i hoped to have a happier first post over here, well, first post in the second incarnation, or whatever. since i dont consider the one with OS recommendations to be a post, really.
but, such is not my life.
someone on facebook mentioned "vaguebooking." thats when someone gives some vague status like, "need prayers." without explaining why.
i dont want to go into a whole story. i have pretty much just cried since getting home from san diego. my son is struggling. half of me is sure he will be fine someday.
fine, good, great, and look back and shake his head at this hard time.
and part of me is not sure of that.
and that part is so afraid, and so sad, and so full of regret for every thing i might ever have done differently,
i cant even tell you.
will be trying to get a therapist this week, for me, if i can stop crying long enough to take care of it. his therapist went on maternity leave and this week, he has a brand new therapist.
i cry everywhere now. supermarket, car, restaurant, sidewalk, everywhere.
but i do try very hard not to cry in front of him.
sorry to unload like this, but i really cant in person, you know.
keith keeps asking whats wrong.
cause he is mentally ill, i believe a sociopath, and doesnt understand that i didnt magically get better since yesterday, for no reason.
i need to be gone.
i shouldnt be here.
but i cant go 3000 miles away and take my son with me, till he is a little more stable.
the local artist housing, turns out, is not low income housing. or not low income enough, anyway. they havent even had half as many apps as they have units - bc nobody can afford them.
so. its a hard time. i dont know how to make it better. i keep doing what i need to do. i keep doing my poetry. i reach out to friends i feel safe with. i keep going to work.
but the grief and worry stay and stay and stay.
so, if you dont mind, i will take prayers, or good thoughts, or cyber hugs, or anything at all. and to my son too, of course, even if he doesnt know it, the energy still might come to him, and help him feel better.