(i put some new kitten pics on Our Salon. hope they worked out.)
i am wanting to jump off something. i'm going to mostly use this space to rant and vent for now because i left my agoraphobia group due to an anti-semitic member telling me that "jewish means Martyr" and going on in that vein, getting way too close to Holocaust Denier territory. i'm shopping for another AG group and a Bipolar one so this should not last that long. or maybe i will rant on here and on my Looney Tune forums.
i will get to the Great Meowing Incident of 2014, that is causing me to want to Off myself for at least a while -- speaking of which i will be posting new kitty pics on Our Salon and linking that post to OS -- but first i want to address the Semitic situation.
those ugly Jew comments, well, they've brought up some powerful memories: our family's being unable to join our best friend family's country club, my being sent, at age 10 -- so i would get in to Harvard -- to Miss Winsor's School for Young Ladies, a tony private girls' school where there were 50 future Debutantes and 6 Jews. The WASPs went to Miss Salther's to prepare to be Introduced to Society down the line. we Semites went to Dick and Bubbles Champagne's Academy of Dance (seriously. i could not make this up.). i remember wondering if Jews danced differently from Gentiles. Wallflower status was the norm for me but i did win the waltz contest with David Weinberg who went on to break all kinds of hearts at Harvard.
Speaking of which, I lived in Eliot House, the Preppy/Jock Dorm. so once again it was the WASPs and and this time it was their Final Clubs. The Porcellian and its ilk --is ilk a thing or did i make this up? They all wore their Izod shirts with the collars turned up. The Jocks and we Mutts would mimic this from time to time and giggle like toddlers getting away with something.
my roommate was half Jewish but she kept that information close to her vest. one night she had a date with a Final Club member and she told me that he didn't care for Jews so could i go elsewhere while he was visiting. and i just accepted it. Another friend, a full Jew, had been secretive about her status also and did the dancing thing at Miss Salthers. I was surrounded by people who could pass and did, while i could not.
there is so much more to say about this, so many feelings coming up, so many flashes of humiliation and rejection and being unwelcome. to this day, i am uncomfortable around gaggles of Preppy women with light brown/dirty blond hair. I've fucked myself over royally because i ended up in Portland, Oregon due to my late husband's need to be near his aged parents. and this is the blandest whitest place ever. there are 3 black people, i think, but they live in North Portland. i have no idea where other ethnic groups reside but it's just creepy to... never mind. this is a major rant for another time.
okay, back to the Gloria meowing thing. for complicated reasons, i still live in Senior Subsidized Housing, where i ended up because my dead husband's health expenses left me almost homeless. i have money now, from Pervert Relatives who have had the courtesy to die in a timely manner. but i have a certain kind of Trust that will not cover rent and food and such. so i am stuck here for now, while my attorney looks for a loophole that will allow me to escape.
my joke about this place? "who knew that Poor Old people weren't fun?" "i mean, who knew?"
they ran out of money when they built this mixed income property so there is no insulation between floor and ceiling and if someone above you walks around in hard shoes, it sounds like Storm Troopers invading one's space -- a callback to the whole Jewish thing. shit, man, i am so clever. :)
okay, so i got Gloria Steinem the kitten. i am home 99% of the time due to a variety of mental illnesses so Glo has cocoa and me for company. but when C and I are sleeping, i put her in the bathroom or in her Kennel. i knew that she meowed for a little while but i wear earplugs and turn on my white noise machine in order to block out the Storm Trooper-ish German woman who lives above me. I had not heard any feedback and people here have nothing to do -- plus it turns out that there are geriatric Mean Girls. again, Who Knew? -- so they kvetch about all kinds of things.
and i do care about the wellbeing of others and am hypervigilant to outside noise because of the PTSd and blah blah blah...
so, because Godiverse is an asshole and I decided to get a needy baby cat, the manager left me a message. turns out i have to pay a $300 deposit which is not problem. but the distressed meowing of my lonely new girl is penetrating the floors/ceilings and/or walls. it just took people a while to figure out where the noise was coming from.
which leaves me wanting to jump off this defective building because i can't stand to do to others what the Painbody upstairs does to me. and these people can't afford noise-canceling headphones or white noise machines and wouldn't use them even if they could. i gave these items to the guy who lives below me and.... well, it wasn't pretty and i stopped letting my puppies push their IQ balls and other treat-filled toys around the apartment to get some mental exercise on days when i couldn't get them out. i kept explaining to him that this activity lasted at the most 20 minutes a day but he is a dickwad and most people here are pretty damaged, having been homeless (as i almost was because of Richard's medical bills) and/or poor for big chunks of their lives and that takes an enormous toll, even on a brain that started out okay.
so i am as distressed as my lonely little Gloria gets. i emailed by vet to see if there is some calming stuff i can give her. i'm afraid to let her run loose while I'm sleeping because she might chew on and swallow all kinds of bad stuff not to mention destroy property that is important to me. luckily, she is not a destructive girl and her zipping and pouncing and tormenting of Cocoa wears her out quickly so she sleeps a whole lot.
Thank Godiverse for anxiety meds. I worry that i like them a little too much but, again, this is a subject for another time. please note how much better i am getting at not allowing my Tangents to have Tangents.
if you have read this, thank you so much for your kindness in tolerating my Jewish and Kitten rants.
if you have any words of wisdom i would be so grateful to hear them. i will need to sleep tonight, which, being vampire, will actually be the daytime. and i am going to Acupuncture Tuesday, then Hypnosis Wednesday and then Acu again Thursday and i'm working toward going to Toastmasters meeting on Mondays and other regular activities, all of which is wonderful progress in Agoraphobia terms -- not to brag but i am also now meditating for almost an hour a day when i could not do this at all before the whole hypnosis process -- but not great for my fellow residents having to endure Gloria's plaintive cries. and these people are like children, they have no sense of time, so my being away for a few hours at most feels like weeks to them.
shit, i wish i could just go to sleep for a year or two or however long it takes my lawyer to help me get the fuck out of here. i may have to just let my little Glorious girl destroy my home while i sleep and when i am away from home. shit.