Since I'm having a hard time getting back into the habit of blogging, I'm just going to make a list of thoughts.

1)There is NO doubt in my mind that if there was a gun in my house I would have been killed by now. Please don't judge the mom's ability to parent her mentally ill child, but DO question why such a mom would keep an arsenal in the house. All of my sharp kitchen knives are kept in the trunk of my car.

2)I am furious at the mom of my kid's friend. I hate to be angry. I am trying to practice peace and kindness. But this woman has been somehow involved in my kid skipping school, she is blatantly rude to me and feeding into my kid's rage towards me, she benefits from my kid being at her house because my kid helps her kid with her homework, she allows the kids to leave the house just as I am due to pick up, she looks the other way as her daughter converses with strange men on the x-box, then says I'm being dramatic when we don't know where our kids are when they are supposed to be in school, etc., etc.

3)I begged my mom to come here for Penny's winter break. To my surprise, I convinced her. However, my mom's husband has been out of work for awhile, they are about to go on food stamps and are in need of dental work. My mom would NEVER, under any circumstance take money from me. I tried to buy her plane tickets, but she refused to give me the info I needed to do so. She charged her tickets, and is taking on a huge financial burden so that I can have 3 1/2 days next week without dread and PTSD symptoms.

4) When the stress gets too bad I break out in cold sores, my back goes out and my gastro-intestinal system goes haywire. I was 3 for 3 on Monday, but I'm feeling a little better today.

5) Somewhere in the stream of insults and death threats that my daughter hurled at me this week, the phrase "cunt sucking penis licker"is the one that keeps popping into my head and making me laugh.

6) When I woke up this morning, the first thing I did was step in dog pee. I did not let it get me down. I am strong. I am on some sort of spiritual path leading me to a place of inner peace despite outer turmoil and I will get there somehow. I am going to survive this holiday season and these next 3 years and 4 months until my kid turns 18 and someway somehow I will end up a better person because of it.

Views: 118

Comment by nerd cred on December 19, 2012 at 11:44am

I'm sorry and I wish I could say something that would help you.

Comment by caroline marie on December 19, 2012 at 4:25pm

thanks nerd cred. i'll be fine.

Comment by DaisyJane on December 19, 2012 at 6:33pm

ah, i believe i know what it means when we say, "thanks, i'll be fine,"  caroline.  it means we have no idea if we will be fine, we have a good suspicion we WONT be fine, we know that whether or not we are fine is out of our hands, long as we care, and we cant help caring, and, for that matter, we are not fine right now, either.  but we have no idea what help to even ask of you, so we say what we have the courage to say, stuff the rest, and hope we arent too tiresome.   we resent being tiresome, and want a goddamned break, and curse our luck, and thank god for them, and wonder wonder wonder what we can do to improve things, and swear we will NOT stick around after they are 18, to continue having our own hearts broken, possibly to end up in genuine tragedy, and pray that we have the strength to really NOT stick around for the show after they are of age, but we dont really know if we will be able to set ourselves free, and is it our fault, and are we bad parents for wanting to be "set free" of constant worry and travails.

or, maybe i am projecting.

sending you love and hugs.

Comment by Unbreakable on December 19, 2012 at 9:53pm

Caroline - so sorry. You've been on my mind all week. Wish I had more to offer, but you're always in my thoughts and prayers. 

Comment by nerd cred on December 20, 2012 at 11:58am

Caroline, obviously, there's history I don't know. I don't know you from Open. If I was out of line, I apologize.

Comment by caroline marie on January 17, 2013 at 6:25pm

No need to apologize nerd cred. It's helpful to hear what other parents have been through. Thank you for taking the time to share. :-)

Hey Daisy Jane, how is your boy doing? I've been out of the loop!

Hi Unbreakable, thank you for the thoughts and prayers. It's good to see you here.


Comment by I wooden DoDat on January 27, 2013 at 8:55pm

I'm a "professional" uncle, have been for about 40 years. I love kids, OTHER peoples kids. Thank you for taking the care and responsibility of loving and raising your daughter, and having the strength of character to not shirk that responsibility.


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