so, i have a friend, philip. he's a good friend but it's weird. he is happily married. my closest pals are usually gay men or those who are happily coupled. the challenging part is that he is often unemployed which he seems to handle very well. i would be beside myself but he had a good early life and was loved and shit, which i cannot relate to at all. so he handles stressful situations very well. plus he's been married for 28 years and they still say i love you and shit so...
okay, so he does work for me. about once a month or every other month depending whether he is here in portland or working somewhere else. i am desperately not good with tech. with electronics in general. so he comes and deals with all my problems with my devices and explains things to me and when something is not working, he helps me figure out what is a good deal in terms of buying something new.
this is invaluable to me because i get so stressed when this shit isn't working. and want to jump off the building but i can't because i have my sweet senior service dog cocoa chanel and i cannot do anything like that until after she is gone. she's 14 now. very healthy. spry even. but i am grateful for every day that i have her because as we say in boston, ya nevah know. if anyone has an elderly canine-american or one that is not old but has joint problems. i give something called Cosequin to my cc. and i gave it to my little ella fitzgerald. it was kind of miraculous. ella was chi/pom and born with a bad knee so she was on painkillers and was stoned all the time. very twinkly and perky.
ella had never been able to jump up on anything. we have 2 doggie step thingies. for the bed and the couch. could never get up there. and she was 10 or 11 years old. so i gave her the cosequin and she was sitting beside the sofa where a friend of ours was sitting and Boop!!! all of a sudden she was up on the couch! she was so puzzled. it was so cute. she kept looking around like what am i doing up here. and look at this view.
please bear in mind that i am skeptical about almost everything in the world. i am rarely hopeful or optimistic. but cocoa had an xray last year and there was no arthritis, no joint problems... she gets in to play position all the time and jumps around and i'm like, be careful. you're an old lady and you need to chill a little.
okay, that tangent is finished. i was told by a friend that my tangents have tangents and she is not wrong.
so philip comes here and helps me with my devices and i feed him and pay him. but we have a pretty close friendship that has nothing to do with his helping me. we talk about anything and everything. and i can get angry and yell at him and he can be a giant asshole and very stubborn about political views or whatever that are just wrong. and we are totally fine afterwards. that is rare in general. and i find that with women -- very tough for me because of having a mother and sister who were and are, well, as they say "not touchy feely". meaning kind of monstrous -- are challenging for me. men seem to like me much more. i have a big personality and it kind of annoys females and i am terrified of them while guys have no problem with my whole thang. i hate portland for many reasons but what really sucks that i cannot find a gay male friend. i swear to god, there is a lesbian every 2 feet, but the homosexual men seem to be either cocooning with their husbands or in the clubs. so i am an unwilling recovering fag hag. which sucks.
last time philip was here, we went to this place that service breakfast for dinner. well, all day. which i love. and he does too so we went there. and i asked him about his family and he had siblings i had never heard about and his parents were lovely. they were teachers. and it seems that his mother loved broadway musicals and he loves them too. i had no idea. and kind of annoyed. because i am a huge consumer of all things "art" related. but whatever. i asked him what were his favorite shows and about where is the best site to download the soundtracks. i had forgotten all about theater in general. long story about how dissociate and things just leave my brain for long periods of time.
so we were talking about tv and i was telling him as usual about all the podcasts that i listen to. i love this so much. i have a soundtrack to my life that i learn from and get inspired by and have huge laughs. the only downside is that i get spoiled by the quality of the people i get to spend time with.
okay, so, i am always talking to philip about podcasts and how much i love them and recommending various ones to him. same with tv. as an agoraphobic, i am addicted to the idiot box and kind of an expert. well, i had a realization the other day and it was really painful. it hit me hard that he has never ever ever ever listened to or watched anything that i love and tell him about. he watches rachel maddow and he now listens to her pod bagman. that is it. i love Pod Save America and so many others. he downloaded all the episodes which is not necessary and has not listened to one of them. and he is not working. he's not doing much of anything. he talked about west wing which he never saw. and i raved about it. he has not watched one episode.
maybe there is something wrong with me but when people tell me about something they love, i check those things out. out of respect for them and because i am always eager to consume new intriguing things.
so, men, what the fuck is this about. i am feeling really hurt and angry and also seriously puzzled. he knows that i am hurt and angry but he refuses to take any step at all. even though, at this point, because i'm feeling so disrespected, he's kind of jeapordizing our friendship. this may seem really stupid of me to you guys. and i get that. and i can find someone else to help me with my stuff.
wow, i am in a lot of pain over this. when it hit me, like that stupid I could have had a V8 ad, it just kind of devastated me when i looked at the cumulative nature of this. i mean, years of stuff we have talked about. and not one single thing.
is this a passive-aggressive thing to have some kind of control because he does kind of work for me? does he just not value what i like or care about? why would he willfully hurt our friendship over listening to one fucking podcast episode?
i better stop here before i lose this whole thing
teddy eta l