I Left The House Again After 18 Days of Houseboundedness! as the Jewish Cowboy says: Yippie Oh Chai A!

i'm so freaking proud of myself. as usual, i have no idea what made it possible for me to Go Out and About last night. i mean, "Why was this night different from any other night?"  Sorry, i'm having a Real Jewish Day today. no idea why.  this Freaking Agoraphobia (AG) is, as they say in 12 step meetings, cunning, baffling and powerful. but Cocoa Chanel and I went to Fred Meyer/Kroger and i shopped while CC "hunted". she get extremely focused on this and her job of Keeping Us Safe. it is so moving and sweet. i'm completely biased but i don't believe that there is a better senior Canine-American anywhere on this earth. a major example of Cognitive Dissonance because i also LOVE and Adore her relatives. for me, seeing a Good Dog on tv or in a film or online is like another woman getting a gander at Brad Pitt.

okay, back to the Leaving of My Home. now it's embarrassing and mortifying but i still have not taken a shower i and it's been what has to be 3 weeks or a month. i know, it's gross. thank godiverse for Dry Shampoo and baby wipes. and the hope that any day now i will be able to do this. to act like a Real Person once again.

I spent a big chunk of time yesterday watching Brene Brown's Ted Talks on YouTube. her first one garnered 7 million views. she researches and writes and speaks about Vulnerability, Shame, Daring Greatly, about Stepping In To the Arena. and more, it seems, because she has a new book called Rising Strong. i've read a couple of her books and they are seriously good. She's become part of the Oprah Universe but i forgive her for that. it's profitable and seductive and impossible to resist. many people i love and respect show up on O's Super Soul Sunday episodes on her OWN network. I try to tune her out as much as possible and focus on the Guests but, hey, whatever, right? it's worth it because i learn so much valuable stuff.

What Brene Brown says is enormously comforting for me because she talks about the courage it takes to make oneself Vulnerable and this is something i can Do and i Do Do. i don't seem to have any choice. my thing is Grim Subjects with Humor and i Overshare Regularly, which makes people uncomfortable. most of them. my last post was about battling back from Clinical Depression/Bipolar Depression. i was hoping that a few people would be able to share their own experiences with this Disorder, which would have comforted me and validated my experience. one person said that she was having a dark day and that what i wrote made her feel better. This made me so Happy, to feel Useful and of Service however briefly.

Brown speaks about the courage it takes to Step In to the Arena. To Dare Greatly. she got this concept from a from a Teddy Roosevelt Quote:

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood...if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly..."

oh, fucking fucking fucking A. i can't get this fucking c---s---ing thing to go back to the original Font. well, whatever. when it comes to Tech, i am a Functional Idiot. no, Up Until Now, i have been an Idiot when it come to Tech. i choose to believe that i can get better at this stuff. (kind of...)

anyway, The Arena and Daring Greatly... for me, as i suspect it is for many many others, a Blog Site is The Arena. Creating and Posting something new Terrifies me. i want so freaking badly to be a good writer, to make a difference, to make people laugh with my lighter pieces and to move people with my darker ones.  as i already said, i cannot help making myself Vulnerable. and doing that is scary scary scary for me. and at this point i am only interested in reading posts by those who also share with brutal honesty. i am feeling extremely Fragile as i emerge from the Debilitating Cocoon of Bipolar Depression and need to feel that i am not alone in struggling with Life and It's Vicissitudes.

this is all i can say, for now. i need to process everything i learned from Brene Brown. i could write a novella about Shame. i will tackle that subject another time.

Views: 164

Comment by JMac1949 Today on October 4, 2015 at 8:57pm

Congrats... try it again tomorrow.  Small steps in intervals you can handle.  R&L ;-)

Comment by koshersalaami on October 4, 2015 at 9:32pm
If you switch back and forth between a tablet and a computer, that could be it. The computer interface lets me do a lot of things the IPad interface doesn't, one of which is to control fonts.
Comment by Theodora L'Engle Knight on October 4, 2015 at 9:35pm

thanks, jmac and kosher. R&L

Comment by Zanelle on October 4, 2015 at 9:42pm

Good for you going OUT.  I spent the entire day here and it is very pleasant but isolating.  You give me a stick to measure myself with and you write very well.  The thing with computers and fonts and stuff is that there is no right answer so no need to beat yourself up about technology.  Everyone does it differently and there is no one right answer...that is why I like it...there are many ways to get somewhere.   Just like life.  Thanks for sharing your path.

