her face very much. she tolerates him but that's about it. he ADORES her so sometimes when she is asleep, he will curl up next to her and she will wake up and look at me like Why? i get that from her a a lot. 
    i got him after ella fitzgerald died (i saw the lady herself perform 3 times and they were a highlight of my life!!!} there was and is no one like her. i have a drawing of her by picasso on my wall in a red frame but no one notices it because my place is a huge major packrat mess and oregonians don't give a flying fuck about other people in general.
    i miss getting compliments so much. in Real Cities, people care about fashion and they notice when you makes an effort. a cros section of them. i was in west hollywood and had just had my hair colored and the red was kind of over the top. a homeless guy came running up the street and said "great hair. i saw it all the way down there!" i mean, seriously, man.
    so ella was dead. at age 11. i have always been able to say goodbye too my pets even my pet rats and they have very brief lives. but i woke up and she was dead and it was horrible. cc and i were so very sad -- she loved ella fitz in her own grudging way. of course. we sat on the couch and looked at each other and i didn't know what to do. i wasn't ready to get another pup. still am not even though cc is 14 going on 15 and i very frequently beg her not to die and she is so cool about that. she points out that she is very full of life -- which she is. despite my being agoraphobic and rarely getting her or myself out of my home. yes, i know. i should have people walk her. Duh. but she is my service dog and we are bonded intensely and she does not want to be with anyone else. she will find a way to get loose and run back home and it's so dangerous. ella would do the same thing. 
    so she gets very little fresh air and it's a fucking crime. and little exercise. we dance around the house and do trick and treat... it's astonishing how healthy she is. she gets in play position and jumps around and i'm like, hey, you're an old lady. take it easy.
    so i cry -- and i never cry -- about the fact that she is in such great shape despite not having a full life but the vet assures me that what canine-americans want is to be with their pack. and that she has never seen a dog that is so tuned in to a human. so i comfort myself with that. but i sob and tell her that she deserves a family and a huge yard and she tells me to calm down and that it is what it is -- she's a 12 step gal at heart. 
    anyway, okay, we were so sad when ella died. i decided to get us a kitten. i was told that it was a female so i named Her Gloria Steinem because she was a feminist and a "feline-est". we went to the vet and the tech took her away and came back and said, this is not gloria steinem. and i was crabby so i said, whatever. and she said, her balls dropped. 
    i didn't know what to name Him so initially he was gary cooper. he grew up. the teen years were horrendous. he ping ponged off the walls and raced back and forth around and over the bed and drove cc and i crazy. but he grew up and he is handsome and lovely and a great guy. he finally realized that the Food Provider has other uses. and he gets increasingly affectionate over time so that is a serious joy in my life. 
    okay, back to Her being a Him. as he grew up, he was and is just gorgeous. he is a tuxedo and he has the shiniest glossiest coat and he has more confidence than god and he walks like a supermodel. so i renamed him Bobby Seale the tiny Black Panther. and of course he is so on trend this year with the film and all and has a major attitude and thinks he's a film buff. but, anyway, he's huge. so i call him my Gigantic Transgender Kitty. he told me that he identifies as female but we keep that under wraps since he is also so macho. 
    wow, where was i. as i've mentioned before, my best homosexual friend says that my tangents have tangents and that i am an Acquired Taste and he's not wrong. at all. 
    shit, this is all for now, i guess. i'm out of gas for now. been a long while since i stretched my mind muscles at all. i don't even remember what i was going to write about. oh crap, it was something else entirely. whatever. a ridiculously terrible situation that i am in. that i live with. and how it came to a head and was humiliating and embarrassing and all that jazz. but very very funny as all awful things are. tragedy plus time being comedy and all. 
    so part 2 to follow shortly...
    love love love and gratitude to all

    Theodora L'Engle Knight and my Service Canine-American Cocoa Chanel  (& the late great Ella Fitzgerald.) and my Gigantic Transgender Kitty Bobby Seale the Black Panther


    "If it's not one thing, it's your mother." Robin Williams "You can't have everything... Where would you put it?" Steven Wright "Keep passing the open windows." John Irving, from The Hotel New Hampshire "My mind is like a bad neighborhood. I try not to go there alone." Anne Lamott

Views: 48

Comment by koshersalaami on February 20, 2019 at 6:48pm

cc doesn’t need a family and a yard. cc needs you. 

Comment by Theodora L'Engle Knight on February 20, 2019 at 7:29pm

Thanks as always, kosh, for your support. I mostly feel that way. I need to find a way to post videos on here. As annoying as that is to most people. To see her leap up in to my arms. And race around like a loon. I I give her this stuff for joints and she had an X-Ray and an exam and there is no arthritis or joint problems. I'm so freaking grateful. Shes kind of the love of my life. Well, after my dead husband and my first service dog good willa hunting. I mean. Shit. I mean.Where there is a wills there is a way.

Comment by old new lefty on February 22, 2019 at 7:13am

There's always good dope in Oregon, man.


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