kay, i have a question for the men on here. there is some behavior that i am not understanding.

so, i have a friend, philip. he's a good friend but it's weird. he is happily married. my closest pals are usually gay men or those who are happily coupled. the challenging part is that he is often unemployed which he seems to handle very well. i would be beside myself but he had a good early life and was loved and shit, which i cannot relate to at all. so he handles stressful situations very well. plus he's been married for 28 years and they still say i love you and shit so...

okay, so he does work for me. about once a month or every other month depending whether he is here in portland or working somewhere else. i am desperately not good with tech. with electronics in general. so he comes and deals with all my problems with my devices and explains things to me and when something is not working, he helps me figure out what is a good deal in terms of buying something new.

this is invaluable to me because i get so stressed when this shit isn't working. and want to jump off the building but i can't because i have my sweet senior service dog cocoa chanel and i cannot do anything like that until after she is gone. she's 14 now. very healthy. spry even. but i am grateful for every day that i have her because as we say in boston, ya nevah know. if anyone has an elderly canine-american or one that is not old but has joint problems. i give something called Cosequin to my cc. and i gave it to my little ella fitzgerald. it was kind of miraculous. ella was chi/pom and born with a bad knee so she was on painkillers and was stoned all the time. very twinkly and perky.

ella had never been able to jump up on anything. we have 2 doggie step thingies. for the bed and the couch. could never get up there. and she was 10 or 11 years old. so i gave her the cosequin and she was sitting beside the sofa where a friend of ours was sitting and Boop!!! all of a sudden she was up on the couch! she was so puzzled. it was so cute. she kept looking around like what am i doing up here. and look at this view.

please bear in mind that i am skeptical about almost everything in the world. i am rarely hopeful or optimistic. but cocoa had an xray last year and there was no arthritis, no joint problems... she gets in to play position all the time and jumps around and i'm like, be careful. you're an old lady and you need to chill a little.

okay, that tangent is finished. i was told by a friend that my tangents have tangents and she is not wrong.

so philip comes here and helps me with my devices and i feed him and pay him. but we have a pretty close friendship that has nothing to do with his helping me. we talk about anything and everything. and i can get angry and yell at him and he can be a giant asshole and very stubborn about political views or whatever that are just wrong. and we are totally fine afterwards. that is rare in general. and i find that with women -- very tough for me because of having a mother and sister who were and are, well, as they say "not touchy feely". meaning kind of monstrous -- are challenging for me. men seem to like me much more. i have a big personality and it kind of annoys females and i am terrified of them while guys have no problem with my whole thang. i hate portland for many reasons but what really sucks that i cannot find a gay male friend. i swear to god, there is a lesbian every 2 feet, but the homosexual men seem to be either cocooning with their husbands or in the clubs. so i am an unwilling recovering fag hag. which sucks.

last time philip was here, we went to this place that service breakfast for dinner. well, all day. which i love. and he does too so we went there. and i asked him about his family and he had siblings i had never heard about and his parents were lovely. they were teachers. and it seems that his mother loved broadway musicals and he loves them too. i had no idea. and kind of annoyed. because i am a huge consumer of all things "art" related. but whatever. i asked him what were his favorite shows and about where is the best site to download the soundtracks. i had forgotten all about theater in general. long story about how dissociate and things just leave my brain for long periods of time.

so we were talking about tv and i was telling him as usual about all the podcasts that i listen to. i love this so much. i have a soundtrack to my life that i learn from and get inspired by and have huge laughs. the only downside is that i get spoiled by the quality of the people i get to spend time with.

okay, so, i am always talking to philip about podcasts and how much i love them and recommending various ones to him. same with tv. as an agoraphobic, i am addicted to the idiot box and kind of an expert. well, i had a realization the other day and it was really painful. it hit me hard that he has never ever ever ever listened to or watched anything that i love and tell him about. he watches rachel maddow and he now listens to her pod bagman. that is it. i love Pod Save America and so many others. he downloaded all the episodes which is not necessary and has not listened to one of them. and he is not working. he's not doing much of anything. he talked about west wing which he never saw. and i raved about it. he has not watched one episode.

maybe there is something wrong with me but when people tell me about something they love, i check those things out. out of respect for them and because i am always eager to consume new intriguing things.

so, men, what the fuck is this about. i am feeling really hurt and angry and also seriously puzzled. he knows that i am hurt and angry but he refuses to take any step at all. even though, at this point, because i'm feeling so disrespected, he's kind of jeapordizing our friendship. this may seem really stupid of me to you guys. and i get that. and i can find someone else to help me with my stuff.

wow, i am in a lot of pain over this. when it hit me, like that stupid I could have had a V8 ad, it just kind of devastated me when i looked at the cumulative nature of this. i mean, years of stuff we have talked about. and not one single thing.

is this a passive-aggressive thing to have some kind of control because he does kind of work for me? does he just not value what i like or care about? why would he willfully hurt our friendship over listening to one fucking podcast episode?

i better stop here before i lose this whole thing


teddy eta l


Views: 116

Comment by Theodora L'Engle Knight on November 27, 2018 at 9:17pm

please be gentle if you're going to tell me what a dingbat i am.

