BERNIE SANDERS takes the Mic
Just flew in from Iowa & boy, are my arms tired!
I know, I know!
Sorry I'm late - I was at the Whoppi Goldberg Bas Mitzvah!
I don't have to do this you know - I played Carnegie Foyer!
Cell Phone rings - Bernie picks up.
What time does the Debates start? When can you get here?
I don't need this you know - I'm an enema...I mean, enigma!
Damn these Glasses - don't get old! Intern... wipe!
Bernie clears his throat.
Cau-cus? Pfft. I spit up more phlegm than that every morning!
Yeah, I'm so old - I remember when Jack Daniels drank from a Sippy Cup!
But, not too old for this job - Larry David will do Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays!
Okay, the Weekends too!
I hate to bring this up, but I'm a little hard of hearing - so when you laugh - could you laugh a little louder than you normally would?
No, I will not accept Vice President & why should I...Bill doesn't even want to be under the woman!
There's a joke in there somewhere! ha ha
To guy in front row.
Are you in Politics? No - then get your damn feet off the stage!
Ba Rump Bump!
It's not easy getting a Comedic License!
Where you from? Cleveland. I spent 2 weeks there one night!
I paid 15 bucks for that!
Do you live in a House or a Condom?
Sir, get a hold of yourself!
Try toppin' that, Hillary!
I see you want 20 minutes of sex - I don't even get 20 minutes of sex!
I see I found the level of this crowd!
To woman in front row.
Is he your husband? He's so lifelike!
You know, folks - it's jokes like this that kept me out of Show Business!
I'm on a roll now!
You're a good crowd - but last night...they didn't throw Tomatoes - they threw Knives!
Oh sure, on your way home you're gonna pull over & crack yourself up!
You won't find me playing Dirty Tricks like Cruz - I didn't shut off her mic when she didn't get back from the Bathroom...I gave her a Wedgie!
Sure, I have plans for the White House - Wood Paneling!
Well, that's my time - gotta go check the Obituaries - if I'm in it; I cancel my Golf Game!
Don't forget - if you vote twice - you get a free Bagel!