I am suffering. Greatly.
(I wonder: More or less than those of you reading this? but I'd like to break the habit of comparing my life to others.)
I would NEVER kill myself - I have too many passions, interests, things to be grateful for, etc., etc.,
but every day I like to THINK about, imagine killing myself . Today I caught a glimpse of the news talking about an asteroid coming near Earth and for a split second the constant pain/anxiety in my gut melted and I thought "Oh Sweet Jesus PLEASE let it hit us - and soon!"
Then I laughed at myself. I can still do that - a good sign- right?
So I will go on, but I don't know HOW I will go on. I can't imagine going on like this day after day...I can't fathom it.
How do I go on living with someone who is terrorizing me?
How do I bear the MADDENING frustrations of our fucked up mental health care system?
When tremors and gut ache wake me each morning, how do I go about getting dressed, going to work, taking care of the details of life, dealing with ordinary frustrations, all the while terrified of the next encounter with my own kid?
Want to hear a funny story? The police- the same police - have been to my house/car 3 times in 5 days.
Saturday: Kid hits me, then runs away on a freezing night.
Tuesday: Kid threatens me, then tries to jump out of car while I'm driving. We spend the next 6 1/2 hours at the ER.
Wednesday: While I'm at night class, kid's mentor takes her out, drops her off, then FORGETS to put car in park while getting backpack out of trunk, car rolls down our very long, steep driveway headed for the creek, decimates a bush. Neighbors are concerned.
Ha! It's funny to think that most parents of mentees with such a mentor might be concerned after such an event or have something, anything to say - but I just shook my head and laughed wondering what the police must be thinking about my household.
Oh and when I attempt to tell people about the craziness in my life, they interrupt with their own craziness - which I am sorry, but THEIR crazy does not compare to MY crazy.
Today I'm telling my (younger-than-me) boss that I have a dr. appt tomorrow morning to address some of my stress related symptoms and she says:
"Oh my God, yes, the stress. I was so stressed on Friday (rough work day, toddler troubles, etc) that I started getting these terrible chest pains and the next thing I know I'm spending the night in the hospital and they didn't release me until late Saturday afternoon."
I think: Hmmm. A hospital stay! and I just have a piddly little dr. appt.
First of all, I would KILL for the simple stress of parenting a neuro-typical toddler, and I was right there at work with you Friday and it was the best part of my fucking weekend. How is it that you get to take a vacation at a goddamn hospital? Just the thought of someone taking my suffering seriously sounds like a dream....
I say: Oh no! How horrible! I'm so sorry! How are you feeling now?
Because I do really love and care about my boss, I do.
But I do not know how to go on living my life.
I do not want to go on living my life.
I cannot bear it any longer and there is not one soul on earth who can help.
Plus my dog is dying.