Pisces is the 12th house of the zodiac, the house of the subconscious and hidden things, of service or suffering. There's a whole parade of planets going through it right now including the new moon. I still haven't studied up enough to give you a good overview of "this is what the new moon will do for you," but I can tell you what it has done for me.

I woke up early this morning, around 3:00, and couldn't get back to sleep so I started listening to astrology videos, they actually relax me, and since the new moon was this morning I was listening to those. It's been almost three years since I started following astrology on a daily basis and I have been struggling to make sense of the messages. Apparently I picked an auspicious time to start, with Saturn in Sagittarius, which explains the struggle.  It's been helpful in showing me that these aspects of my personality that I've been punished for are inherent in who I am and so I've been learning to accept them instead of fight them. 

I still have fears of inadequacy and of failure; some of that is simple human nature, though, I think. A lot of it is from being indoctrinated as worthless so I have to keep working to keep the fear in check. I still eat to soothe myself so I don't know if I will ever lose this weight. And writing this is giving me a headache for some reason, like when I was trying to write about trauma in the past, so simply accepting something doesn't negate all of the ordeal to reach this point.

I bought a book this week called "The Last to Let Go" by Amber Smith, about a family blown up when an abused woman kills her husband and how the middle daughter can't let go of the dysfunction. I finished reading it today after I'd had my epiphany this morning, it parallels my experience pretty well except this girl realized what she was doing at a young enough age to still have a full and amazing life. I didn't realize it until I finished the book.

This morning I decided to let the past go. I consciously, and subconsciously, accepted that the past cannot be changed and I was holding onto it so that I could go over and over and over on how it should have been. I have been expending huge amounts of energy trying to change what cannot be changed except maybe on another astral plain and draining myself in the process. I have wasted 30 years on this futile endeavor. One of my favorite memories is from one my first nights in England. I had found my way down the hill to the pub, wearing a welcoming, open, smile. I bought a drink and, since I didn't know anyone there, I went around the patio crashing conversations. I talked to everyone without fear and had a great time. I want to get back to that, though the world may have changed too much in the past 30 years for that to be viable.

Regardless, I want to start having fun again. I'm going to get back to my resume' and get on the job search though it's going to be interesting finding one that makes me feel alive with my lack of education credentials, but the universe will be in on helping me to figure it out. I have to say that this first day of no longer re-writing the past has been a very nice day.

Here's Gregory to tell you all about the new moon, if you're interested. His story is an inspiration in following your bliss.

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Comment by Safe Bet's Amy on March 17, 2018 at 4:38pm

I woke up early this morning, around 3:00...  I still have fears of inadequacy and of failure...  this morning I decided to let the past go...

Hmmm...  I know what MY shrink would have called waking up in the middle of the night (with nightmares and/or disquieting thoughts???), having headaches occur when I start think of certain things, any sort of paranoia or depression, withdrawing from/avoiding most forms of social interactions (like parties), feeling guilt or shame about how I'm not who/what I used to be, etc.

She would gotten her big, rubber PTSD! stamp and whacked me right on the forehead with it and then started hitting me with her "You need to acknowledge these are symptoms so you can deal with them!" pillow!

She was a smart lady!  LOL

...and yeah...  I know it isn't that easy...  ::HUGS::

Comment by Phyllis on March 18, 2018 at 4:34am

Ha!! I like your shrink. :)

I've got the stamp on my forehead but haven't gotten the pillow yet. It just feels like time to move forward, you know? I want to know who I am now besides someone with PTSD. That's my whole definition right now. I'm noticing that I've forgotten HOW to be anyone else. Oops...

Comment by Anna Herrington on March 19, 2018 at 10:01am

Mmmm, gotta' go but will be back!! Enjoyed this : )

Comment by Phyllis on March 19, 2018 at 6:28pm

Hi, JT!


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