ok, first, after i wrote that post yesterday, i didnt cry anymore. okay, i cried, but normal crying, a few tears, a loss of composure - not jesus christ holly youre scaring yourself. so that is good.
i am not honest on here anymore you know, and it increases my feeling of being alone, which is only natural. i used to share everything with you guys, and 85-90% with at least a couple real life friends. now? nothing. i just keep that smile on as well as i humanly can.
but here is good news: keith got my new car fixed yesterday, and it will pass inspection! now, my old car, you will recall, was an adorable station wagon that got insane gas mileage. but at this point it has a minimum of 225,000 miles on it. thats a lot. and the rust is getting bad. and its been humiliatingly loud, no matter what he did to fix it, for years now.
the new car has 78,000 fewer miles. thats a freaking lot. thats a whole lifespan for some cars.
its only 1 year newer - a 1999, but its in great shape and safe in the snow and its automatic - i dont want standard anymore. tired of standard. tired of being nervous when stopped on a hill in traffic. what i will miss about a standard is cruising up a hill, smoothe as pie, and increasing my speed, so the big lumbering SUVs couldn't get past me. or going up to my old place of employment, many windy mountain roads, and having to make myself slow down bc the jeep in front of me was petering out. i drove my standard masterfully, and i know that is a surprise, but true.
but my brain is such that i cant do it any more. i had literally just started randomly shifting. like, my brain said shift, and i would be in 5th doing 30. or i would be doing 55 and for no known reason, downshift. so, new car, my brain doesnt need to remember that stuff.
but the new car is not even the best news except that - THE CD PLAYER WORKS. so i can play my music! i have been without a cd player for years, and youtube can tide me over, it can suffice, but it is not the same. youtube does not have john hiatt's complete tiki bar record, which is the one i searched for to be the first one i played, and i played it twice. then i played american beauty - that IS on youtube, but my computer has such quiet speakers, its not the same.
there we go.
court tonight. will miss a writing group i am in, and i decided to give up the writing group, for now. for now i need to focus on getting us out of here, and that class is a real emotional and time investment. lest you think its mean to talk about leaving when keith just gave me that car, after spending days repairing it to make it nice and safe, and will let me take it with me when i go - believe me, that man is ready for me to go. ready. past ready. he got me the car knowing it would be a parting gift.