"JOKE WRITER FOR BERNIE" - Reporting for Duty!

Jmac from OurSalon has requested that someone step forward & write jokes for Bernie....so laugh or don't laugh - just Vote in November...

BERNIE SANDERS takes the Mic

Just flew in from Iowa & boy, are my arms tired!

I know, I know!

Sorry I'm late - I was at the Whoppi Goldberg Bas Mitzvah!

I don't have to do this you know - I played Carnegie Foyer!

Cell Phone rings - Bernie picks up.

What time does the Debates start?  When can you get here?

I don't need this you know - I'm an enema...I mean, enigma!

Damn these Glasses - don't get old!  Intern... wipe!

Bernie clears his throat.

Cau-cus?  Pfft.  I spit up more phlegm than that every morning!

Yeah, I'm so old - I remember when Jack Daniels drank from a Sippy Cup!

But, not too old for this job - Larry David will do Mondays, Wednesdays  & Fridays!

Boo!

Okay, the Weekends too!

I hate to bring this up, but I'm a little hard of hearing - so when you laugh - could you laugh a little louder than you normally would?

No, I will not accept Vice President & why should I...Bill doesn't even want to be under the woman!

There's a joke in there somewhere!  ha ha

To guy in front row.

Are you in Politics?  No - then get your damn feet off the stage!

Ba Rump Bump!

It's not easy getting a Comedic License!

Where you from?  Cleveland.  I spent 2 weeks there one night!

I paid 15 bucks for that!

Do you live in a House or a Condom?

Sir, get a hold of yourself!

Try toppin' that, Hillary!

I see you want 20 minutes of sex - I don't even get 20 minutes of sex!

I see I found the level of this crowd!

To woman in front row.

Is he your husband?  He's so lifelike!

You know, folks - it's jokes like this that kept me out of Show Business!

I'm on a roll now!

You're a good crowd - but last night...they didn't throw Tomatoes - they threw Knives!

Oh sure, on your way home you're gonna pull over & crack yourself up!

You won't find me playing Dirty Tricks like Cruz - I didn't shut off her mic when she didn't get back from the Bathroom...I gave her a Wedgie!

Sure, I have plans for the White House - Wood Paneling!

Well, that's my time - gotta go check the Obituaries - if I'm in it; I cancel my Golf Game!

Don't forget - if you vote twice - you get a free Bagel! 

***

Views: 179

Comment by tr ig on February 8, 2016 at 8:14am

:-/ vote early and often  HAW Marilyn \-:

Comment by JMac1949 Today on February 8, 2016 at 8:34am

Bernie's best line came from one of the early debates when he said he wasn't interested in reading Hillary's e-mails.  The SNL skit with Larry David was a class act:

Comment by Jeanne Sathre on February 8, 2016 at 8:41am

Two for one--Bernie and David. I like it.

Comment by Zanelle on February 8, 2016 at 8:49am

wood paneling plans for the white house.....baaahahahahahahhahah   Thanks for all of these!!!

Comment by Arthur James on February 8, 2016 at 10:30am

`

i bSWEAR...

LARTELY'''

it SAFER IFF"

`

OFF-LINE?

WE BE?

SPONTAEIOUSLT?

(sp) enlightened?

as? spontaneously

de? a insightful?

it be fun to paint

the ` White House>?

`

Yellow?

`

or?

do?

vinyl?

`

We sae a 

Yellow

White

House?

`cc'

to?

Michelle

Obama?

`

( nob2-`l's?

She has 2-l''s

ande No Hell!

`

`

Comment by marilyn sands on February 8, 2016 at 11:29am

Thanks tr ig!  I love putting words in his mouth!  

Comment by marilyn sands on February 8, 2016 at 11:31am

Thanks Terry!  All he has to do is beat Bloomberg!  ha ha

Comment by marilyn sands on February 8, 2016 at 11:58am

Thanks jmac!  Darn, I didn't get to use: "Personally, I have enough money to last me the rest of my life - unless I want to buy something"!  ha ha

Comment by marilyn sands on February 8, 2016 at 12:40pm

Thanks Jeanne!  I love the old jokes.  I heard Bernie complained about his hotel room too..."It was so small, every time I bent over, I rearranged the furniture"! 

Comment by marilyn sands on February 8, 2016 at 12:59pm

Thanks Zanelle!  Yeah, the White House is a fixer-upper - but, somebody ought to nip that Vermont guy in the bud... Aluminum Siding is so tacky!

Comment

You need to be a member of Our Salon to add comments!

Join Our Salon

NEW BLOG POSTS

Where Jaws was Filmed

Posted by J.P. Hart on June 18, 2019 at 11:19am 0 Comments

I’m Not A Buddhist

Posted by Robert B. James on June 18, 2019 at 7:42am 1 Comment

2 Questions for Kosh and Jon

Posted by Ron Powell on June 18, 2019 at 2:30am 2 Comments

Greeting of the Day

Posted by Ron Powell on June 16, 2019 at 10:08am 0 Comments

Go Big or Go Home

Posted by Ron Powell on June 16, 2019 at 9:30am 2 Comments

© 2019   Created by lorianne.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Privacy Policy  |  Terms of Service