Comment by koshersalaami on November 27, 2018 at 10:01pm

I assume he does entertainment when he’s tired or wants down time and at that point he doesn’t feel like experimenting. In addition, being married he’s likely to watch TV with his wife. I watch with mine. I don’t watch what she doesn’t watch, and he may not watch what his wife doesn’t watch. He may also be happy with what he entertains himself with and isn’t interested in broadening his horizons because if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. And of the things he intends to do, this is likely to end up at the back of his line in terms of urgency. 

He may view checking out other stuff as a chore, a homework assignment. People often don’t follow up on stuff like that. If I’m talking to another musician and I tell them where my old band is on YouTube, they’ll write it down but they won’t get to it. That’s just how things are. 

Comment by Theodora L'Engle Knight on November 27, 2018 at 10:33pm

that makes sense, kosher. thanks for sharing that about the band. makes me feel better. it makes even more sense when i think about his being unemployed so much. so his mind is always on finding another job. and he's even less likely that he will be open to new things. what really got me was when he listened to the rachel maddow pod... but, yes, he has a full plate. it's the years and years of this that is a little hard.

why is my post not showing up as a new post on the main page?

Comment by Theodora L'Engle Knight on November 27, 2018 at 10:33pm

never mind. it is on there.

Comment by Theodora L'Engle Knight on November 28, 2018 at 12:42am

hmmm, i'm remembering, kosh, how i'm always fascinated and intrigued by your point of view because our lives are so different. in every conceivable way. i love getting glimpses of what it's like over there. it's not about tv. it's about podcasts. that's the bear of it. you listen to podcasts when you're walking around. when you're doing errands, when you are puttering around your house... you don't sit in one place and listen to one. no, wait a minute. i'm sure there are people who do that. i don't do that. and i suspect that many people do not. you don't sit next to your wife and listen to a podcast. it's not like that. it's portable.

so it's not the same thing as consuming the same entertainment as your wife. it just isn't. especially when you have learned how to access podcasts, when you have downloaded all the episodes of the Pod Save America podcast that your friend would like you to check out. and you refuse to listen to even one. it's not the same thing. this is something else. which is why i posted about it. tv? not a biggie to me. committing to watching west thing? it's a big thing.

this is not that. i don't know how to get this across. but it's not the same thing. it's really passive aggressive. this is NOT a big thing to add to your life's agenda. not when you are listening to rachel maddow's pod... it's something else and it's kind of creepy.

Comment by koshersalaami on November 28, 2018 at 5:18am

I hardly ever listen to podcasts. Never got into the habit. I’ve seen Maddow on YouTube but because she has to fill a given amount of time she gets too repetitive for me. That’s all a tangent. 

I can’t tell you why this guy is not listening to recommended podcasts, unless he has actually tried them, doesn’t like them, and doesn’t want to tell you, which I suppose it’s possible. In any case, the only piece of advice I have for you, in the event you actually want advice, is to stop recommending them. What you don’t want is for them to become a bigger issue and, based on what I’m reading, they could, and a very destructive one. Recommending is one thing. Insisting crosses a boundary. 

Comment by Ron Powell on November 28, 2018 at 5:38am

"so, men, what the fuck is this about."

I don't believe that this phenomenon is exclusively or primarily a "man" thing.

I have friends, both men and women, whom I've known for many years, that are neither academics or lawyers, many of them won't read or check out written or video material I have suggested or recommended for reasons known only to them and I tend to leave it that way...

I have one very dear friend, whom I've known since highschool, who would rather  listen to me explain my positions on issues than read or review any material that I might refer to a "source" for what I might have to say....

She is a professionally trained and certified social worker who has masters degrees in social work and accounting and has been a top or leading administrator in early childhood education for 30 years in the City of New Haven, Connecticut... 

Her explanation for refraining from looking at, or reading, what I've suggested is somewhat unnerving, embarrassing, and flattering all at the same time..

She hasn't/doesn't follow up on my reading and viewing suggestions because she "likes the sound of my voice" and much prefers to hear me talk about and explain certain matters than access the source materials herself....

She doesn't pay particular attention to what I have to say. She just likes to hear me talk...

Comment by alsoknownas on November 28, 2018 at 8:22am

My guess is that he is not as well read as you, knows he cannot hold an extended conversation on certain topics and doesn't make the effort to start. Likely the same pattern with all the people with whom he comes into contact. Why say dumb sounding stuff when you have learned to nod your head at the correct time?

Comment by Tom Cordle on November 29, 2018 at 5:35pm

I wouldn't presume to explain your friend's behavior – I have a hard enough time explaining my own, which is why I usually don't. Nor do I feel any necessity to watch TV programs others insist I must watch. For instance, friends have urged me to watch The Big Bang Theory, or whatever it's called. Not interested. Nor am I interested in criticizing other people's viewing habits – with the exception of those who watch Fox News. Sometimes someone will insist I should be fair and watch Fox News. My response? Why in hell would I waste my time watching people tell me bald-faced lies?

Comment by Theodora L'Engle Knight on November 30, 2018 at 1:48am

thank you all for your very helpful comments. i agree with all of you because i am so conflicted. i will respond to individual responses later on. i'm exhausted from a very bizarre situation that i am in where i live. will post about it and try to make it funny rather than, well, shit, don't know how to describe it.


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