Comment by Theodora L'Engle Knight on October 4, 2015 at 11:52pm

oh, wow, zanelle. you have no idea how much what you say means to me!!! i'm not a big fan of myself but i do think i'm a pretty good writer. i really do. but i almost never hear that from anyone. and i don't write for others. i write for myself. but, hey, who doens't love a compliment and it costs the giver so freaking little. i, pathetically, even asked someone who is "friend" if he would say something nice about my writing. but he can't or won't.

and thank you for sharing your experience with me, about isolating. like most things in life, it's on a continuum. sadly, i'm actually in the middle. there are far too many people who never go out and never will. and then there are monophobic people who cannot be alone. they have to have someone with me at all times. i found it fascinating how, on the AG facebook forums, there are people who choose to be Admins who can only walk to the end of their block, on a good day. i obviously have no judgment about this. but i guess i'm so insecure that i could or would not choose an In Charge job in a situation where i wasn't on top of things.

wow, sorry for going on and on. i, sadly, know so much about this but never talk about it with anyone, except in passing.

so, anyway, i'm so grateful to you for coming by. and for the kind words. to know that sharing my struggle helped someone else? well, it's everything.

Comment by Theodora L'Engle Knight on October 4, 2015 at 11:54pm

Zanelle, where could i start to feel more comfortable with computers? by learning Windows? i need to ask my computer guy too. i find it so overwhelming that i just give up. but what you said was so helpful and comforting. helped me realize that there has to be a way in... maybe i can find a local class of Computers for Idiots. or Dummies. off to Amazon to see about books. thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comment by Julie Johnson on October 5, 2015 at 4:20am

...oh good.  I didn't want to start a new post, but I do feel like typing.  Theodora, I am hardly ever brutally honest online, or even in life. I know that when I write, it seems like I am.  If I was in high school english, I'd give myself a B+. Proper punctuation and all that. What I have a hard time getting past in my writing and in life,  is this persona of politeness that I fade into and never ever tell the WHOLE truth.  Truth being stranger than fiction, and all that.  The dirty details that make stories interesting.  That's why I like your writing.  

Comment by Julie Johnson on October 5, 2015 at 5:14am

There's something about him, that seems 'familiar', like I've met him, or seen him or something.  Nothing on the website that rang a bell beyond the usual.  hmmmmm....


Comment by koshersalaami on October 5, 2015 at 6:29am

Yippie O Chai A is good. Creative.

Monophobia? I never knew there was any such thing as pathological extroversion. 

I learned Windows from Windows For Dummies. Just the regular book. Easy, sequential, you'll get it. 

I think it was there that I learned about Control C and Control V. I was in a doctor's office a couple of weeks ago and the techs there were going crazy because they had to copy the content from one screen onto another and there wasn't a pull down menu to Copy. So I suggested the Control C and Control V thing just in case, and it worked. I have no idea how much time they'll save from that. 

Just so what I just said isn't Greek, because I don't know what you know and what you don't (I'm not very good with computers, really - but Keiko is, so you could ask her if there's something you want to know about):

If you highlight text, hold down your Control (Ctrl) button while pressing the C key, whatever is highlighted will copy and be held aside for you. If you put your cursor somewhere - same document or another document - and hold down Control while pressing V, the highlighted text will be pasted there. 

Chances are if you go to the top of your page to the Edit menu and pull it down, you'll see functions on the left, like Undo, Cut, Copy, Paste, whatever. That's one way to do that stuff. To the right of those you'll probably see a Control instruction, so if you looked at the line that said Cut, it would say something like
Cut         Control+X

That means that if you highlight a passage, hold down Control and hit the X key, it will cut the highlighted passage. So you have two ways of doing it: using the pulldown menus and going to where it says Cut or not bothering to open Edit at all, highlight and Control X. By the way, when you do that, the text that has been cut is stored in short term memory, so you can paste that content elsewhere. However, the next time you hit either Control C to copy or Control X to cut, the new text replaces the old text in short term memory, so now it's gone. I accidentally do that a lot. 

Comment by Theodora L'Engle Knight on October 5, 2015 at 4:48pm

thank you so much, kosher!! you are a mensch!! i know about control c and control v and that's about all i know about. well, control p is print i think. i will check out windows for dummies. thank you so much for the heads up. i didn't even think about going to the Edit menu.


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