i hoped to have a happier first post over here, well, first post in the second incarnation, or whatever.  since i dont consider the one with OS recommendations to be a post, really.

but, such is not my life.

someone on facebook mentioned "vaguebooking."  thats when someone gives some vague status like, "need prayers."  without explaining why.

i dont want to go into a whole story.  i have pretty much just cried since getting home from san diego.  my son is struggling.  half of me is sure he will be fine someday.

fine, good, great, and look back and shake his head at this hard time.

and part of me is not sure of that.

and that part is so afraid, and so sad, and so full of regret for every thing i might ever have done differently,

i cant even tell you.

will be trying to get a therapist this week, for me, if i can stop crying long enough to take care of it.  his therapist went on maternity leave and this week, he has a brand new therapist.

i cry everywhere now.  supermarket, car, restaurant, sidewalk, everywhere.

but i do try very hard not to cry in front of him.

sorry to unload like this, but i really cant in person, you know.

keith keeps asking whats wrong.

cause he is mentally ill, i believe a sociopath, and doesnt understand that i didnt magically get better since yesterday, for no reason.

its weird.

i need to be gone.

i shouldnt be here.

but i cant go 3000 miles away and take my son with me, till he is a little more stable.

the local artist housing, turns out, is not low income housing.  or not low income enough, anyway. they havent even had half as many apps as they have units - bc nobody can afford them.

so.  its a hard time.  i dont know how to make it better.  i keep doing what i need to do.  i keep doing my poetry.  i reach out to friends i feel safe with.  i keep going to work.

but the grief and worry stay and stay and stay.

so, if you dont mind, i will take prayers, or good thoughts, or cyber hugs, or anything at all.  and to my son too, of course, even if he doesnt know it, the energy still might come to him, and help him feel better.

Views: 160

Comment by koshersalaami on March 17, 2015 at 7:52pm

I wish you an easier time. 

And I'll give you a piece of advice. Nothing awful, really.

You did what you did when you did it because it's what looked like the best alternative at the time. 

If you went back in time to the moment you made whatever decision you're worried about, if you approached that moment with the same information, you'd make the same decision again. 

If milk is spilled, it's because it is inevitable that it be spilled. 

You can make decisions now based on having more information, but you couldn't then. So you didn't actually shortchange anyone. The results give you more information for the next decision but none for the last one. So don't beat yourself up. Looking back is great for lessons but lousy for regret. 

Comment by Poor Woman on March 17, 2015 at 7:59pm

Here is a great big cyber hug for you, my friend.

Just hang out with us. We here really do care.

Love with a great big old Linda Seccaspina style HUGGGGG!


Comment by Poor Woman on March 17, 2015 at 8:08pm

I missed Kosher's comment before as I was also responding just about the same time as he.

I think that he's spot on correct here.

Comment by Zanelle on March 17, 2015 at 8:26pm

Cyberhug for you!!

Comment by nerd cred on March 17, 2015 at 8:58pm

What k said and energy for all to turn out well.

Comment by Heidi Banerjee on March 18, 2015 at 1:50am
A psalm of David. The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my.
Daisy Jane,
I found your post and left a note but I can't see it here.
The psalm is part of it.
Many hugs which will help you to go through this extremely difficult time.
Be assured of my support.
Comment by Jonathan Wolfman on March 18, 2015 at 3:17am

You have my very best wishes. 

Comment by JMac1949 Memories on March 18, 2015 at 6:34am

I lost my wedding ring on the day I met Beatrice Wood, a long story to be told at a later date, and she told me the tale of how desperate she was when she first came to Ojai, CA in 1948.  Ten years later I was broke behind on the rent and pushing fifty when she came to me in a dream, put her arms around me and said, "Everything's going to be all right."

Here's hoping she visits your dreams.  R&L

Comment by alsoknownas on March 18, 2015 at 6:54am

k/s makes sense to me with the bumper sticker sort of phrases.

If you can't screw up a little what's the point?

Comment by Rosigami on March 18, 2015 at 7:50am

Kosher says wise things here.
Joseph Campbell says that it's the hard times in life that shape us. Without them, we don't learn responsibility, resilience or self-reliance. or to appreciate our gifts. He also says that we should "participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world". I know it sounds like a weird thing to say, but think about it. It's all part of our time here in the world being full of everything that makes us human- including the pain and sorrow. Participation means accepting the things you have to and changing what you can in a meaningful way.  
My young son, too, goes through terrible times. The struggle is is worse for him but as his mother I ache and despair. Currently we are on a bit of an upswing and I am encouraged. I feel for you. 
Sending good thoughts to both of you. And to Keith too, who could probably use a bit as well. 


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