Okay, well, this is so very cool. I went out and about tonight for the first time in 2 weeks!!! leaving only to get my mail and to go downstairs and pick up delivery food. This is, I know, Incomprehensible for/to/not sure Regular Normal People. But, shit I don’t understand it so I can’t expect anyone else to fathom it either. (and, yes, this began after a hysterectomy and I got manic and I couldn’t shut up and I was shunned and I was the pariah of my neighborhood. Yes, that is what happened.)
But, shit, man, I am so fucking freaking proud of myself for getting myself and my increasingly fat ass and my adorable senior service canine-american cocoa chanel Out the House. And for giving cc a break from “our” Gigantic Transgender Kitty Gary Cooper. He adores her and like a six year old with a mad crush on a girl in his class, he has no clue how to express his love. So he pops up behind the couch and from under the bed and out of the walk in closet and swipes at her. She is, in general, kind of a wuss so she tries to hide behind me but I have my tablet in my lap and, well, it’s not good.
Pics: Cocoa Chanel, Gary Cooper on his chaise lounge, cc sleeping on gc
So not only did we get some good exercise walking around the store, up and down the aisles more than once. I call it shopping but she’s a hard working gal so she’s assigned herself another Job so, for her, it’s hunting and she gets laser focused and doesn’t even look up for treats. It is so heartmending, I don’t even have words and I rarely run out of words, as we know.
Rite Aid is our home away from home. Yes, I know, this is kind of sad, but I take a lot of meds for bipolar and anxiety and pain management -- I’m addicted to everything except substances: food, tv, computer, my animals, very borderline hoarder (my hoarder whisperer has validated my belief that I am more of a packrat and she would know. And more stuff that I can’t think of right now. I do meditate and attempt EFT and go to Acupuncture and Chiro when I can get myself out there.
Cocoa chanel (cc) has friends wherever we go. Fans. It’s a joy to be with her because we meet the best dog lovers and teach and learn from them. There is little that is more lovely than witnessing someone coming around the corner and seeing cc and just freaking melt. I can’t even tell you how many times that someone has told me that she/we made her day. Made him happy. Heartbreaking too because I can recognize those who have recently lost a canine companion. There is a head tilt, a kind of caving in. They almost never want to get another dog and I don’t pressure them even though I know that that could help them heal. I tell them about Petfinder.com which lists all the rescued and fostered animals all over the country. So you can search by location, species, breed, age, you name it. You can kind of window shop and not have to make a commitment.
Yes, I know. I’m going on and on about this animal thing. But this is the giant payoff for Leaving the House. And, yes, I know, if I have this reward thing and I love my cc so much then why can’t I just get myself out the door and out in the world. I don’t know. But I have new meds and a new therapist and I haven’t given up. Most Agoraphobics (AG) do just stop going out. It is so tough to get help because you call to talk to the shrink and he gives you to the receptionist to make an appointment. The logical thing to do. But i can’t get there regularly even with my senior service dog. And having to cancel makes me feel like more of a failure than I do already.
But, fuck it, tonight I did it. And cc didn’t bark too much in the hall or in the elevator.
Okay, shit, I need to stop here and post part 2 tomorrow. I got up to get a beverage and tripped over Gary Cooper the gigantic transgender cat. Again. He is truly enormous. And gorgeous. And sleek and shiny. Like a baby black panther. And he is a giant asshole. So he likes to weave between my legs while I’m walking. Slinkily of course. i did NOT fall on the floor. Just the couch this time. But it hurts. A lot. So Theodora/Teddy/Theo OUT. Drop the mic. Sad and pathetic. I’m a thousand years old. Yes, I know. Whatever.
(This means that I haven’t edited this thing at all so I’m sure it’s a mess but I just wanted to record my gratitude for something great that happened!!!)
oh shit, just remembered where i am... okay, i am not abusing cc by not getting her out enough. i cry over this. a lot. i tell her that she should have a family and a back yard and lots and lots of walks. and i feel so guilty. especially when things are this bad. but i have spoken about this with 2 or more vets and with animal trainers and others who know a lot about pets. and they see me with her and they have assured me that she is very very happy with me and that we have an exceptional bond and that as long as i play games with her and give her mental and physical exercise in my small apartment. which is am able to do. so well, they say that dogs love nothing more than being with their pack leaders so i choose to believe them. and no one could love her more than i do.