i'm so freaking proud of myself. as usual, i have no idea what made it possible for me to Go Out and About last night. i mean, "Why was this night different from any other night?" Sorry, i'm having a Real Jewish Day today. no idea why. this Freaking Agoraphobia (AG) is, as they say in 12 step meetings, cunning, baffling and powerful. but Cocoa Chanel and I went to Fred Meyer/Kroger and i shopped while CC "hunted". she get extremely focused on this and her job of Keeping Us Safe. it is so moving and sweet. i'm completely biased but i don't believe that there is a better senior Canine-American anywhere on this earth. a major example of Cognitive Dissonance because i also LOVE and Adore her relatives. for me, seeing a Good Dog on tv or in a film or online is like another woman getting a gander at Brad Pitt.
okay, back to the Leaving of My Home. now it's embarrassing and mortifying but i still have not taken a shower i and it's been what has to be 3 weeks or a month. i know, it's gross. thank godiverse for Dry Shampoo and baby wipes. and the hope that any day now i will be able to do this. to act like a Real Person once again.
I spent a big chunk of time yesterday watching Brene Brown's Ted Talks on YouTube. her first one garnered 7 million views. she researches and writes and speaks about Vulnerability, Shame, Daring Greatly, about Stepping In To the Arena. and more, it seems, because she has a new book called Rising Strong. i've read a couple of her books and they are seriously good. She's become part of the Oprah Universe but i forgive her for that. it's profitable and seductive and impossible to resist. many people i love and respect show up on O's Super Soul Sunday episodes on her OWN network. I try to tune her out as much as possible and focus on the Guests but, hey, whatever, right? it's worth it because i learn so much valuable stuff.
What Brene Brown says is enormously comforting for me because she talks about the courage it takes to make oneself Vulnerable and this is something i can Do and i Do Do. i don't seem to have any choice. my thing is Grim Subjects with Humor and i Overshare Regularly, which makes people uncomfortable. most of them. my last post was about battling back from Clinical Depression/Bipolar Depression. i was hoping that a few people would be able to share their own experiences with this Disorder, which would have comforted me and validated my experience. one person said that she was having a dark day and that what i wrote made her feel better. This made me so Happy, to feel Useful and of Service however briefly.
Brown speaks about the courage it takes to Step In to the Arena. To Dare Greatly. she got this concept from a from a Teddy Roosevelt Quote:
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood...if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly..."
oh, fucking fucking fucking A. i can't get this fucking c---s---ing thing to go back to the original Font. well, whatever. when it comes to Tech, i am a Functional Idiot. no, Up Until Now, i have been an Idiot when it come to Tech. i choose to believe that i can get better at this stuff. (kind of...)
anyway, The Arena and Daring Greatly... for me, as i suspect it is for many many others, a Blog Site is The Arena. Creating and Posting something new Terrifies me. i want so freaking badly to be a good writer, to make a difference, to make people laugh with my lighter pieces and to move people with my darker ones. as i already said, i cannot help making myself Vulnerable. and doing that is scary scary scary for me. and at this point i am only interested in reading posts by those who also share with brutal honesty. i am feeling extremely Fragile as i emerge from the Debilitating Cocoon of Bipolar Depression and need to feel that i am not alone in struggling with Life and It's Vicissitudes.
this is all i can say, for now. i need to process everything i learned from Brene Brown. i could write a novella about Shame. i will tackle that subject another time.